Weight Loss Journal

Victim vs Survivor

2011-09-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

Did anyone catch the special on CBS last night regarding 9/11? It was incredible. It showed footage of the actual firefighters in the world trade centers are they scrambled to save lives. There were so many times during that documentary that I was crying. I was particularly struck by the amount of time it took these firefighters to climb the stairs. They were weighted down with 60 pounds of gear (hoses, jackets, boots, etc.) and obviously the elevators weren't working. On average, it would take them over a minute to climb just one flight of stairs. The plane crashed into the 78th floor. Wow. That's sickening and humbling.

I thought of the physical strength it would take for these guys to climb as far as they did. When the mayday went out after the first tower fell, some of the guys were on the 30-something-ish floor and had to rush down to save their own lives. I know it might seem trivial to think of myself and personalize this but I did ... cause I was thinking of how I'd feel after climbing 30-something-ish flights with 60 pounds of gear only to be told I needed to run back down or die. I know right now I wouldn't have been able to make it to the 10th floor let alone the 30th floor.

Anyway, my good friends uncle was a firefighter and he died on 9/11. He was an incredible man and I thought of him often while watching this documentary.

Yesterday's ceremonies and remembrances put a few things in perspective for me and brought up some old demons regarding purpose and worth.

When they were interviewing the firefighters that survived, I couldn't help but see a stark difference between those that bounced back and become stronger and those that allowed themselves to continue to be victims. For those that continued to be victims, I felt additional sorrow. They could have used this tragedy to make the world a better place as several others truly did (and that was VERY inspiring to see, by the way) but instead they themselves were victims of the tragedy by turning to alcohol or other things to hide their guilt at having survived. On the show, they called it survivors guilt. They came through one of the most incredible situations alive and they felt guilty for doing so. Wow.

It's amazing to me what we do to ourselves. Our self-inflected pain leaves just as much damage on our lives as the evil actions of others.

The power of our thinking is incredible and that was amazing to see in this documentary. Perhaps we haven't all lived through the tragedies these firefighters did ... but we've all lived through our own tragedies that seem just as real and painful. I guess it's up to us whether or not we'll let our thinking continue to further victimize us or if we'll rise above, come back stronger, and use our experience to change the lives of others for the better. I for one want to rise above. It's a challenge, but one I'm going to tackle one day at a time.

Anyway, if anyone wants to watch the episode, it's available here. It's sad, raw, and yet there is inspiration and introspection to be found.

9/11 Never Forgotten. Forever Grateful. Truly.

Wonderful One-derland

2011-04-20T08:34:00.002-07:00

I'm thrilled to report that I'm finally back in One-derland and it's an awesome place to be.

I've waffled (perhaps a poor choice of words) back and forth between being elated to be back in the land of the 100's and being annoyed that I ever got into the terrible 200's again.

Today though, I'm resolved to be thankful for the lessons and progress and celebrate the fact that I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be.

Lessons are learned in all phases of life and this phase has been incredibly valuable.

I'm making a public vow as of right now that I will never, ever, never, ever be in the 200's again. I'm realizing that I'm worth awesome things and that includes being healthy, happy, and fit.

I'm doing the Spring Team Challenge (TC) at The Healthy Weigh and am so excited about the next 10 weeks. The first goal in my TC journey is being below 200 again. The second goal will be getting to my lowest weight as of yet which would be 188. And, from there, I'll charge forward to my third goal which is to lose at least 30 pounds in this 10 week timeframe.

In the meantime, I'm dreaming up all sorts of awesome rewards for myself for getting below 200. It needs to be a big reward. This needs to be something I remember and can hold onto ... something tangible. Ideas are welcome!

One-derland is WONDERFUL!

I'm Learning

2011-04-15T14:42:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days when I didn't want to get out of bed, I wasn't thrilled to go into the office, and I had every single excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't and couldn't go on my regular walk. I was even making excuses about food and thinking up off plan options like coffee treats from Starbucks (think scones) and/or a drive through lunch.

These are the kinds of days when being on plan is even more important. These kind of days are the ones that teach me things about myself and my abilities. These days teach and I (hopefully) learn.

After much battling with myself over the whole walking thing, when finally did step out the door, my mind instantly went negative. Ugh! Rain! AGAIN (we've had rain literally 60 days straight!)! Those thoughts and my icky attitude made putting each foot in front of the other a complete struggle. My legs didn't want to move and when I glanced down at my iphone to see my pace, I was embarrassed to see a measly 15.25 MPH on the screen. I could do better. I needed to do better. I mean, why be out there in the pouring rain if I wasn't going to actually burn those icky calories???? Wouldn't that be a complete waste of this time?

So put all my energy into my steps and repeated to myself over and over "I'm learning today and I want to learn to do this right." A few minutes later I looked down at my iPhone for the current pace. 12:45 MPH. Much better!

It's amazing what our thought life can do for or against us. Today isn't over and I've found myself struggling with cravings this afternoon but I just keep going back to those words I repeated to myself on the walk. "I'm learning today and I want to learn to do this right."

It's helping me resist the doughnuts in the kitchen. I can do this. Weigh in is on Tuesday and I'm going to be below 200 but only if I stay focused.

And I will because I'm learning.

I'm Still Here!

2011-04-07T09:53:00.001-07:00

I'm so thankful for Katie J ... She's the bug in my ear and reminds me when it's been awhile and I need to post. I do tend to get busy, living life, and forget to update my blogging buddies on my progress. How dare I!

The truth is that life is GREAT right now. I lost 38 pounds in the team challenge and since it ended I'm down another 4 pounds. I'm currently 200.3 and can't wait to break back through to One-der-land! It's going to happen this Tuesday. I know it!

I'm doing the Spring Team Challenge and that will help keep me honest and on target. I'm wearing all my "old" clothes again and am back to feeling like I can do this whole weight loss thing.

With 42 pounds gone, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can reach my ultimate goal. I want to be 157. That's another 43.3 pounds. I soooooo got this in me and I'm charging ahead.

For the first time in my weight loss history, I know there's a 157 pound girl in inside me. Up until now, I've doubted I could get there because I'd never been that small and really couldn't even fathom what that would feel like.

Well folks, I still don't fully understand what it will be like but I know it will feel amazing! If I feel this good at 200, how in the world will I feel when I'm at 157? I'll be confident. Secure. Accomplished. Successful. Those are words I never would have used to describe myself but I see them within my grasp as I get closer and closer to my ultimate goal.

The new team challenge kicks off next week and I'm READY! Could I lose another 38 pounds in this challenge? SURE! Why not? If I'm focused, on plan, and determined (as I am), I can accomplish anything!

Tuesday Weigh In

2011-03-15T13:45:00.001-07:00

Good news today at the weigh in. I'd hoped to lose 5 pounds this week and was down 4.8 on the scale. Wuhoo! I'm now over 30 pounds of weight lost in the last 9 weeks! I'm so happy about that! I've got another 15 to lose before I'm at my lowest and that's within my reach if I stay focused, strong, and determined.

The cravings are still there but I find that each time I get tempted with something off plan, I instead think about those clothes hanging in my closet that I've never been able to get into. Getting into them again is within my reach. It's attainable and doable to get back into those clothes and also need NEW clothes! New, smaller clothes I mean!

The team challenge finale will be next week and I'm hoping for another 5 lbs of loss by Thursday. I can do it!

I'm gearing up for the 2 week break between the challenge by already being focused on the end goal and not the "break". There is no break if I want to get to my goals. This isn't about the challenge for me. It's about the weight loss and giving myself the gift of health. That means far more than the gift of pizza!

Those Sweet Moments

2011-03-10T14:55:00.000-08:00

There are days when dieting is hard. No, it's more than hard. It's a true battle. Those are the days when everything is a temptation and each decision to stay on plan is a discussion.

Then there are days when dieting is easy. It flows. You feel in the groove and know without a shadow of a doubt nothing that could happen would divert your path.

I'm in the groove right now. A week or so ago, I was in the battle. I have ups and downs like that and I'm not 100% sure what turns the tides from the downs to the ups and vice versa. What I do know, is that when I'm in the groove, the weight falls off. Did I happen to mention that I like the groove? It's a good place to be!

This week I'm already down 4 pounds since Tuesday and have another couple days to ensure that I hit a 5 lb weight loss next week. That's my personal goal. I'd really like for that to happen. So I'm making it happen by not diverting on my meal plan whatsoever and ensuring I'm walking or jogging at least 4 miles every day. It's happening, people, and it's a great thing!

On another note, I put on my DKNY jeans this morning. They are super cute, if I do say so myself! My butt looked great in them back in the day and you know, it looks good in them again now! I'm within 18 pounds of my lowest so technically these jeans used to be loose and now they're skin tight. It doesn't matter though. I'm wearing them today anyway because I'm celebrating the fact that I can even pull these suckers on over my hips.

Today, the groove is a powerful place to be. It's filled with confidence, freedom, and decision. I'm relishing it and going with the flow of food victories!

Updates and Apologies

2011-03-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been awhile, huh? Sorry fellow bloggers. I've been neglecting my duties! Life has just gotten crazy busy and I'm dealing with things as they come along. My apologies for not blogging sooner.

I'm down 28 something pounds since the start of the team challenge (woot woot!). Today I was up .5 because of some poor choices on Sunday night. I had to put my 19-year-old pup down on Sunday morning and that impacted me far more than I thought it would. Instead of processing (or writing in my journal) as I should have, I went to Mexican food. The salt and grease only served to further the sadness and I'm learning albeit slowly that those unwise choices don't do me any good in the long run.

As for everything else, it's chugging along. I wrote out my weight loss goals and they look as follows:

From today, I want to lose 56 pounds to hit my original goal weight of 157. If I hit 157, I will have lost completely 1/2 of who I was when I started this back in the day.

Here's how it breaks down.

56 pounds = 28 weeks (average 2 pounds per week)
Starting weight (as of today) 213.7
Ending weight 157

Ending date = September 18.

Thinking that I'll be dieting until Sept 18th isn't exactly exciting for me, but knowing that an end in sight is awesome. I'm thinking of what life was like at my lowest (189) and it was good. I can't even imagine how great it will be at 157. I think it might just be amazing. No, I'm sure it will be.

Onward, downward, and forward. That's my motivation!

I have 3 weeks left of this team challenge and I'd like to be down below 200 by the end of it. Doable, right? I say YES! Why not?

Dating Dieters

2011-02-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

It is possible to diet and date ... Who knew? Last time I was dating I was feeling good so I was taking some liberties with my food choices. I didn't pay too much attention if I drank a beer or two, downed a bit of off plan food, or otherwise didn't stick 100% to plan. In fact, I was embarrassed to let these guys know that I was dieting because then I'd need to tell them where I'd come from. That was hard and next to impossible for me to do. When I told TS about my weight history, it was only after we'd been dating for a couple months and when I told him, I was shaking and scared thinking he'd reject me on the spot because of the old fat me I used to be. Wow.

This time around though, I'm 100% focused on my goal and that means staying 100% focused on every one of my eating choices. That's hard to do when most dates want to take you out to dinner, dancing, or some other such food temptation. It's doable though and I'm actually finding it quite liberating.

What I'm finding is that if I'm out with a guy and I don't want to tell him why I eat salad, then I guess I probably shouldn't be out with him in the first place! Not saying that my dates are all about my eating choices, but it is important for me to embrace who I was and present that to someone as the whole me.

It's been interesting to reach this point and I'm not sure where it will lead me. What I do know is that I've never been more determined and focused than I am right now. I feel like instead of hiding where I came from, I'm actually embracing it and moving past it.

This is a great adventure and I'm living it each day.

New Numbers! Oh happy day!

2011-02-15T13:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm a goober but I'm super excited to be in new numbers today and down 4.8 for the week. Yippeee!!!!! 5 weeks into this renewed weight loss thing and I'm down approximately 25 pounds. Sweet!

Top that little tidbit off with the fact that yesterday I jogged a whole mile without stopping, dying, hyperventilating, or feeling like I was going to vomit and I'm counting this as one of my most successful weeks in awhile!

In fact, I was super excited about the running bit and plan to make that a regular habit. I have tried it before but haven't been the best at truly committing to it. I was doing short jogs between my walking bursts but I'd like to get up to jogging a 5K race sometime this summer.

I might ... maybe ... even sign up for something to give me a goal to work toward ... GASP!

Things are changing physically and mentally and it's a good thing. I'm thankful for where I'm at right now even though I know I have further to go. I'm on the right path and that's priceless.

Valentine Expectations

2011-02-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'm anxious to see what the scale will say tomorrow. I've been on plan for the most part even though there was a minor incident last week involving Mexican food and a few chips and salsa. It was the first slip I've had since being back on plan so I didn't let it derail me too far. I ate what I ate ... and then stayed focused and on plan since then.

By my home scale I'm down another 4 pounds. The Healthy Weigh's scale generally shows a 2 pound difference so I'm hoping to at least be down 2 - 3 by tomorrow.

On another note, it's Valentine's day. What an odd feeling this is ... I'm not with someone this year to celebrate the day which I'm finding is actually a relief.

Last year I had expectations and ideas as to what this day should be and was severely disappointed when TS didn't do anything to recognize the day. What did I do? Turned to food of course!

Today, I have no expectations. In fact, I planned a fun night with a friend where we'll have a light dinner and then spend time with the horses but my only expectation of the day is that I'll be filled up emotionally by these fun activities.

It's a good day and it's a good time in my life. I'm still trying to get a handle on my head some days but it's getting easier to stay focused and take care of myself first and foremost. The eating part is getting easier and easier as I'm losing. I'm actually wearing a pair of jeans today that I'd forgotten I even owned. I pulled them out this morning and thought "hmmm.... wonder if these will fit" ... and ... they did! That feeling of success feels way better than any amount of food I might stuff in my face.

Here's to a great weight loss tomorrow!

What a Weigh In!

2011-02-08T14:04:00.001-08:00

Down another 4 pounds for a total of 19 pounds lost at the challenge. Wuhoo! I'm super excited about this and I'm finding that my clothes are fitting so much better, I have tons of more energy, and I'm feeling so much more confident.

As a reward, tonight I'm meeting a friend after work for dinner (of course on plan) and some shopping. I need to get a few new workout clothes. The pants I was wearing are getting pretty lose and I need to replace them so that I can keep up with the jogging. I do plan to be a jogger by the end of the summer and in order to do that, I need my pants to stay up! Kind of important, huh?

I was a bit disappointed that my teammate didn't make the noon challenge because she was having some car trouble. I missed her and was really looking forward to our team kicking some weight loss butt today! She'll be weighing in later though and I'm anxious to see her results.

Anyway, just a quick post today because there's a lot going on at work (shhhhh ... don't tell them I'm doing double duty!). I just wanted to share the good weight loss news!

Here's to staying strong, focused, and determined!

Weekend Wrap Up

2011-02-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

Another successful weekend in the books and I'm feelin' great!

It was an action packed weekend with food temptations around every corner.

Friday night I went with some friends to see the Professional Bull Riders (PBR). We met at a brewery and while they indulged in burgers and brews, I enjoyed a chicken salad with dressing on the side. At the event, I passed up beer and instead had a tastey diet soda. After the event, a couple of us went out for a few "drinks". Diet soda was again my drink of choice. Shockingly, I wasn't tempted. I was instead proud of my decisions.

On Saturday, I had a date (eek!) and knew that a dinner out would mean even more temptation. I was ready for it though. We went to Mexican where I passed up the chips and salsa and instead again ordered a nice big salad that I topped with spicy salsa. It was a great night even though he teased me about eating rabbit food. That's ok though. The teasing was in good fun and I knew that I'd rather be eating rabbit food and feeling slim, pretty, and sexy rather than eating something else and feeling bloated, greasy, and out of control. That was priceless and worth a little teasing.

Yesterday, Super Bowl. The prime time for me to go off track. But, I ate before I went to the party and knew that while I was there, I would focus on the game and the company instead of eying the treats. I passed up chips, candy (M&M's to be exact), and birthday cake.

This weekend of food temptation was only missing pizza! But going through a busy, food rich weekend and being successful was awesome. I kept my own needs front and center throughout the entire weekend and I'm so proud of that. Nothing like tooting my own horn here ... but when I slipped on my size 8 jeans and they were comfortable and I felt sexy in them, that was worth way more to me than any food I might have slipped into my mouth. Success is by far sweeter!

Tomorrow's weigh-in is gonna be great!

Fast Food Temptation

2011-02-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

On my lunch time walks, I pass no less than a ton of restaurants. Sonic, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Panera, Olive Garden, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Little Cesears, Pita Pit, sushi, and a few others. These are all very smelly restaurants too.

That means, as I'm trying to focus and complete my lunch time exercise, I'm consistently being harassed by the lunch smells.

Today I was pushing hard. I was throwing in some jogging (eek!) but with each step, I couldn't help but be slightly tempted by the beckoning smells. Yes, I'll admit it, the smells of grease and garlic entice me.

I was imaging the smells as being hands wafting out of the restaurants gesturing me to come indulge. When the gesturing didn't work, I felt them stick their fingers into my nostrils and try to physically pull me by the nose hairs into the restaurant doors. The thing is though, none of it worked today. As much as the garlic tempted me (and oh boy did it tempt!) I kept repeating to myself "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, etc.". Each time I repeated that statement, a finger loosened it grip and instead of pulling me forward to the doors, started pushing me from behind and giving me a bit of a nudge to "go faster and farther".

I started to think about how many calories were in those foods, how they used to play such a large role in my life, and how the work I was doing in my wog (walk/jog) was a result of my poor eating out choices in the past. That, more than anything else, propelled me forward today.

I completed my 4.25 miles with a new time record, ate my salad for lunch, and felt pretty darn successful and empowered.

The fact is that those foods don't feel good and quite honestly, they don't taste all that great either. Sure the instant they cross the tongue is good but once they hit the stomach, the guilt hits the brain and that's icky.

It's amazing what a little self-talk can do to turn the mood around, huh?

New Numbers!

2011-02-01T13:21:00.001-08:00

Woot woot! All the hard work and determination have paid off with a reward of new numbers and a weekly weight loss of 4.6 pounds. I'll take it!!!!

I'm so thankful to be headed in the right direction. Stepping onto the scale feels great because I know I've done all I could to be on plan.

Hearing Dan Russell talk today was awesome as well. He's amazing and so inspirational. He reminded me that keeping my eyes on my goals and then doing everything I can physically to reach them will make me successful over the long run. Hard work over a long period of time will equal success. So true.

I'm in process of changing a bit of stinkin' thinkin'. It's the same thing that reared it's head last Tuesday and I guess I didn't realize how much it was ingrained in me but historically this would have been my "cheat" day and I find myself thinking of "cheats" and "sneaks". Weird how those old tapes start playing when we least expect them. I'm down 15 pounds in 2 weeks and on the day I should be celebrating, my brain is confusing my efforts. But ... I will NOT go down that path!

Instead, each time a "cheat" pops into my head, I'm thinking of things I could instead to reward my efforts ... like tonight I'm going jean shopping and on Friday I'm getting a manicure and pedicure. Those are far more rewarding in the long run and as I redirect my brain and old tapes, I'm getting more and more excited for the coming weeks.

I know this week I can be 100% on plan again. When that happens, I'll be down another couple pounds. When I'm down another couple pounds my clothes will fit better and I'll feel more energized. I'll also be that much closer to my goal. This is doable. And I'm doing it!

Ready for a new week

2011-01-31T08:26:00.000-08:00

Wow, week 2 of being 100% on plan and I'm kicking some serious booty on my weight loss! At home, my scale says I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm not sure what the scale will say at THW tomorrow but I'm ready for whatever the numbers might be.

My clothes are fitting better. I have oodles more energy. And I'm feeling so positive about life and my decisions these days. That's worth more to me than what the scale might say. Although ... ok to be honest, I'm hoping the numbers really are good tomorrow because that would mean new numbers and a drop into new numbers would mean I've pushed past the wall that I've hit head first in past weight loss attempts. It's the wall I've hit, fell into, and then given up.

I don't feel a shred of that this time though. I'm charging forward and making wise choices.

Saturday was probably the most tempting day I've had in ages. I had a volunteer training which led into an afternoon of horse riding. I knew I'd be there all day so I packed a lunch and planned for success. In our volunteer meeting, we shared the room with the smell of pulled pork which was ruminating in a crock pot for lunch. Pulled pork, BBQ sauce, rolls (ugh!), lasagna (double ugh!) and rice crispy treats (triple ugh!) all accosted me throughout the day and just beckoned me to indulge.

At the end of the volunteer session, I couldn't get out of there fast enough! My rumbling tummy was just about to give into the allure of the temptations and I needed to exit before I did something I'd regret. I grabbed a spoon and darted off to my trailer where I threw myself into my yogurt and cottage cheese with more fever than I've felt in ages! Staying on plan felt great.

That evening a few friends and I went to see a movie. Awwww ... the movie theater. I used to go to the dollar store in advance of the theater where I'd stock up on chocolate candy and gummy worms. Armed with those goodies, once at the theater, I'd buy popcorn and a soda. I again was planning for success this time though. I tucked an apple in my purse and once at the theater bought a big bottled water.

As I watched the movie with my friends, munched on my apple, and listened to them smack on buttery popcorn, I was amazed at how awesome I felt not indulging. I went to bed Saturday night feeling energized and successful instead of bloated and greasy. That's an awesome feeling and one I'm so thankful to experience.

I'm not 100% sure what the scale will show tomorrow but no matter what it says, I'm going to feel great about the successes I've had thus far.

Taking control of my life is priceless. Food is not controlling me and I'm feeling powerful.

Only the Lonely

2011-01-28T07:50:00.001-08:00

The weekend is coming and I'm ready to tackle it. I'm on the cusp of new numbers and I really want to hit them on Tuesday which means that my focus and determination need to hit new levels this weekend.

This, typically, has been my stopping point. It's the point where I start to feel better about myself and then give into the pressures of outside influences and go off plan. I refuse to let that happen to me again. I love feeling in control and when I give into the poor eating habits, I feel out of control.

I spent another night in my space, alone, but not lonely last night. Being alone in my space still sends shudders of fear through me which is so odd because before I met TS, I was alone. I realized though, as I was talking with my very patient sister last night, that in the past I dealt with that lonely feeling by downing food. I'd have a night at home and instantly think reward night and therefore PIZZA NIGHT! Now that I'm not downing my emotions in food, I'm left to process through the loneliness and fear that brings out in me. Suddenly it's up to me to stay focused and on plan. I don't have anyone to blame for my choices. It's all me. Consciously, I see that as a positive, but subconsciously that's pretty darn scary too.

I'm in process of changing my thinking about this whole thing. How can I be in a healthy relationship if I'm not happy with myself? Shouldn't my own company be enough to see me through an evening? I am responsible for and to myself. I therefore need to be able to be in my own space with my thoughts and see that as a positive thing.

I'm happy to report that last night I took yet another step in the right direction. I didn't die of boredom. I didn't eat the entire house. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I actually went to bed feeling pretty darn good and refreshed. My house was clean, my horses were well taken care of, and my pups had a good run in the yard. I prepared a gorgeous meal which I ate at my dinner table with fancy dishes and cloth napkins. As I looked out the window that showcases the valley, I got to appreciate an amazingly beautiful pink and yellow sunset. As the sun went down, I thought about all the positive things that could come from being alone with my thoughts. Closure, healing and power were just a few of the things that came to mind. The rest of the night, I put those positive things into action instead of getting caught up in negative self talk and by the time I hit the pillows, I was feeling like a complete human being.

All in all, it was a very successful night and I think I might maybe kinda sorta be looking forward to my next alone night to repeat my self-nurturing practices.

Saw a Demon - Won the battle

2011-01-26T07:31:00.001-08:00

Last night was my first rough night since being back on plan.

Nothing drastic happened but I was tired both emotionally and mentally and I let my old tapes and demons vie for my attention.

Yes, I'd had a great weigh in ... but I kept beating myself up for being back up in weight anyway and thus needing to even lose those 10.6 pounds. Couple that with the fact that in past challenges or weight loss times, I'd "cheated" the night after my weigh ins. Nothing too big but even an extra starch can throw my weight off and in so doing, that would generally set off even further off plan choices. The thinking of "I'll fix this tomorrow and I'll still be down on Tuesday" would rear up in front of me and I'd embrace it wholeheartedly. Well, I'd embrace it until Tuesday rolled around and then I'd proceed to beat myself up because I'd be saying "Man, if only I'd stayed 100% on plan, I might be down another pound.". Amazing what those things do to our weight loss progress, huh? That thinking is the path of destruction and failure. I've been down it many times.

Anyway, last night I was confronted with all of that as I went out to dinner with a friend. We visited Pita Pit which, if you haven't been there, I'd highly suggest. They have a great salad option. Only go if you're feeling strong though. They also have feta, olives, salad dressing, chips, and cookies that reach out and tug at your stomach.

All those old tapes started playing "just a little bit of feta won't hurt" or "really? would one cookie kill you?". I battled with myself all through the salad line. I think I even had a bit of sweat on my brow as I passed up the feta cheese. But, in the end, I came out victorious.

As hard as it is to say no in the moment, it's such a relief in the long run. I went home feeling satisfied, happy, content, and powerful for having confronted an old demon and for winning the fight.

Instead of going to the cupboard for additional food to cure my guilt over having gone off plan in the first place (another past behavior), I cuddled up on the couch with my pups and read a great self-help book (Single - The art of being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent). I went to bed feeling strong, confident, and on top of my life and choices. I felt in control instead of out of control and weak. That's an amazing difference.

I know he'll show up again. Demons don't take no for an answer very easily. But next time he shows up, he'll not be as strong and I'll win the battle a little easier.

I love this feeling and it's far more powerful than the feeling of regret I've had on other Wednesday mornings.

You know, I think, just maybe this whole diet thing might be sinking in and working! Love it!

Results of Week 1

2011-01-25T13:58:00.000-08:00

Week 1 back on plan and the results are in ... 10.something (perhaps .6 it was all a blur of excitement) lost in one week. Wooooooooooot!!!!!! I love that.

There was so much weight lost today in the noon challenge that the results were staggering. I was so inspired and in awe of people that are truly committing to this process and in so doing were shedding pounds like it was going outta style. And ... it was going outta style! Being fat isn't stylish, it's icky. We're not gonna be fat for much longer.

I faced many interesting challenges my first week back on plan. It's been a doozy from a relationship standpoint but oddly enough, eating on plan and taking care of myself has made those things manageable. I faced them, dealt with them, and am moving on accordingly. My attitude has improved, I have way more energy, and I'm just all around a happier person. This is the me I like and am happy to see again.

As an aside, I'm also proud that I spent my first day "alone" while on plan. I was so worried that without someone around to keep me occupied, I'd get lonely and would therefore stuff my face ... but you know what? That didn't happen. In fact, I used that day as a "me" day and had a blast. I had an amazing horse ride in the morning and then I came home and spent time prepping my food for the week. I baked pumpkin custard, thai chicken, and packaged up my lunches for the week. I followed that up with an awesome bubble bath and a good book. It was a wonderfully relaxing day that was exactly what I needed to start off a new week.

The mind plays such tricks on us, doesn't it? The trick is not to let it. I'm proud that I didn't let my mind interfere with my process for the week and in so doing was successful on my diet. Here's to another week with even more success!

I mean, what if I stayed 100% on plan this week too??? How much could I lose by Tuesday? What is my body able to do? I don't know the answer but I'm about to find out ....

Happy Pill

2011-01-21T10:43:00.001-08:00

Somewhere, somehow, I've downed a happy pill and it has me rah rah rah-ing enough to even annoy myself!

Have you noticed that there's a big difference between trying to convince yourself you're happy but not really taking it in and actually believing it and projecting it accordingly? When I believe it, I soak it in. It seeps into my bones and it then radiates from my pours.

I have no doubt that when I'm in the groove, I'm the most annoying person to be around ... ever. I make wise food choices, I make wise personal choices, and I unwilling to let others influence my choices ... that and most of the time, I'm singin' a little tune, dancin' a little jig, and bursting forth with happiness. I'll admit that's hard for some to handle but I'll also admit that I'm ok with that.

I'm finding myself these days and the me I'm discovering finds pleasure in making wise choices. I went to bed with a very teeny tiny rumbling in my tummy last night. This would have sent me to the kitchen immediately but as I slipped off to sleep last night, I thought "wow, I can control this behavior". That's powerful.

When I first started on plan, waaaaay back in the day, I remember these feelings. I wasn't afraid of a little hunger. I wasn't afraid that the hunger would mean I was unsatisfied or somehow LESS of a person. I'm not exactly sure where I picked up that belief along the way, but it's a false belief and frankly, most of the time when I felt "hungry" it wasn't hunger I was really feeling! It was cravings or feelings I was trying to stuff. Therein lies the difference.

I'm not saying that I expect life to be roses and sun from now on, but I do know that as I hold onto my positive attitude and confidence, I'll be able to face whatever is coming my way.

I went to a horse conference on endurance riding over the weekend and boy did that motivated me! I see breeches in my future and a fat girl should NOT ever wear breeches. They are more revealing than stretch pants. Not good.

So, armed with my goal of an endurance ride in March-ish, I'm still energized and on plan. I passed up M&M's, burgers at Red Robin, doughnuts, and more and each time I said "no" ... I knew I was saying "yes" to me future.

Here's to the future that's fast approaching. I can rock this and I am. Finally. I'm in the groooooove! I'm so excited for my weigh in on Tuesday. I see a BIG drop in my future!

Starting to Repair

2011-01-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've been taking time to really get some things in order and repair, move on, and process. I've been hit left, and right, and squarely in the middle with a few things I've had to deal with in order to make this year the best year it could possibly be. So, having said that, I've processed and am back and progressing.

I signed up on with the Winter Team Challenge at THW and in so doing am feeling that passion, excitement, and energy I had when I was first losing weight. I've never been this "on plan" and feel the weight melting off of me as I type this. I have so much focus that it's annoying even me!

My teammate is as dedicated as I am and I know this challenge is ours to win ... whether we take home the grand prize is irrelevant. We will win by staying focused and seeing this through. So, that's the plan. To be on plan, to drop the weight, and live my life as I once was doing.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting back on where I was before I entered into my relationship with TS. I was full of life, confidence, and excitement about the future. Somewhere along the way, I lost that girl and reverted back to the sad, unworthy girl. I can see the better me standing just a few feet away and she's reaching out to me. I've just about got her hand and I'm anxious to get to know her again.

In the meantime, team Slimsational is in the house! We're rockin' the challenge and are dropping weight like it's a hot potato!

New Year! New Day! New Me!

2011-01-05T08:48:00.001-08:00

Welcome 2011! I'm a little bit behind in getting on the bandwagon but that doesn't mean I'm any less enthused to welcome in a new year which will bring new beginnings and a chance for a new me.

TS moved out on the 31st and it was quite symbolic to welcome in the new year with a fresh attitude, home, and spirit.

I've been mapping out my goals and applying my 2011 word "repair" to all areas of my life ... starting with my home.

Having my space back and wholly mine meant some changes needed to be made to make it truly MINE again. I've always felt that my home was my castle but I needed to make some physical changes to feel it was a comforting place for me again. Armed with a paint brush and paint, I transformed my living room into a peaceful, comforting haven and I love it.

I do have to say though that I find it a bit ironic that my colors are Cherry Cobbler and Chocolate Coco ... but as Letha said, "Paint it! Don't eat it!" Those are good words to live by for sure!

Last night, after the hustle and bustle of a few days of cleaning, moving, painting, and organizing, I got to truly enjoy my new space. I curled up on my couch with a few loving pups at my feet (one by my side too course), wrapped up in a blanket and enjoyed a cup of mint tea while I reflected on 2010 and in turn started prepping for 2011.

This is going to be a good year. I feel it in my bones. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can tackle this year and make it what I want it to be. I'm 34 this year and by the time I'm 35, I want to be at my goal weight, living my best life. In order to do that, I'm focusing on repairing the parts of me that are broken. Now that my home is in tiptop shape, it's time to repair my body. I'm making wise food choices and taking care of myself because time goes by quickly and I refuse to let another year pass me by as I sit on the sidelines and wish for change.

In 2011, I'm taking the bull by the horns, coming out swinging, and taking charge of my own life.

2011 is going to rock!

Facing Christmas

2010-12-28T13:58:00.000-08:00

Well, the scale was up. Not a surprise. 4 lbs. :( Bummer.

I am proud of myself for facing the music though and not letting things spiral of out of control and carry into this week. It's never harder to weigh in than when I know for certain the scale is up! Today I struggled through and forced myself to face the Christmas eating. In so doing, I feel I've powered through and am now back on the path.

Speaking of now ... it's going to be a tough week. TS is moving out. It's a good thing in the long run but it means there will be a few uncomfortable days ahead as the adjustment is made.

I need to focus on eating right and making wise decisions this week even though everything in my emotional makeup tells me to drown my sorrows in food. Eating right though, will make me feel empowered in the long run and I need to keep making those wise choices each time I take a bite.

This week, I need to think positively. I need to think of ways to reclaim my space. I need to do some rearranging, buy a few kitchen items, and start to put things back together. I will start repairing my space.

I plan to do some goal setting for 2011 and one of the things on my list is to repair myself physically. That means reaching my weight loss goal this year. I can do that.

Did I happen to mention that 2011 is going to be a great year?

Aw, Christmas

2010-12-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I'd like to report that Christmas came and went with me being 100% on plan ... but ... well ... it didn't. To be honest, I was a complete wreck. It was probably one of the hardest Christmas' I've had in ages and truth be told, I let myself wallow in the pity of a lonely Christmas far longer than I should have. I beat myself up one side and down the other and in so doing, gave into the cravings for food I didn't need or sometimes even like.

There's no need to offer up all the goofy details here but I will tell you that in a world where Christmas is about families, traditions, and kiddos ... it's tough to not have any of those things and in fact be further from having them than I thought I was. I used to laugh at the whole biological clock discussion but it was my reality this year.

I feel very selfish for getting so far down in the pity party because the truth is that I have wonderful parents that work hard to make the holidays a lovely, wonderful time. And, they were ... once I pulled my head outta my "you know what".

I'm not necessarily looking forward to the scale tomorrow. It will reflect my off plan food choices and I'm sure I'll backtrack a bit in my progress. I'm still going to show up though and weigh in and face the music. I need to.

On another note, 2011 is my year of repair. In fact, that's my word for the year. I'm going to repair myself emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. This will be my biggest year of change. I'll be 34 this year and as I approach midlife, I want to be whole and ready for whatever comes up around the next bend.

I love the definition of the word REPAIR as it has so many implications. I'm excited to see where this word will take me.

–verb (used with object)
1. to restore to a good or sound condition after decay or damage; mend: to repair a motor.

2. to restore or renew by any process of making good, strengthening, etc.: to repair one's health by resting.

3. to remedy; make good; make up for: to repair damage; to repair a deficiency.

4. to make amends for; compensate: to repair a wrong done.

–noun
5. an act, process, or work of repairing: to order the repair of a building.

6. Usually, repairs.

a. an instance or operation of repairing: to lay up a boat for repairs.

b. a repaired part or an addition made in repairing: 17th-century repairs in brick are conspicuous in parts of the medieval stonework.

7. repairs, (in bookkeeping, accounting, etc.) the part of maintenance expense that has been paid out to keep fixed assets in usable condition, as distinguished from amounts used for renewal or replacement.

8. the good condition resulting from continued maintenance and repairing: to keep in repair.

9. condition with respect to soundness and usability: a house in good repair.

This week I'll be reflecting, redefining, and gearing up to face 2011 head on. It's going to be a spectacular year!

Numbers Update

2010-12-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

Down 2 pounds! Wuhoo! I'm on the cusp of the 220s and for that, I'm thankful. This is happening and I'm so excited to be headed in the right direction.

On another note, I made a goober outta myself again yesterday. It's becoming a Tuesday routine!

I participated in The Healthy Weigh's lunch time activity which meant I had to do like the other normal, well adjusted, dieters were doing and talk to the group. Out loud. In public. In front of people. While they looked at me.

So really what happened was that I stood up in front of a few people, turned 20 shades of red, cried, and I think I even snorted at them. Yeah, that's right, I said I snorted. I literally snorted. You know that snorty crying thing that happens when you're trying to hold back your tears 'cause you feel like a goober for crying and in so doing it gets all bottled up and finally explodes through your nose in a loud snort? Yeah, that's what I did. In front of people. While I was shaking in my shoes and pacing from being so darn nervous to be standing in front of them.

It's a funny thing. I can stand in front of a room of executives and talk about web stuff or branding or whatever marketing mumbo jumbo might need to be discussed but put me out in front of anyone to talk about something personal and I melt. It turns out I snort a bit too. (embarrassing!)

What I wanted to relate (and quite honestly it's all a blur so I'm not sure if I did this or not) was this:

I've lost weight before. A lot of weight ~ 118 pounds to be exact. But, I gained 50 of that back. What I learned about myself while I was in the process of gaining was as powerful as what I'm learning when I'm losing.

This weight loss thing is what you make it. If you're rushing through it to get to the end ... you'll find the end isn't reachable because it's not real. In weight loss, perfection doesn't exist and finality is a pipe dream. If you take the time to learn the why and how, stumble along the way, and then truly commit to lasting life changes, then you'll have greater success.

This is my life. I live each day with the choices I make and the things I learn along the way. I stumble over cookies and popcorn or I may fall flat on my red face with a glass of wine and some meatballs. But each time I do that and pick myself back up, I learn where the pitfalls are so I can maneuver through them in the future.

I'm truly committed to lasting change because I know deep down in my soul I'm worthy of more than what I've been giving myself the last 33 (eek!) years. I'm worth finishing this journey and literally being half the size I was on the outside while being triple what I was on the inside.

That's what this is about for me. Life. Living. Self-worth. Success. Change.

Thank you to everyone that shared at THW yesterday. Each comment was touching and inspiring in it's own way. I LOVE it and it energizes me! Your stories are powerful and keep me pointed in the right direction. Let's continue to share because we can all learn so much from others along this same path.

Oh, and someone mentioned that they're doing the sugar free flavors in their coffees ... I wanted to mention but didn't want to risk another snort, it's awesome to mix the flavors together too. Try a sugar free hazelnut vanilla or hazelnut cinnamon dolce mix. It's super yummy!

The Jeans

2010-12-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

Today I'm wearing a pair of jeans that I love to love and love to hate.

These are the jeans I called Letha about when I slipped them on at Macy's and was beyond excited that a size 12 fit nicely. At my lowest they were too big and more than once had been on the goodwill pile because I didn't want clothes around that were too big anymore. Going up wasn't an option. But ... I'd saved them because I loved them and sentimentally, they meant something to me.

On the other hand, when I was gaining, I had them on hand because I needed them. For awhile, they were the only jeans I could wear. A month ago though, when I was at my heaviest, I hated them. They almost ended up back on the Goodwill pile because they were reminders of how far I'd slipped.

Through the various ups and downs and ups, these jeans held their place in my closet and today were again debuted with excitement.

There's something about slipping into a pair of jeans you'd almost given up hope of fitting into again that makes you feel energized and recharged. I CAN do this! I AM doing this!

I've attempted to slip these on before but I can't tell you how impossible that feat had become.

I'm sure the amount of pain I was in when I wore them last was written across my face ... it was for sure written across my waist! Ugh! I had to lay down to zip and button them, my toes lost feeling and I couldn't sit or my buttons would pop. I was consistently worried that my butt cheek could rip the pockets out. Not pretty! After that little venture, they were relegated to the back of the closet.

Well, today I'm happy to report that not only did I get them on but they aren't cutting off circulation or making my extremities numb when I sit for extended periods of time. I can wear them and bend my knees. In fact, I can wear them, bend my knees AND cross my legs. Whoa!

What's even better, I feel good in them again. What a feeling!

Yes, I love these jeans and for now I think it's a mutually beneficial relationship.

I see an ending approaching to our relationship though and this time, I'm ok with that. I plan to part ways with these jeans when they get too big. They'll venture off to Goodwill where I'm sure some other girl will be thrilled to find them. Perhaps these jeans will inspire her when she fits into a size 12 again and will push her forward in her journey just like they did with me.

In the meantime, it's time to pull out my size 10s, hang them out for inspiration, and get those babies ready for their debut too. I'll be in them before you know it!

Tricking the Scale

2010-12-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

I used to be a notorious "scale tricker". When I stopped losing weight, and then restarted, and stopped, and restarted ..... I mean before I got SERIOUS about this weight loss thing again, I would play games with the scale to get the numbers lower. I would flub up during the week knowing it would impact the scale but hoping I could make up for that by changing what I wore or drank or whatever right before I stepped on the scale.

I mean, after all it was only a little bit of pasta, a little bit of ice cream, and a little bit of a doughnut that had distracted me that week. Obviously though, the reason why the scale wasn't going down had more to do with my outfit choice or my water intake than my ability to stay on plan with my food. I mean, OBVIOUSLY it couldn't be MY fault I wasn't losing.

Yep, I've tried all the tricks from wearing heavy clothes and then switching to lighter ones, drinking tons and tons and tons of water the day before a weigh in, weighing in in the morning vs the evening, starving myself the morning of a weigh in, etc.

I'll tell you though ... none of those things worked. Sure I might have been down an extra pound or whatever but it was a short lived victory. Not only did I have to work harder the next week to be down again (even more water, even lighter clothes, etc.), but I would walk away from the scale negating my weight loss and not feeling victorious. I'd say things like "well, of course I was down because I wore my workout pants. I'll have to wear shorts (eek!) next week." or "If only I wouldn't have eaten that doughnut, I might be down 2lbs." It was a self-defeating situation which always led to more panic as time went on.

When I played a game with my health, I came out a loser (and not in a good way) each time.

I'm doing it differently now. I'm not putting too much stock in what I wear or how much water I've had before I weigh in. I'm continuing my routine and just working the program like it's supposed to be worked because I have faith that if I do that, my weight will continue to drop over time.

Over time ... that's the key. My panic and trickery over the scale was a result of the race I was in with myself to lose the weight. I wanted the weight gone instantly. I was frustrated with anything less than stellar performances each week and when the scale started to only give me .5 and .3 drops, I got discouraged and started the games. When the games didn't work, I completely lost my focus and put back on 10, then 20, then 30, and then 40 pounds.

To make lasting change, I'm learning that this is not a race. It's a long, twisting, winding journey. It's a progression. I've had 30 some odd years of making unhealthy food choices. How can I expect to undo all of that in six months? It's impossible.

So, I'm taking my sweet time to figure this out knowing that slow and steady wins the race. I'm the turtle, not the hare and instead of racing around aimlessly, I'm taking my time to enjoy the scenery and learn from this experience.

There will be no more scale trickery because I know that if I eat right during the week, I'll see that reflected on the scale ... eventually.

Speaking of which, tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm ready!

TGIF!

2010-12-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

I know it's trite but who cares ..... TGIF!

Has this been a long week or what?!?!?! My goodness. Anticipation of an awesome Christmas holiday coupled with the stressors that have flexed their muscles in my life recently have me sighing a HUGE sigh of relief to have made it through another week. Phewie!

Thank GOD it's Friday!

Yesterdays weigh in went ok .... I was down ... not by much ... but down so I'll take it. .16 ... Yeah, not much. But again, it's down.

Tuesday will be dramatic I hope. In fact, it will be because it has to be. Each time in the last six months that I've bailed on my weight loss program, it's been around the time that I would crack the 220s. I'm 233 and would love to be down below 230 on Tuesday. Before you know it, I'll be back down to the 100s! That's gonna be a great day.

This weekend is all about relaxing, recharging, rejuvenating, and refocusing. I need to get my head screwed on straight so that I can tackle Christmas!

I hope everyone else is gearing up for a great weekend and holiday time as well!

The Promise of a New Day

2010-12-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

Just as I said yesterday, isn't is amazing what a difference a day can make?

Today is a good day. It's a good day because I stood firm yesterday and didn't cave into any of my out-of-control cravings. It's amazing how empowering that truly is. There were many times yesterday when the call of a christmas cookie just about exploded my eardrums or the whisper of cheddar cheese just about yanked my heart out of my chest ... but .... I'm so happy to report that I didn't cave and thus today is a new, bright, sparkly, positive day!

In fact, it's another weigh in day. At noon, I hope to see the reward of yesterdays hard work. Each pound lost is another pound closer to my goal. That's a good thing!

Thank you everyone for offering up words of encouragement yesterday and giving me the boost to continue on. I so needed that and I so appreciate all of you!

A Struggle A Day

2010-12-15T10:31:00.000-08:00

Isn't it amazing what a difference a day makes?

Today being on plan is a struggle. The stress and anxiety I've been fighting for the last couple weeks has seeped into my soul and taken over my brain. It is consequently playing negative tapes and suggesting I eat, eat some more, and then eat just a tad bit more and it will all be better ... magically.

Even though I know that's not the truth, my body and brain and working overtime to convince me it is. Thus, the candy dish, kitchen cookies, and Red Robin lunch are all calling me at a fervent pitch. My stomach is actually jumping on the bandwagon too and is rolling, gurgling, and talking in an attempt to force me to dig into the Christmas cookies that lay in weight (oops ... Freudian slip) in the kitchen.

It's one of those days where I need to fight back and take control of my thinking.

Yes, I need to focus on what's right in my life right now. What am I happy with? What is in my control today?

I'm thrilled that my jeans were a bit looser when I put them on this morning. I've lost 10 pounds. That's nothing to sneeze at! I know when I eat well, I feel well. The blemishes on my face go away and I can walk into a room with confidence again. By making wise food choices, I do feel more in control and can focus on the feeling behind the craving. Dealing with the feelings sucks, but when I do that, I do feel so much better in the long run.

I can't control the things that are stressing me out right now ... hence why they are stressing me out! ... but I can control how I think, feel, and what I do in reaction to them. I know that if I can stay strong today, I will be even stronger the next time temptation knocks.

Motivation is in the doing.

So, today, I'm DOING! And putting my faith in the fact that by doing, I'll believe and follow through.

After all, weigh in is tomorrow and I'd like to mark some more feet off my goal sheet!

REWARD! (and I'm a goober)

2010-12-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

Wuhoo! Today I reached my first 10 pound goal which means .... (drum roll please) ... It's reward time!

The first reward is some time with my horse, Scout. I see an extended grooming session followed up by some arena time in my future. And, just because I did battle with some demons this week and come out successful, I'm going to follow that up with a hot bath and a good book instead of the housework I'd originally planned to tackle. Aw, it's going to be a good night.

On another note, I made a complete goober out of myself today.

I went to The Healthy Weigh at lunch and one of the attendees came up to me and introduced herself as reader of my blog.

I'm always a loss when I meet someone that reads these ramblings. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love it because their stories always encourage me too but my first reaction is generally "WOW! They DO exist!" (kinda like the M&M's commercials).

So, she introduces herself, and in the silence that ensues I'm struggling to think of something to say. Oh my goodness ... what do I say? Thanks for reading? Cool, thanks for following along? Why in the world would you read this blog?

Although none of those are good options, what I pop out with is "Oh yeah? And you're finding value in that are you?" Um, really? Did I really just say that? Yep, that's all I got. I immediately feel like an idiot and I know my face turned 20 shades of red. Of course she's finding value in it, silly!!!! She's reading it, isn't she?

The truth is that I love to write this blog. It keeps me honest. When I'm off plan, I either can't write or when I do muster a few words, they're hallow. I guess in some ways, this has turned into my personal journal. Often times, I forget that real, live, breathing, dieting, people are actually reading this. Having people comment and meeting the readers in person are good reminders that I'm not in this alone. Although our paths are different, we're all working toward the same goal ... a healthier, happier future.

Anyway, I guess I relate all this so that I can apologize to her for being a little "off" during our conversation. Once that popped outta my mouth, I was waffling between thinking how cool it was that she was at her goal and then back to "why did I say that?!?!!". I'm sure I came across as a bit distracted!

So, to the beautiful, thin, and inspiring person I met today: I so enjoyed meeting you and you looked GREAT! Many, many congrats on reaching your goal weight. I know it's a struggle to maintain (the journey is never over, right?), but the fact that you reached your goal, means you can stay on the right path once you've made a decision to do so. You have the tools you need to be successful and I'm inspired by you. Thank you for that inspiration. I needed it.

Numbers Update

2010-12-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

I weighed in Thursday and I'm down 4.1 pounds since the previous Thursday which is 7 pounds total for the week.

Wuhoo! I love week 1 weight loss. It's so cool. It's motivating in and of itself. I feel empowered today.

For this week's homework, I need to come up with some goals and rewards. I have a major reward scheduled every 10 pounds (wuhoo ~ 3 more pounds to go!) but I need to put some thought into a few other rewards along the way. In the past, I substituted spending for food and I don't want to do that on this journey. Instead, I need to think about giving myself healthy, balanced, unique rewards that don't always involve spending money.

I'm at a loss.

My list at this point:

A luxurious lavender bath with candles, music, a cup of something nice to drink (you know like diet soda in a wine glass), and my Kindle.
Time with my horse which might mean a trail ride, an extra good horse brushing, or an evening hanging out in the barn with my good friend and our pups.

Yeah. That's it. Help!!!!! Ideas anyone? What do you do to reward yourself as you're making a change?

I wasn't so good at this whole process last time so I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm going to get it right this time. It's one of the many keys to success and since I plan to be successful, I plan to work the goals and rewards like there's no tomorrow!

The Future Me

2010-12-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

I finally got caught up on The Biggest Loser and boy was I inspired! I think this is the first time in the seasons I've watched where the majority of final contestants are solid, dedicated, and 100% deserving. I love that show.

My humble opinion aside though, did anyone else see the videos they made for their future skinny selves? It got me thinking ... what if I wrote a note to my goal-weight self? What things would I tell myself to help me remember where I came from. When the high of being thin wears off, what thought would I put in my own mind to inspire myself to stay the course? Is that a mouthful or what!

Anyway, interesting concept.

Here's my letter.

Dearest Skinny Wendy:
You are my inspiration, my aspiration, and most importantly my greatest
motivation. You are the person I've always wanted to be, but until now, couldn't find. You're the person that I knew was inside just waiting to become a reality.
I can't tell you how badly I want to be you right now.
The confidence, security, and power you exhibit and have inside of you is awe inspiring.
Although you need to be rejoicing and celebrating your weight loss victory, you also need to remember how painful being the bigger Wendy was. Don't forget that when you were heavier, you didn't want to do things with others, you had little confidence, and you felt powerless in most things. I am miserable in my own skin and that's something you should remember when the skinny route seems hard to muster.
Take a moment to reflect back on how hard it was for me to get on my horse, how I would get winded at a bit of a canter, and feel again how walking across the parking lot would send my heart into tremors. Those are things you never ever never ever ever want back in your life. In case you need help remembering, check out the pics below.

Having said that, don't lose sight of the now while looking to the past. Recognize that wherever you're at, it's where you need to be. Perfection is an illusion but hard work, determination, and goals are priceless.
Trust, self-worth, and accomplishment are what you've been missing and what drives you now.
I so absolutely can't wait to meet you! You, girl friend, truly do rock!
With unconditional love,
~ Me

Beliefs About Myself

2010-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, I debated, hesitated, analyzed, and tormented myself regarding this posting. I'm not generally this personal so putting this kind of information out there for the world to see can be a bit hard to muster. Having said that, I'm sure you all have similar or more difficult stories to share and part of understanding where we're going, is looking back at where we've been (check out Letha's recent blog for more info on this).

Thus, I'm posting this because I'm hoping my process will help you guys with your process.

As part of The Healthy Weigh's plan, we're asked to identify and then ask hard questions about our belief systems. The premise is as follows: Our BELIEFS dictate our THOUGHTS which dictate our FEELINGS which dictate our ACTIONS.

So, in my life, this plays out like this.

I don't believe I'm worthy of good things (lack of self worth) so I think "uh-oh!" when a good thing happens and instantly go to "I don't deserve this". I then feel horrible (sad, upset, depressed, apprehensive, etc.). Based on those feelings, I either sabotage good things (hello, welcome to my weight loss journey), don't seek them out (relationships) or don't fight for the good that I want (I settle).

That's just one example, but it's amazing how many different ways these things play out in my life.

I recognize, when I write it all out, that it's a bit silly. Of course I'm worthy of good things ... right?

Yes, I know that consciously but the messages or tapes that play over and over in my head buy into these false beliefs and then act them out in ways I'm not even aware of. This can be seen most recently in my attempts to continue losing weight.

I say I'm going to lose weight, but if I don't think I'm worthy or can actually accomplish it, will I really lose all my weight? Surely I won't be able to keep it off because those tapes will start to play and I'll start thinking I'm already a failure and thus, I will fail.

The first step to changing my tune is identification. If I can accurately identify my false beliefs, I can turn those tapes off and replace them with more positive messages. But how in the world do I identify something I might not even know is a false belief???

Well, it's a process! And I'm digging into it as I write this.

I'm asking myself the following questions to get my answers.

How would you describe yourself as a child? As a teenager?
What did you like about yourself? What didn't you like?
What were you good at? Not so good at?
What were some of the things about you or your circumstances that you've "always" believed about yourself?
Were you taught it was more important to take care of others before yourself?
What are some of the things you remember being told about your intellect? About your appearance, friends, abilities?
How do you handle compliments today?
Who do you trust? Why?
How did your family handle conflicts?
When you were upset as a child or teenager, what did you usually do in order to feel better?

Heavy stuff! Time to dig deep and find some answers though.

More to come on this as I work through it .... In the meantime, it's a new day and I'm starting it off right with a cup of tea in my hand, awesome holiday music filling my office, and a smile on my face.

Good things are gonna happen today!!

A stumble

2010-12-06T09:23:00.001-08:00

Friday night was rough. I was meeting my family at the Spaghetti Factory for a birthday celebration. I love pasta. I love bread. I love meatballs. I love wine. I love everything about the Spaghetti Factory.

So, knowing that I needed to plan to succeed, I'd looked online at the menu hoping to find a healthy option for dinner. I scanned the menu ... hmm ... baked chicken breast looked promising except that it was marinated in olive oil and served with browned butter and mizathera cheese sauce. What a way to bring a zillion calories to baked chicken breast! A BLT salad might be ok except I'd have to have them leave off the bacon, blue cheese crumbles, croutons, olives, avocados, and dressing. Then it's just a LT salad. That's not really worth the $9 price tag.

Ok, no problem. The food I need is in the kitchen. I'd just order lettuce, tomatoes, and a grilled chicken breast. I got this, I thought.

But I didn't have it.

Before I went in, I got a phone call that I knew I shouldn't have answered but did anyway and in so doing, I let my emotions get the best of me. I started to feel insecure and unhappy with myself.

When I start to feel those things, I eat. I started with a glass of wine thinking it would calm my nerves. It did. It also opened the door to the bread, pesto dressing, meatballs and scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Bummer.

I beat myself up one side and down the other side that night. I mean, I was just newly on this plan again and there I go derailing myself before I even got started!!!! When I got home, I opened the pantry door thinking that I'd already failed, I might as well finish out the night with whatever might tempt me in the cupboards.

But I stopped because I knew I'd only feel worse after another indulgence.

I shut the cupboard and instead opted for a hot bath with some smelly stuff and a few candles. I pulled out my journal and wrote about the feelings I'd had earlier in the night. I went to bed feeling slightly refreshed even though mentally I was still berating myself for the off plan meal choice. I was already dreading my next weigh in.

Saturday morning, I met a friend for coffee. I related the story to her and she said "You have to forgive yourself or the rest of your weekend will be off plan too."

Aw, forgiveness.

That's something I'm not so good at but something that I know can be freeing. So, I said to myself, "Yes, it was a mistake but it was one meal. It's not the end of the world. You are back on plan today. You are making healthy choices. You'll succeed because you're worth it. And I forgive you for the mistake that was made."

I know it sounds silly, but truly a weight was lifted off my mind when I forgave myself. I stayed on plan and focused the rest of the weekend. I even went out to dinner and a movie last night and managed to make wise, healthy choices.

I'm learning. It's happening slowly ... but it's happening. I'm finding that lasting change doesn't happen overnight and I need to be patient with myself as I soak in and learn all I need to learn. Each slip is an opportunity to regroup, refocus, and perfect that forgiveness skill.

Crisis = Danger + Opportunity

2010-12-03T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been awhile and my how life has changed!

It's amazing that just when I think I've got a handle on life, it throws me a curve ball. Such is the nature of the last couple of months. I've had some ups, downs, arounds, and am now in process of climbing back up out of the hole I dug myself into whilst trying to figure out what in the world was going on.

This last year has been filled with life lessons and for that, I'm thankful. Someone very important to me said that the Chinese symbol for crisis is the symbol for danger mixed with the symbol for opportunity. What a great way to look at a crisis! It's dangerous because it means we have to go through something uncomfortable but it's an opportunity because we can come out on the other side of the crisis with a new outlook, new direction, and new attitude. For that, I'm thankful.

'Tis the season for thanksgiving, right?

It's no secret that I've been stopping, starting, stopping, starting etc. my diet plan for months ... ok, really, for the last year. You all have faithfully followed along with my ups and cheered me on accordingly. I've been writing that I'm going to get serious, I've been telling myself I'm going to get serious, and then life throws one of those curve balls my way and I get completely sidetracked. This shows that I've been letting life rule me instead of me ruling my life.

That changes now.

I've made some changes in my personal life and those are allowing me to better focus on myself. I'm getting back in touch with the Wendy I was becoming a year ago.

You know, I've missed her. She was starting to gain a bunch of confidence and was friendly, cute, fun, and had a passion for life. Those are all things that I want to get back to and bring out again.

So, for the reeeeeeeeally hard part.

I've ballooned back up to 243 which ... ugh ... it soooo pains me to write that number down. It's far more tempting to go back to the old way of doing things and ignore the number. That's not helping me though and it's certainly not letting me ignore it by the tight fitting clothes and lack of energy it's bringing back into my life.

A 243 pound life is not the life I want to lead. I deserve better than that.

I'd like to reach 174 which would be 60 pounds total. From Tuesday to Thursday, I'm already down 3 pounds. That leaves 57 more to go! I've lost 100 before ... I can lose 57. This is doable.

I created a little picture that I'm using to track my progress. As I lose a pound, I'm crossing off a step in my journey. Each 10 pound goal will be a BIG celebration (facial, etc.) so that I'm consistently reminded I need to reward myself as I go along.
So, I know you all might be tired of my back and forth behavior .... but you know, that's just how my journey is playing itself out.

I'm learning as I go along and each backslide is an opportunity for me to learn about myself and grow accordingly. My weight is a symptom of a larger issue that I need to get a handle on and I'm learning that old habits die hard. I can slip into the negative self talk faster than I can even recognize. In order to make this weight loss a LASTING change, I really do need to do all the work to make it so. Just because it comes off, doesn't mean it will stay off. Keeping it off is a whole new life lesson.

And it's one I'll be ready to tackle this time because I'm going to dig deep, work hard, and make some lasting changes in my life.

This is What Pizza Feels Like

2010-11-04T10:16:00.001-07:00

This week I had a completely horrible 100% off plan kinda day. I had had a really stressful couple days ... not just stressful but life changing stressful kinda days. And I was tired, overwhelmed, anxious, dissatisfied, and lonely. Those feelings were not going away and I was maxed out emotionally. Honestly, I was feeling so many things, I had no idea what I was even feeling and knew that in order to figure it all out, I'd need time and energy I just didn't have to give.

So, when I woke up on Tuesday morning and before I even stepped foot outside my front door, I had made up my mind to be off plan all day and even skip my weigh in for the team challenge that night. I just didn't want to deal with anything and therefore needed a "day off" from everything including my diet. Stressed = food .... Right? (Stop shaking your heads no ... I know ... I know ...)

On my way into work, I stopped off at Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte and a pumpkin scone. When I walked into the office, I swung by the candy dish and downed three 3 musketeers mini bars (darn previous post and Halloween candy!). Later in the day, when I stopped at the grocery store for cottage cheese, I instead purchased an almond joy, peanut butter cups, and a bottle of wine all while ignoring the cottage cheese aisle completely. When I got home I ordered a cheese pizza and consumed quite a few pieces because for some reason, all my eating during the day hadn't solved my problems. I hate it when that happens.

Yes, I was in a funk. The stress I'd been under had driven me back to the 300 pound Wendy and I completely caved to that calling. I was the Wendy that would consume instead of processing the feelings and thoughts swirling around in my head. I was binging in the worst way and for some reason, I couldn't get a handle on it.

I felt like an overflowing laundry basket and although it would have been easier and quicker to just do the laundry, instead I was rebelling, stuffing it down into the basket, and continuing to throw more dirty clothes on the pile. I haven't had such a bad food day like I did on Tuesday since before I ever even started this weight loss journey like over three years ago.

That night I went to bed in tears. Not only did I have all the afore mentioned feelings, I also was now showered with guilt for letting my team challenge partner down and more importantly for letting myself down. I didn't just slip and fall a little ways down the hill, I took a running jump off a very steep cliff without a parachute.

Wednesday needed to be a new day.

I woke knowing I needed a plan. I needed to find a way to cope. So I carved out a couple hours early yesterday morning to journal (I had a loooooot to say!) and then planned horse time that evening to rejuvenate my soul. I called a friend or two and slowly started putting myself back together.

I don't know what the scale did after my little adventure off the cliff. I'm scared to know that truth until I'm in a more emotionally stable place.

I am thankful though that my nosedive lasted only a day before I was lifted by the breeze and put back on the path. If I truly would have given into the old Wendy, the nosedive would have continued until my full 300 pound self was realized. That didn't happen so that shows progress right there.

The 300 pound Wendy didn't understand that although pizza tastes good in the moment, it feels horrible. It's almost suffocating. Pizza comes with quilt, shame, and disappointment that take up residence in my brain whilst the pounds take up residence on my hips.

I don't need that added pressure right now. I can and will face this emotional battle with the proper tools so that I come out the victor.

Today I'm again trudging forward and in the process putting this little fiasco further in the past. I can't dwell on it. I will however learn from it and remember that the taste of something certainly doesn't outweigh the feelings it produces. Those feelings only serve to further destroy an already fragile soul.

And who needs that?!?!?!?!

Tricky Treats

2010-10-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's only ONE small itty bitty piece of candy.
It's only 100(ish) calories. I can work that off in the gym later.
I've been so good ... I deserve this indulgence.

These are things that are running through my head today as I pass by the candy dish in my friend's office. Those darn Halloween candies are trying to take up residence on my hips!

I'm combating them though by letting the things Letha said on Tuesday run through my head.

First of all, it's not just a small piece of candy. It's 100 calories which would equate to 20 mins on the stairmaster (hate that machine!). 100 calories is more than two pieces of fruit and it's 1/4 of the size of those fruits. There are also 5 (FIVE!) grams of fat in a little snickers bar. Wowza! For a gal that's consuming only 17 grams a fat a day on a well rounded diet, 5 grams seems a little excessive.

But more than the hard facts, there's also an emotional and mental side effect of going off plan. If I gave into the momentary craving, I'd be letting myself down. Perhaps I would be able to work off the calories and fat with a hard workout at the gym but I couldn't work off the fact that I'd knowingly gone off plan. I'd know I'd given up on myself and my commitment to become a healthier, smaller, happier person.

In fact, let's play this out just to see where the day would take me if I indulge this morning ....

10:00: I have my first mini snickers at 10. It's a whole 5 seconds of chocolately pleasure.
10:06: I'm feeling guilty. Why did I give in? The pleasure was short lived. Once the chocolate passed my lips, I felt worse. Hmmm... how to solve this guilt?
11:00: on my way to fill up my water bottle, I have another snickers .. cause ... well ... I've already gone off plan so why not do it again and since the first piece didn't make me feel any better, perhaps the second piece will. Hmmm ... best try it out.
11:05: I'm feeling guilter. Ugh! Time to hit the gym. HARD!
11:15: I'm lacking energy. I don't feel mentally fit so physically I'm struggling in my workout. I've already quit my diet for the day ... should I quit my workout too? I can't seem to stick with anything so why stick with this horrible workout?
1:30: After cutting out of the gym a bit early, I pass by the candy dish again. Perhaps another candy. After all, I did work out at least a little bit even though I didn't want to. I deserve a treat!
1:35: UGH! Full blown guilt and ickines. Hating myself, hating life, hating food. Why did I give in in the first place?
6:00: Dinner time. What to eat? I'm dying for some mac and cheese. Or, perhaps that bread because it looks soooooo good. I've already had my starch for the day but ... do I really need to eat chicken and salad AGAIN? No, I've already been off plan today so I'm going to eat what I want to eat and just be done with it. Why be good now? I've already blown it for the day. And, tomorrow is a new day.
7:00: What a horrible day. I wasn't on plan at all. I'm guilty, upset with myself, and feeling pretty crappy about my choices and follow through.
The next day: The cycle repeats because even though it's a new day, I already know I've been off plan for the week for at least one day so why stop there? I already know my weigh in will be crappy so why not just do what I want to do and live with the consequences when they arrive on Tuesday?
Fast forward to Tuesday weigh in after another few days of poor choices and poor eating (it all cascades you know). I step on the scale knowing I've let myself down as well as my teammate and will therefore have bad results on my weigh in. In front of the other teams, my choices are revealed in the numbers reflected on the scale. My feelings of insecurity, depression, guilt, and weakness continue. The cycle continues.

I know this might be a bit extreme, but the reality is that one I make a choice to go off plan, it's easier to continue to make that same choice. Regardless of how negative it makes me feel, it's somehow easier because those negative feelings are familiar.

Now that's messed up.

I don't want that to happen. I want to be successful. Saying no to a piece of chocolate and momentary indulgence will keep me successful. It will have the opposite impact. I'll do my workout today being mentally strong which will help me be physically strong as well. I'll push harder, workout better and have better results on Tuesday because of that. In addition, my weigh in on Tuesday will be great. I'll have stuck to plan and will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'll be down at least 2 lbs. After the loss last week, I'll probably be down way more than that. Now thinking about that, makes me happy. Being closer to my weight goals and fitting in my clothes again, that's worth more than mini chocolate candies.

With that, I think I've successfully convinced myself to stick with my plan. Being firm in my convictions will make this an empowering and amazing day. It will get me closer to my weight loss goal and I'm so ready for that!

Down a little

2010-10-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well, the weigh in wasn't as great as I'd hoped and today it would be so easy for me to wallow in the mire of negative self-talk as a result.

I was down .8 and TS was down 2.2. We were both pretty much on plan (TS had a few minor slip-ups) so I had expected a much better drop than .8. I was hoping for at least 2.

But ... ok ... weight off is weight off. Being down .8 is better than up and if my body was going to rebel against the weight loss thing this week, I'm thankful it didn't hold onto weight and travel in the up direction.

Speaking of which, is anyone watching The Biggest Loser? I know they all have to lose a certain amount of weight to stay in the house but one of the things that really bothers me about that show is how negative they are about the weight they've lost. Seriously people! You're losing a high percentage of your body weight and you're complaining that you're not losing enough?!?!?! Wowza. What does that negativtity teaching America about the weight we're losing? Does that mean we shouldn't celebrate 2 pounds? How about .8 pounds?

I say they have it all wrong. A pound gone today is one more pound than was gone yesterday. That's worth something. They should be jumping up and down with joy at the weight they're losing especially since I know how much of a struggle it is it even lose .8 pounds. Losing is losing and no matter the amount, it's a cause for celebration and reward.

It'd be so easy for me to get stuck in the "it's only .8 and I worked so much harder than that" cycle but I'm not even going there for a minute. Instead I'm focused on the positives.

I'm thankful I was down.
I'm thankful I'm continuing to work toward life changes.
I'm thankful that I have the tools at my fingertips to see this through.
I'm thankful that I have the strength to keep going.
I'm thankful I have the ability to control my thoughts.
I'm thankful that overall, I'm in control of my weight loss and CAN accomplish this journey even if it is .8 pounds at a time!

Next week I fully expect a big drop. I'll continue my workouts this week, eat on plan, and know that my body will support my decision to stay on plan by dropping weight next week. That's generally how it happens.

In the meantime, I'm taking my .8 and celebrating with a manicure on Saturday. I'm 1 pound away from new numbers and I want to reward myself for sticking to plan for four weeks and thus being so close to another goal.

I hope everyone else is taking a minute to celebrate their successes this week. There is no success so small that it shouldn't be rewarded and celebrated!

It's a Date!

2010-10-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

Tonight TS and I are hitting the town with two other couples. In the past, this would mean huge amounts of calories being consumed by both him and me ... appetizers at dinner, pasta or slab-o-steak dinners, lots of beers, lots and lots more beers followed by a feeling of food regret and ick on the journey home.

Tonight, that's not going to happen.

At first I didn't want to go on this little adventure but on second thought, just because I'm losing weight doesn't mean I need to lock myself at home and hide away from the world. Why not go out and experience life and enjoy time with my good friends? I can go to dinner and order healthy, right? I can go dancing and not drink, right? So what's stopping me from making this a memorable and fun night without the post-food-indulgence regret?

Nothing.

TS and I strategized in advance and we're ready. We are holding each other accountable to the new healthy lifestyle we've chosen and will enjoy the evening by downing diet soda and water like it's going outta style. We'll dance with everyone else (well, TS doesn't dance but I'll be out there boot-scootin!) and we'll enjoy our friends without giving another thought to food. The decision to be healthy has been made and having done that, I know we'll be successful tonight.

And, on the plus side, dancing burns calories so my gym workout coupled with my dancing tonight will surely mean good things for the scale on Tuesday!

Here's to a great weekend!

Crossing the Threshold

2010-10-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

As mentioned yesterday, I think I've finally crossed the hunger threshold. This is the place where I'm no longer endlessly hungry and yet also not fully full. It's the place of tummy-peace.

When I first start back on plan, my tummy is rumbling at every turn. I would fill it with water and ate on plan but since it was stretched out and used to being overly stuffed, it thought it needed to be full every single minute in order to be satisfied. It was truly a bottomless pit ... hence why my weight was going back up instead of down.

Over the last couple of days though, that's changed. My energy has increased while my hunger has decreased. Yesterday I had to remind myself when to eat and once reminded, my stomach followed up with twinges of "oh yeah! I am hungry".

I like this place of tummy peacefulness. It's my happy place because I know I've finally settled into a new routine and am making new, better, healthier habits.

Pushing through, holding firm, and seeing results is worth the craziness of the first week or so on plan. Once I push through and am successful, I cross the hunger threshold and then know without a shadow of a doubt that I can kick this weight loss thing outta the park.

I'm saying that it's ever easy to eat healthy ... but I am saying that it gets easier. Routine and habits are a strong driving force and once I swift from the bad routine and habit to the good ones, that's when I know I'm on the downhill slope of the craving battle.

We're doing it!!!!!

2010-10-20T07:40:00.001-07:00

Yep, TS and I ARE doing it. TS was down 6-something and I was down 2.8 since last Tuesday.

I was worried that this week wouldn't have shown a big drop after the drop the week prior ... but ... 2.8 is great and I'm thrilled!

I've finally hit a groove with my eating. I don't have cravings as often and I'm feeling fuller with less food. The gym is starting to be a routine too. I finally feel like I'm on track and can kick this weight off once and for all. That's a great place to me. It's a peaceful place. It's a place of confidence and power.

My reward today for a 2.8 drop is some quality time with my horse tonight. A I'm riding, I'll be feeling great about again fitting better in my saddle, getting on the horse a bit easier, and just generally feeling better about my body. I'm going to make a point to think about each thing I want to do better still and even those things I can now do better again. I want to have that front of mind and I'll be sure to thank myself for putting in the hard work to say yes to the good and no to the bad.

With this kinda loss, I wonder what next week will bring!

Ignore and Conquer

2010-10-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

When I was losing weight successfully before, I practiced the art of "Ignore and Conquer" quite often. I'd gotten to the point where I could go to Mexican for dinner and ignore the chips therefore conquering the temptation they offered up to me. That's why I was dropping weight like crazy!

This go round, that whole "ignore" feature is once again a necessity. I've needed a repairman to fix it up and get me back on track but finally feel as if I'm back in control of this handy device.

As you know, temptation is everywhere. We bump into our addiction at every turn. It's on street corners, in our work places, and (obviously) in our homes. We can learn to control the addiction, but it's dang hard. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaang hard!

I'm still learning to control it so until I do, I'm call out the ignore and conquer skill.

Ignoring is an art. It's walking into the break room knowing there are donuts on the table to the left and making a conscious choice to only look right, stay the course, and get the hell outta dodge before the temptation to even look over there gets too strong. It's going to Starbucks, pretending there's not a goodie case and ordering my tall coffee-of-the-day without allowing myself to even glance over to the tempting brownies and scones. It's going to the grocery store and only putting the foods on my list in my cart and eventually in my home.

Ignoring is knowing that I've made a decision to change my behavior and thus not allowing even a sideways glance, sniff, or thought to disrupt my course.

This week I'm focused on perfecting my ignoring skills once again so that I can be successful. This is a hard week. I was good on week one, saw results and now need to remember the battle is not over and I have to charge forward.

Ignore and conquer!

Weigh In Wonders

2010-10-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Everyone at the Team Challenge did sooooo well for their first week! I was so truly inspired by the pounds that were lost in the 5:00 group and I can only imagine it went up and up and up from there in the other groups. I mean really, women that already look pretty good were dropping 10+ pounds ... awesome! And the guys ... well ... really ... come on now. You guys make it look so easy!

As for team Gut-LESS, TS and I held strong and that paid off with a 7.6 loss for me and a 8.2 loss for him which is a 3.2% loss for our team. We are team #10 out of 50 ... Woot! Woot! I'll sooooo take that!

Certainly it's not about beating other teams because, as Letha mentioned last night, by losing we're all winning. I'd be just as happy with our weight loss had we been team #50 out of 50 because I know we worked hard for it and in so doing, our bodies rewarded us with the loss we had. Having said that, there's something pretty nice about being where we're at in the standings. I feel like we have a shot to take home the big prize. Being focused is more important now than it ever was before.

Now the hard work really begins. Week 1 is always a loss ... week 2 ... that's where the body and mind want to rebel. The mind starts playing tricks on me. Mine is already starting in on things like "you can't keep that kind of loss up" and "might as well give in now because others will always do better than you" and "just one little bite of something bad won't hurt" etc etc etc etc etc etc etc ....

STOP!!!!!

Today I'm working hard to control my thoughts and I hereby refuse to let my wrong thought-life rule my weight loss and choices!!!!

I'm focused, strong, and I WILL succeed!

Congrats to all the teams in the challenge. I'm so inspired by you and am thrilled to be part of this competition with you all.

Weekly Challenge ~ Challenge

2010-10-12T09:46:00.001-07:00

This weeks challenge in our challenge (say that 10 times fast) was to create a list of what we really wanted as a result of our weight loss.

This has been something I've been notoriously bad at documenting. I think it has something to do with not wanting to disappoint myself. If I don't document what I want, then I won't need to worry about not getting it. If I don't have a goal to reach, I won't be a failure when/if I don't get there.

Wow, until now, I've not realized I've done that. What a crappy outlook at the start of such a long and difficult journey! It's like walking on the edge of a cliff thinking I'm going to fall instead of staying focused on the end of the cliff and safety. As a horse rider, I know that if I look where I want to go, that's where I'll end up. The same should be true with weight loss. If I don't look where I want to go, I give up control. The truth though, is that I have control of this outcome and therefore, I need to think of what my life will be like when I reach my goal.

So, here goes.

I want ....

to feel confident when I walk into a room
to ride my horse with ease and not worry about my rolls, lumps, bumps, and shakes
to fit into "skinny" clothes and feel sexy
to be free from food and overeating
to see myself as beautiful
to find value in who I am
to accept compliments with grace and believe them
to understand and accept what I can control and what I can't
to finally put an end to overeating and the shame of being fat

As I've said before, when I lost weight before, I thought it was about getting to goal weight, fitting in cute clothes, and having the perfect body. It's so much more than that though. This go round I'm focused on the personal side and working hard to fix myself internally so that outwardly I'm reflecting who I really am.

The fat me ... isn't really me. It's who I was. But certainly not who I want to be in the future. I'm a good person that has tons of energy, spirit, vibrance, and joy. I want to exude that instead of hiding behind of a shell of skin and fear.

My body needs to catch up to my spirit and I see this process getting me there. I'll match. Inside and outside.

Goal weight and maintenance are a great place to live. I need to continue to refine my vision of how life will be when I get there, but on the upside, I'm working on it instead of ignoring it.

Gummin' up the situation

2010-10-12T08:16:00.001-07:00

Gum. I love it. It's a lifesaver. When I'm craving sugar or dessert, I pop in a piece of gum, down a bottle of water, and tell myself I'm full. Most of the time it works.

Up until yesterday, my gum of choice had been sugarfree bubbleyum. The flavor of that gum takes me back to my childhood and is not only a way to keep me from straying off plan, it is that little treat I need to push past the hurdle.

Yesterday I discovered Extra Dessert Delights and in so doing I think I might have found a little slice of heaven wrapped in tinfoil. The gum comes in three flavors; Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream (my personal fav), Strawberry Shortcake (a close second), and Key Lime Pie.

I mean, really.

The. Best. Gum. Ever.

The chocolate chip is sweet, minty, chocolatey and the flavor lasts for quite awhile. The best part ... it's guilt free. At just 5 calories per stick as opposed to hundreds of calories for the real thing, I think I'll stick with the gum!

I don't know what it is about gum that helps with the cravings, but perhaps ours is not to question and instead just go with whatever works.

Tonight is the weigh in. I'm hoping the gum trick will help me lose even more weight. More news on that soon.

Preparing for Success

2010-10-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful that TS and I are doing this challenge together. It was hard to ask him to do it because it meant I had to ask for help. I seriously needed him to be on board with this to kick me into high gear and having him invested in it with me, has made it all that more fun.

Yes, I said it, it's been fun.

We've been planning, shopping, organizing, and supporting each others and (hopefully) tomorrow, we'll be celebrating together too.

TS is even writing down his food and saying "no" to beer and birthday cake ... I'm tellin' ya, this guy is great and I'm so thankful he's my partner. His firm convictions and dedication to this challenge have me even more inspired and committed. If he's doing it, I MUST do it! I was the one that roped us into this in the first place for goodness sakes!

Tomorrow is our weigh in. I know he'll drop weight (he's a boy ... boys drop weight just by thinking about it!) and I've been 100% on plan and will drop too. I don't know if it will be enough to put us in the top place for the week, but quite honestly, I don't mind.

I'm proud of us for getting through the hardest week. We stayed focused regardless of a busy weekend, birthday celebration, and about a million other things that in the past would have sent us flying to the cupboards. We committed to each other and are seeing this through together.

I'm one lucky gal to have found him as a partner not only in the challenge but in my life as well. What a man!

Inspiration at the Gym

2010-10-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

I would think, of all the places in the world, a gym would be the most welcoming place in the world to a fat girl. Seriously, the staff should see a chubby person enter the doors and they should flock to that persons side with help, assistance, and encouragement. A round of applause should go up from the others working out when they see a sheepish chubby person step onto the stairmaster. Cheerleaders should pounce out of the locker room and start rah rah rah-ing their little hearts out with each step that person takes towards a new future.

Ok, perhaps that might scare the beegeezers outta someone, but the point is that if the world were rational, we would all be celebrating and encouraging that person's desire to change their lives.

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

My gym is filled with fit people ... like uber fit people. In the last three days, I've seen muscles pop out from places I didn't know they could pop. It's been quite alarming. I've only had experience with small gyms in the past so now that I'm going to a big conglomerate, I'm seeing a whole new side of workout life. Did you know some women actually wear make-up and do their hair to go workout? And, seriously, don't most women know they need to put t-shirts on over their sports bras? Really? Come on now. And men ... wearing muscle shirts and eying themselves in the mirrors as well as checking out the girls butts (and sports bras) as they walk by.

Am I at a bar or a gym?

I show up serious and ready for business. I don't look cute. My hair is tossed up in a pony, I'm not focused on what I'm wearing ... old ratty t-shirt? PERFECT for getting sweaty! Speaking of sweat, I pour sweat. I can sometimes literally wring out my shirt when I'm done with the workout. I leave it all at the gym. That's the reason for being there, right?

When I was working out yesterday, I couldn't help but notice that the fat people were few and far between. Those that were there were doing their thing but they were holding back a bit too. They choose the machines in the corners, in the back, away from the muscle shirts and sports bras. They were focused and determined but I swear the fear of being noticed was oozing off them.

I could sympathize. I was reminded of how I felt when I was 300 pounds. I was fearful. I didn't want people to think "what's the fat girl doing here?" and judge me accordingly. What if I looked like a dork while walking on the treadmill? What if I couldn't do the stairmaster for more than 5 minutes (more like 2 minutes back then)? And what if, god forbid, someone actually noticed how overweight I was?

Those feelings, although often self inflected, are what kept me from going to the gym.

Being in touch with those feelings yesterday, pushed me forward. They propelled me to go faster on the treadmill, stay on the stairmaster for an extra few minutes, and even try out the elliptical (TORTURE!) before I left the gym.

There was one women there that really caught my attention. She was probably as heavy as I was when I first started my weight loss journey. She had been on the stairs when I first noticed her and her pace was slow but steady. She was struggling but trudged forward and pulled out 15 minutes on those things. I was impressed. I had a hard time doing 15 minutes now let alone when I was 300 pounds! She then came over to the treadmill and proceeded to push herself for another 20 minutes at a slow and steady pace.

Wow, I thought. She's doing this. She's committed. She's dedicated. She's inspiring.

As I was leaving, I intentionally walked by her treadmill. Her face expressed a mixture of determination, fear, and pain. As I walked by, I gave her a HUGE encouraging smile and said "you're doing great". Her face went from scared, to shocked, to happy. "Thanks," she panted as she picked up her pace and smiled back at me.

I'm not saying my smile will change her world, but I hope I left her a bit of encouragement for all the encouragement she'd unknowingly given me. I hope I see her at the gym again. That woman was so inspiring. Watching her struggle and push forward was far more inspiring than the teeny tiny beeboping girls and beautifully built men that traipsed by me. This woman was a reflection of who I used to be and seeing her struggle and succeed was amazing. If she can do it, so can I.

And I did at one time. And I will again.

Here's to working toward the goal, encouraging those on the journey with us, and celebrating together each victory we have along the way.

Let's Go Back

2010-10-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

Day 2 and I'm doing well, feeling strong, confident, and still on track. I feel like I'm back on top of things again although my hungry, rumbly belly seems to disagree with that statement. The belly lies though so I'm choosing to ignore it and instead stay strong and focused on my chosen path.

I actually ventured back to the gym today. It's been far too long since I cracked open the gym door. I'm attempting to seal that up as a routine again though. I used to love it. I felt empowered after a good workout. After today's workout though, it's hard not to feel a bit disheartened.

The workout was to consist of 30 mins on the stairs at a level 5 followed by 3 rounds of a rigorous weight lifting which was to include 1 min planks, 60 shoulder curls, 60 lunges, 60 shoulder presses, 60 biceps curls.

Cool, I'm thinking, let's do this! My good friend and workout partner has me pumped! I'm on it! I can fly through this, I think to myself.

So off I go. I start the stairs and quickly realize that my poor, out of shape body will not last 30 mins at a level 5. It will be lucky to last 30 mins at a level 1. I'm 10 mins into my routine and my thighs are on fire. My arms are sweating. Even the tops of my hands are sweating. I'm already checking the time every 10 seconds to see if I might be done yet.

As I'm dripping sweat and red faced, who do I see walk past but my ex boyfriend. Aw, classic. He, of course, looks great. I can tell he's a regular at the gym. Great. I see him, lose my balance on the machine, and drop myself as well as my ipod on the ground with a loud crash. Again, classic.

Not only am I'm heavier than I was last time I saw him, I'm far more out of shape. My spirits drop and it takes everything in me to get back up and keep pumping my legs on those stairs. My brain was yelling at me to quit and hide out in the bathroom until it was safe but my heart was telling me to push through, do this for me, and not worry about some silly ex boyfriend. The old Wendy would have hidden in the rest room. The new Wendy needed to take back the control and continue onward for herself.

I did push through and believe me, it was a struggle. I pushed through the stairs, the weights and managed to pull out the planks. I had to cut down on how much weight I was doing, adjust the levels, and modify a few exercises so that I didn't kill myself, but I did it. I literally didn't stop sweating until 30 mins after the workout was over.

And, looking back on it now, I feel great! I have that same empowerment feeling that used to come over me back in the day. The feeling of accomplishment, security in my body, and hope for change.

Although I'm tempted to get down on myself for how much I've lost in endurance and muscle (and how much fat I've gained in it's place), I know that if I stay focused, my body will get all the good stuff back quickly while dropping all the bad stuff even quicker.

Today I proved that this is doable. Not only can I eat well again and make wise food choices, but I can go to the gym and push myself to succeed.

This is only day two .... Oh, this challenge is gonna get good!

Day 1: Prepping

2010-10-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it's day 1 of the challenge. Tonight we will weigh in and start our diet plans. Although I've done this for awhile, it feels new to me. I'm excited to start this. Doing it with TS, I know we'll be successful. He drops weight just by thinking about it (darn men!) and since we're both focused on losing, we'll help each other make wise choices.

Last night we stopped off at Costco and loaded up on veggies, fruits, shrimp, scallops, baggies, and freezer bags. We even splurged and got new plastic food containers ... the nice kind that snap close. As an aside, there's nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the container SNAP shut after you've loaded it up with fresh, delicious foods. For some reason, that sound made me feel comforted. Anyway, when we got home, we cut up all the veggies, marinated meat, cut up fruit (yummy watermelon!) and organized the fridge.

What a relief to have everything organized and ready for the week! Today, when prepping my lunch, I just opened the door and pulled out cut up peppers, a container of watermelon, etc and was ready to go. Preparation makes a huge difference!

I'm a bit nervous to weigh in tonight. I haven't been on plan for a week and I've made really poor food choices, not drinking my water and pretty much doing all the stuff that I used to do at 300 pounds.

I've also felt like I felt at 300 pounds ... not wanting to do anything, feeling horrible about myself and my body and being really really tired. I know my diet change will take that all away. As I lose weight, I'll feel better about myself. As I eat better, I'll have more energy. As I lose weight, I'll also want to be more active.

So, today marks a new beginning. A fresh start. And a new journey.

TS and I will be kicking some butt tonight and we're looking forward to all the rewards that will come from participating in a team challenge. We look forward to the group support, competition, and celebration as we all reach goals and change our lives.

See you all tonight!

Weight Loss Challenge

2010-10-01T08:31:00.001-07:00

I'm diving in, making a commitment, and aiming to change my life.

I participated in The Healthy Weigh's Team Challenge before and although I didn't win first place, it was a boost I needed to stay on target during some really rough times in my life. I'm ready for that push again. The weekly weigh in's in front of a crowd will force me to be accountable. No one, especially a fragile dieter, wants to hear "up just a little". Add hearing that in front of 20 - 30 people and you've got one committed dieter! I know that shove will help hold me firmly in line for the next 10 weeks.

TS is doing the challenge with me. That makes the weight loss journey so much more enjoyable! Knowing we are accountable to one another and then holding each other to that promise throughout the day will make meal time and weekends so much easier. Although TS is great, it is hard to be with someone that's indulging when I know I can't. After 10 weeks, my "no" will be fixed and I'll be able to hold firm while I continue on the journey. In the beginning though, I need all the help I can get! Plus, TS is a boy and boys lose faster than gals so I'm thinking we might have a real chance here if we stick to plan and work hard together!

I'm still debating on team names but might have maybe settled on "Gut-Less Couple". Any suggestions? I want something positive and fun. For some inspiration, check out the other team names from a challenge or two ago.

I'm excited for this Challenge and am so ready to kick some team booty!

Let's rock!

How much and how long?

2010-09-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

Did anyone catch the Oprah show a couple weeks ago on the biggest and most impressive weight loss stories she's seen? I think it was a rerun from an earlier time. I'm not generally an Oprah watcher but when something pops up about weight loss, I tivo it so that I can be inspired.

The stories were incredible. Women losing 250 pounds in a year. Men becoming half their size in a short period of time. These people all looked incredible. I was impressed. Oprah and her doc (can't remember his name) were both in awe of the hard work and results each person had accomplished and rightly so. They were inspiring.

Some of the women started out at the same weight I did. I listened to their stories and could so relate it to my own. One lady talked about how she couldn't walk without getting out of breath and that brought back memories of not wanting to park too far from the store because I didn't want to be out of breath and sweating when I got inside. I'd forgotten some of that.

Anyway, what really got me thinking though, was that each time they'd relate their stories, Oprah wanted to know how long it took them to lose the weight. Some were a year, some two years but it was all generally a short period of time in relation to the amount of weight they had lost.

I was actually a bit surprised at the emphasis that was placed on the length of time. We all do that though, don't we? I know I did.

When I started, I wanted to know how long I was going to have to eat like a rabbit. Give me a date, a timeline, an END! And when I didn't reach my goal weight in the timeframe I'd established for myself, I was severely disappointed and somehow felt as if I were a failure.

In reality though, is there ever an end? Aren't we making life changes here? Do we ever really stop losing weight and working toward our goals? I don't think we do and that can be a bit hard to digest.

When I reach my 157 pound goal, I'll need to maintain it. That will mean consistent adjustments, changes, and work to keep my eating in order. It's a fact of life.

So is it really that important that I get to my goal immediately? Or is it more important that I take the time needed to learn how to manage this for the rest of my life?

I'd rather have a few mess ups now, take an extra year to lose the weight, and then really learn how to manage my eating. Dumping my weight quickly, being released into the world, and putting it back on is not an option in my book.

Time is irrelevant and often an unnecessary roadblock to our weight loss. The time will pass whether we're working on our goals, at our goals, or ignoring our goals.

So what would happen if we ignored the time factor and instead focused on the process? If each day we focused on the now and dealt with the issues that brings up instead of beating ourselves up for not being where we should be?

That, to me, sounds like a much healthier and easier to manage approach.

Great Expectations

2010-09-16T08:10:00.001-07:00

I have a big drop.
I get excited.
I expect a big drop again.
I'm disappointed when I'm only down a pound or half pound.
I want to give up.
I cheat.
I go off plan.
I go up in weight.
I get mad at myself.
I quit.

Sadly, that's been my pattern in the past.

The big drops in the beginning are highly motivating. They propel me forward, keep me focused, and keep me striving for the continued big drops. Unfortunately, weight doesn't always come off in big numbers like I'd like it to so when I'm only down a half pound or pound, I start to lose that focus and determination.

Instinctively, I know that losing at a slow steady pace is much healthier for my body and although I know that, I still expect that the weight will just magically melt away. This is especially true when I've worked hard mentally to stick to plan. The harder my brain works, the more weight I should lose, right?

So, having said all of that, today I'm struggling. I was super jazzed yesterday to lose a pound from Tuesday to Thursday but today my little brain is saying things like "Wow, I'm gonna be losing weight forever at this pace!" and "Ugh! I turned down PIZZA! Isn't that worth more than 1 pound?" and "1 pound ... hmm ... how much water did I drink yesterday? What clothes was I wearing for the weigh in? Did I REALLY lose a pound?", etc. etc. etc.

Yeah, expectations can lead us down dangerous paths.

I need to change my thinking here. Quickly! What a switch from yesterday, huh? The brain does some not so wonderful things to us when we get stuck in our old patterns.

So, instead of focusing on the phoney expectations, I'm speaking a few truths to myself.

First of all, time will pass regardless of whether or not I'm working on this goal or another one. So, why not make the most it and continue working on the one that's most important?

Weight is weight. 1 pound. 2 pounds. .5 pounds. It's all off and gone never to be back again and for that, I'm thankful.

I will not continue to lose huge amounts of weight each week. My body will slow down and this will get harder. I will need to account for each and every calorie in order to reach my goal. That's a normal thing. Being normal (in this case) is good and I need to accept, prepare, and trudge forward.

This morning I put on a sweatshirt that last week had been a bit tight across the chest. In fact, it's the pink sweatshirt I'm wearing in the side picture on the right. I tried it on before I started losing again and the zipper barely went up over my chest. Needless to say, I didn't wear it. But, this morning I cautiously tried again. I wasn't quite sure if I could handle it if it didn't fit or not but I also knew I needed the morning boost if it did. I slipped my arms in and zipped it up without any struggle. Wuhoo!

I need to think about that and how motivating that is instead of focusing on the negative self talk.

Clothes are gonna fit. I'm gonna lose this weight. And life is gonna be great!

Now, time to prep for the weekend. I see a food shopping trip in my near future. Time to stock up for success!

Pizza (won't) Power

2010-09-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

I know I talk about candy, and sugar, and extra melba snacks, but if you want to know what really gets me going ... it's pizza.

Back in the day (waaaaay back in the day) when I'd had a bad day, I'd call up Godfathers, order an extra large extra cheese extra black olive pizza and then inhale the entire pizza without taking a breath. Literally. In the 20 minutes it took me to get home, I'd have devoured the entire pizza.

Yes folks, that behavior is the exact reason why I was 307 pounds! I shudder now to think of the calories I pumped into my body. Incredible.

Anyway, I digress.

Last night, I was confronted with pizza head on. It came to my door and sat in my kitchen on the counter (ugh, the nerve!). The smell wafted it's tempting finger of goey goodness through to the living room and beckoned under my nose for me to partake.

I swear that pizza was talking to me. It told me it didn't have any calories, would solve all my problems as well as world peace, and generally settle a sense of euphoria upon my heart. Ahhhh, food euphoria. Yes, I remember that feeling. It was short lived but what a high. It was a high that came while I was consuming then quickly turned on me when the food was gone ... but ... with the smell and talk beckoning me, it was sure hard to remember all the bad things I felt after the food slipped through my lips. It was way easier to stop at remembering the taste of the goodies rather than the feelings.

Rewind to earlier in the evening before the pizza took up residence in my kitchen.

TS wanted pizza for dinner. He'd hinted at it a bit, asked if I would have a piece or two to which I said a firm "no, thank you though" but I told him he should order it for himself if he wanted it. He wasn't on a diet. Why should he change his eating behavior for me? Although I appreciated his willingness to do so, I also knew it was unfair to ask him not to. I needed to take responsibility for my own choices and I thought I was strong enough to resist the pizza if he did order it.

So he called Domino's and placed the order.

In the meantime, I started preparing myself mentally and physically. I made a HUGE chicken salad with fresh veggies (garden tomatoes, string beans, onions, spinach, etc.) and decided I'd eat before the pizza arrived so that my rumbling tummy wouldn't add to the beckoning of the pizza.

I repeated to myself over and over "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" and went to my closet numerous times to see my inspiration clothes (skinny jeans and a cute little jacket I used to flaunt around in). I even pulled the jacket out and slipped it on the dining room chair so I'd see it when I walked through to the kitchen where the pizza would sit.

I was ready!

Pizza arrived. As mentioned, temptation ensued in rapid succession. I resisted.

I won.

I'm so proud of myself! All of my mental work paid off. I heard the pizza talking to me and yes, it was a struggle not to have a slice or three, sneak a bite, or pinch off a topping or two. But I didn't give in. I kept repeating to myself that I was worth more than that pizza. I was worth the self-control it took to resist. I was worth fitting into that cute jacket again. I was worth seeing this through. And, the fact that there was a Thursday weigh in looming in my future really helped me continue down the right path. I said over and over "I won't give in. I won't give in. I won't give in."

It was one of the hardest evenings I've had while on plan and the pizza temptation took me back to the beginning of my journey. I remembered what it was like to eat what I wanted and I also remembered how I felt when I ate what I wanted. Not so good.

The feeling of success I have today is way more satisfying than the pizza would have been. I also feel powerful and confident instead of weak and self conscious. My weight loss goal is in the gross hairs and I'm on the hunt.

I call what happened yesterday Pizza (won't)Power. I had the willpower to say "I won't eat pizza" and I didn't. I had Pizza (won't)Power!

Oh, and by the way, that pizza (won't)power helped me lose another pound since Tuesday. Power that helps me reach my goals? Yep, that's the best kinda power to have!

Inspiration

2010-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes. As mentioned before and as you can see from recent posts, I love quotes. When I'm feeling a bit outta sorts, I punch a word in Google, add the word "quote" to the end, and cross my fingers that some sort of inspiration will hit me.

As of late, I've create digital word pictures that combine my inspirational quotes with pictures and other words that help keep me focused. I'm attaching one such creation.

I printed that out and posted it on my fridge. Each time I see it, I think of what those words mean to me. What am I going for in the fridge? Inspiration? If so, then this picture reminds me to find my inspiration by other means.

I'm also truly inspired by other people. I don't care how you've lost the weight ... if you've lost weight (any amount), you inspire me! We are all on this journey together and seeing others succeed inspires me to succeed. I love blogs for this very reason. When I'm feeling I can't do it, I go read about others that can and suddenly feel as if anything is possible!

TV shows about weight loss, talking with my friends about their struggles, lifting up others, visiting the counselors at THW, and even listening to music help me stay on track.

Speaking of music, have you heard this song by Michael Buble? He does such a great job on this version. I love it! It is a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life! And I'm feeling good! I hear this song and it fills me up a bit.

So, inquiring minds wanna know, where do you find inspiration? What keeps you focused and on track? What things do you do when you're at the bottom of the barrel and want to reach for food?

Down but not out!

2010-09-14T07:31:00.001-07:00

The numbers don't lie and the truth is sweet. I'm down 4.1 since Thursday which puts my weekly weight loss (since Tuesday) at 10.8 pounds.

WOWZA! Sweet! I'll take it!

I'll also take the fact that my clothes are fitting better, it's getting easier to turn down the food temptations, and I'm starting to feel more like "me" again. The new me; the me that liked herself and was excited to take care of herself.

I opened my closet this morning and was actually excited to pick out an outfit. There's still lots in there that doesn't fit me, but it's getting better. I have choices again! I don't just have one pair of jeans that fit me, I've got three. In another 15 pounds, I'll be able to squeeze (ie lay on the bed and pray to get them buttoned) in those cute jeans I was buying for the skinnier me. I'm soooo looking forward to that day. I loved those jeans! Tight or not, the day I can slip them over my hips, I'll be wearing them! That's gonna be a great day.

However, as I'm writing this, my brain is battling me a bit by throwing in "you shouldn't have gained back any weight in the first place" and "if you were truly focused, you'd be at your ultimate goal by now with a whole new set of skinny jeans".

Those self-sabotaging statements absolutely HAVE to stop. So I'm shutting it down immediately.

Regardless of where I SHOULD be, I'm where I NEED to be, and I'm working on getting where I WANT to be. That's what matters. My body is ready for this change as is proven by the drop and I will stay positive, keep from falling into my old self-defeating behaviors, and I will succeed.

I've printed out a few inspirational quotes to help me on the journey, taped them to my monitor and office door. I'm repeating them over and over and over and over to ingrain them in my silly brain. I'm working on my thinking, changing it to be more positive and shutting down the negative self-talk so that I can relish in this last weeks accomplishment and use it to propel me forward to even more weight loss.

"Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will."
~ Zig Ziglar

"Having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done."
~ Bo Bennett

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination."
~ Ralph Marston

I like that last one the most. Positive, effective, UNSTOPPABLE determination.

YEAH!

10.8 pounds down. That's a huge accomplishment and I can't wait to see what my body does next.

Weekend Wrap Up

2010-09-13T07:32:00.001-07:00

Being alone and on plan is almost as hard as being with someone and on plan ... just in a different way. I'd forgotten that little tidbit but was reminded this weekend when TS went hunting leaving me to my own devices for my first weekend back on plan.

When you're alone, no one is there to notice if you slip a few extras in, take a few more bites, have the additional starch, or indulge in a completely off plan treat. When someone is there and I've told them of my commitment to change, I feel obligated to see it through just in case they might notice otherwise.

Of course, on the flip side, when I'm alone, I don't have added off-plan temptation because I've grocery shopped and filled the cupboards with foods I can eat. There's no one sitting on the couch next to me, munching chips and oh so sweetly offering them to me.

I guess the truth is that being on plan is difficult no matter what the situation I'm in. It's all in how you look at it, right? Another truth though is that being focused and taking care of myself physically is rewarding too. I can't tell you how liberating it was this weekend to stick to my food plan.

Friday night was probably my hardest night and I did give into a granola bar that called to me incessantly from the cupboard. After indulging though, I felt even more empty and lonely than I had before I ate. I know it's just a granola bar, but ... the point is that I'd given in. I was disappointed in myself and vowed that for the rest of the weekend, I would stick to plan.

And I did.

I planned a few soul fulfilling activities like horse rides, time with good friends and manicures (ok, that one might not be soul fulfilling but it sure did a gal some good!) so instead of focusing on food, I focused on "me" time. I came away from the weekend truly refreshed and ready to step on the scale tomorrow.

Wow. How often do I get to say that? I'm actually looking forward to weighing in.

I feel more focused than ever and I know that I'm succeeding. The numbers tomorrow will show that too!

I deserve this

2010-09-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a "deserved" eater. I eat because .... well ... I deserve it!

I've had a hard day and life sucks. I deserve pizza.
I'm mad at the world. I deserve chocolate.
I'm sick. I deserve chips.
I just completed a big project at work. I deserve cookies!
I just lost a pound! I deserve ice cream!
I'm stressed, happy, sad, mad, glad, anxious, etc. I deserve pizza, cookies, AND ice cream!

I blame this whole phenomenon squarely on my parents. Well, my mom really. My mom would reward herself and us kids with food (or shopping ... my other vice) every chance she got. She'd yell at us, feel guilty, and then take us to a dinner of our choice. She'd have a rough day and take us out for pie. I'd have a bad day and she'd make me homemade mac & cheese. I learned at a very young age that food wasn't just meant to sustain our bodies but also our souls and hearts. It was a substitute when life wasn't going well and a means of celebration when life was going great.

This whole thing has really put a wrench in my dieting plan. It haunts me a lot. Louder than anything else, my little brain likes to yell out "EAT IT! YOU DESERVE IT!" when tempted with chocolate, pizza, etc. It will then justify the "deserve" with a rundown of my current situation until it settles on that moments highest rated emotion that needs to be fed, or most often, pushed down.

I dealt with this in my last round of weight loss by switching my food addiction to a shopping addiction. I'd feel icky (or happy) and then I'd clothes shop because ... well ... I deserved it!

This time around, I don't want to substitute one addiction for another. I want to kick this thing. To truly kick it, I need to process, feel (ouch!) and deal with the situations in my life.

Because, at the root of it all, I deserve happiness.

I really don't want to do this weight loss thing again. It's hard, man! It's a killer! I want to figure this out this time so that when things come up, I'm running to my journal and not my fridge. I want to be healthy. I deserve that too.

I'm worth more than pizza, chocolate, and cookies. I'm worth the effort it's going to take to work through the emotions and get to the root of why I eat. I deserve to be the person I want to be outwardly and inwardly. I finally understand that and am willing to put the work in now to figure this out.

Success. Weight loss. Reaching my goals. Empowerment. Freedom from food. Good health.

That's what I deserve.

I am a CHAMPION!

2010-09-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yep, I did it. I stayed true to plan, drank my water, did my exercise, and today when stepping on the scale I knew without a shadow of a doubt I'd put 100% into the last couple days.

The result? Down 6.7 pounds.

I'll take it!

Of course, I can justify a few of those pounds away with clothes, water, and women issues. Not all of it, but some of it.

As you can see, my brain is trying to come up with every reason other than my own hard work as to why I lost the weight. I have a hard time accepting that I did this. Deep down, I think I'm worried that I won't be able to do the same next week and if I can somehow pin today's drop on something else, I can then blame those same things next week when I don't drop.

How many times have I said, well, I'm not down this week because I didn't drink my water or I didn't wear the right clothes or ... whatever. In reality though, if I was 100% on plan, wouldn't I be down? Yep. Yep I would. The weeks I say those things are generally the weeks I've had a few "extras" and don't want to admit to them.

So, you know what, I'm not going to offer up any excuses or reasons this time. I need to accept this as a hard earned victory. Even if some of it was water weight, I still made decisions that helped me take it off.

Last night I didn't give into the sunflower seeds that would have had me retain water and extra calories for the day.
I made a conscious decision to down huge quantities of water (HUGE!) throughout the day.
When my shins were screaming at me to stop, I still powered through a four mile walk.
I weighed, measured, and recorded my food.
I passed the candy bowl multiple times and did not give in to the peanut butter cups and almond joys.
I didn't stop at Starbucks on my way to work.
I went back to THW and weighed in this morning.
I made a conscious effort to stay positive, focused, and dedicated to this goal.

That, to me, spells victory.

I need to take time to soak that in and believe it. In order to be successful, I need to celebrate the successes instead of focusing on the negative and sabotaging self-talk.

I'm rewarding myself tonight for staying firm and booting off 6.7 pounds. While rewarding myself, I'm going to make sure I'm repeating over and over that I made wise decisions that led to today's drop and I will make wise decisions that will lead to the rest of the weight dropping off too.

On another note, it's going to be an interesting weekend. TS is hunting so I'll have the house to myself. This normally would've sent me into a tailspin of eating so I'm already gearing up and planning other things to keep me busy. Instead of thinking of this as a lonely weekend, I'm thinking of it as a weekend of me time. I'm booking activities that I don't get to do as often when he's around such as horsey riding which will also rejuvenate my soul. For food, I'm gathering a few on-plan recipes I'd like to test out. Armed with these tools and already working on my attitude about this weekend will bring success.

The scale will go down on Tuesday too. I want to feel the wonderful feeling of victory I have right now again next week.

And I will.

Did I give 100%?

2010-09-08T08:00:00.001-07:00

The talk given by Dan Russell (champion wrestler) at The Healthy Weigh University was phenomenal!

I went into yesterday's talk a bit of a skeptic. I mean really, what did wrestling have to do with weight loss? What would a toned athlete know about a fat gals struggle to be thin? Really? Seriously?

Turns out, I was so totally wrong. This guy had some really interesting things to say about goal setting, inspiring others, and achieving goals. He's lived an incredible life and known some incredible people that have helped him look at life in the best, most productive, way. And the truth is that a struggle is universal whether it's a struggle to lose weight or overcome adversity to win the match.

One thing he said that really struck home with me, was that at the end of the day, the champion isn't necessarily the person that takes home the medal, it's the person that puts in his personal best.

In all his matches, before he'd step onto the wrestling mat, he'd walk up to the edge of the mat and ask himself two questions.

1) Had he done all he could to prepare himself for this match?
2) Was he now prepared to give 100% on the mat?

If he answered yes to both of those questions, he would then visualize himself at the end of the match, holding his arms out in the victory stance, accepting his win. If he didn't win though, he didn't let it get him down because he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he had put forth 100% off and on the mat.

What a great concept to take to the scale!

I generally dread stepping onto that lie detector. I dread the numbers that will pop up. I worry that if the scale isn't down the right amount, I will have let myself down and have others judge me (even though they never do) for not doing what I needed to do to lose. Sometimes, that fear and dread has been the excuse that kept me from visiting The Healthy Weigh for my weigh ins.

What would happen if instead of thinking those thoughts, I asked myself the two questions Dan asked himself?

1) Had I done all I could to prepare myself for this weigh in?
2) Am I ready to give another 100% until the next weigh in?

After answering a resounding YES! to both questions, I could then visualize myself at goal. Slender, smiling, riding my horse on a victory weigh-loss-goal ride!

Stepping on the scale with a smile on my face and that visualization in my heart and mind might just help me follow through and not dread the numbers that pop up. After all, if I give 100% off the scale and the numbers don't go down as much as I'd built them up to, who cares?

I still gave 100% to the process and accomplished my own personal best. That makes me a champion. My reward is in the work and the process.

Uh-oh, I feel another quote coming on!

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."
~ Greg Anderson

I know, I know ... there's little joy in losing weight. But there's great joy in victory and being a champion! I really believe that and am looking forward (yep, I really am!) to applying it to my little weigh in tomorrow. I've been committed. I've been putting forth 100% these last couple days.

And tomorrow, I look forward to calling myself a weight loss champion!

Restart. Accept. Charge Ahead.

2010-09-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's "D-Day".

I actually stepped back on the scale this morning. Apprehension, nervousness, disappointment, and even a bit of excitement (oddly) all tripped through my head as I took a look at my numbers. I'd like to report them here, but frankly, I'm still digesting them myself. I promise to give you all the messy details once I've come to terms with them.

In the meantime, I want to just take a sec to congratulate myself for taking a step back in the right direction. I know, it's odd to congratulate ones self, but as you all know, restarting is hard ... especially when you've restarted, and restarted, and restarted before! Each time gets a little bit harder ... but ... I did it. And I'm going to keep doing it.

I know the next weeks will be hard as I readjust and refocus. Getting back into a routine will be difficult. Not derailing myself will be excruciating. I know that I will fight for each pound (or even half a pound) that comes off.

But, in fighting, I will feel empowered, inspired, and more self-confident. Those are feelings I miss terribly and will be well worth the fight that's about to take place.

It will help that today I'm also attending first of The Healthy Weigh's University courses. Today's topic, Motivation 101. How fitting!

I also found a bit of inspiration online. Being a pseudo-writer, I'm a huge lover of quotes. Having someone else's words floating through my brain throughout a day can very often keep my own negative thoughts at bay. Today the following two quotes are wafting through my brain:

"Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?"
~ Dennis and Wendy Mannering
(Pssst .... her name is Wendy too so she therefore must be a superstar!)

"It's so hard when I HAVE to, and so easy when I WANT to."
~ Annie Gottlier

Both of these statements are so true. I can't tell you how many times I've brought others down with me when I'm in a bad mood ... or how often when I'm in a good mood that I've let someone in a bad mood bring me down. Today, that changes. My attitude is inspired, motivated, and positive and I'm spreading the love!

As for the second quote, how true is that too? It's so easy for me to say no to bad food when I want to do well and lose the weight. When I don't truly want to do well, and when I'm in process of sabotaging my own efforts, saying no is hard. It's impossible. Today, it will be easy ... or at least easier. I want to lose the weight and I WANT to say no to the bad.

I WANT to be in a great mood, have a good attitude, and say YES! to weight loss.

Can I restart (yet again)?

2010-09-01T16:00:00.001-07:00

Boy, I feel like I make a day or two of headway and then get thrown back into the whirlwind of life and completely go off track. Why doesn't life just cooperate already? This is important to me and losing this weight needs to ... well ... it needs to just HAPPEN already!

Quite honestly, I'm afraid to even utter the words "starting again" as it implies I have to commit to this and quite honestly, I can not fail again. I will not fail again.

As of late, I've not had the best track record when I've gotten jazzed to lose the weight and thrown it out to the world that "I'm baaaaack!" so I'm refraining and instead saying to myself "let's just see how this goes".

Why was it so much easier before I knew what dieting really was about? Like now that I've done it, although I know I can be successful if I commit (problem #1), I also know how much work it is to get there and my brain is refusing to be tricked into this diet thing again.

But perhaps it's not about the trick as much as it is about the doing.

Regardless, I'm learning a lot about myself in this process. I'm learning that I still have a long way to go. No matter how much weight I lose, unless I focus on the REASONS why I gained my weight, I will never be able to keep it off. Focusing on and cleaning up the reasons ... well ... that's harder than losing the weight because life hasn't stopped to let me figure this all out. Instead it's picked up it's pace. I'm being drug along behind it right now and I need to get back on my feet to run this race.

I'm facing things I've buried or thought I'd dealt with. I'm also coming to terms with who I am vs who I want to be. I'm taking a long hard look at my soul in the mirror and adjusting accordingly.

I appreciate those of you that have checked in on the blog to see how I'm doing. I'm still here. I'm growing emotionally (as is my waistline but that will change soon enough). Some of that growing needs to be taken offline as I seriously doubt everyone in internet land wants to know the intimate details. I don't even want to know about them!

Anyway, I will be back and I will complete this weight loss journey. I plan to start weekly weigh ins again soon and will be blogging once I'm a week or so into the weight loss. I need to get my passion back, hold onto it, and then I will share it with all of you lucky people.

In the meantime, I hope you all are staying strong and losing! Your losing inspires me and right now I need that inspiration!

The Boyfriend Factor

2010-07-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Losing weight while in a relationship is harder. I mean, when I was single I had my own set of issues to deal with ... but ... once I'd made up my mind to lose the weight, I could fully and truly commit to doing so with little to no outside influence on my decision. I lived alone. I shopped alone. I ate alone. And therefore I was able to stick pretty close to plan.

Now that I'm living with someone, the dynamic changes a lot. Not only do I contend with my own cravings, but his cravings, and the cravings of his three kids also come into play. I'm fighting hard to keep my boundaries and not allow their food choices to impact my own. But ... man ... I gotta tell ya ... when you're just starting back again, that's HARD!

Last night was a classic situation.

I knew I'd be home late so I planned ahead and had a nice chicken salad before my afternoon appointment eliminating the need to eat at 7:30 when I got home last night. TS worked late but didn't plan, so, on his way home, he calls me from Safeway where he's picking up popsciles and treats.

"Did you need anything?" he asked nicely.

"Carrots," I muttered thinking that ice cream sounded tastier but sticking to my guns on the weight loss thing. The words "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" resounded in my head.

TS came home and proceeded to make a full dinner. After his meal, he was still hungry so he raided the cupboards where we just happen to have some chips and salsa left over from a recent BBQ. He nabed those, sat down on the loveseat next to me, and proceeded to dip, munch, chew, and murmer while he indulged in the salty goodies.

Let me tell you, the crunch of the chips was deafening. It pittered into my eardrums, bounced around in my head, and then came out the other side like an echo at the grand canyon. I was in full craving mode.

Hoping to stave off the inappropriate hunger and chips, I too raided the kitchen and found the carrots he'd purchased. Although not chips, the snap of the carrot would hopefully help combat the crunch of the chips. I was going to test it out.

This plan was working gloriously until TS so sweetly passed the chip bowl directly under my nose and said, "would you like one or two?"

Oh. My. Gosh. The smell of the greasy goodness, the sound of the crunch still in my ear ... No amount of carrot napping could stop of thunderous "YES!" that exploded from my lips.

"YES!" I almost shouted! "But no. And please don't ask me again. I know you're trying to be nice, but honestly, I can't handle it right now."

He backed off and didn't offer me any additional off plan food which I'm thankful for.

Although I appreciate the consideration, I much more appreciate the fact that when I stepped on the scale at THW, I was down 6 pounds.

The agony of passing up on the chips was so worth the big drop this week!

This weekend I'm sure I'll have to repeat the "no" to TS a few times. He's a nice guy an wants to share. I, however, can not indulge. My indulgence comes on Tuesday when I'm down another couple pounds!

Uncontrollable controlling-ness

2010-07-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is Wendy and I'm a control freak. I admit it. I try not to be, but every once in awhile, it creeps out and I forget and it slips away from me. Well, it doesn't just slip away from me ... it charges full out toward the people I love most in my life and makes their lives completely miserable.

Sadly, at my worst, I want to control even the little things in their lives. One such silly example is that I want my boyfriend to go to bed when I go to bed. Why? I couldn't tell you any good reason. I can rationalize it and say it's because that's what my parents did ... but ... really? Who cares? That's not a good reason. It's a silly reason. The man doesn't need the same amount of sleep I do ... so I should just let him sit up as late as he wants to. He's a big grown adult. He can decide when he wants to go to bed ... just like I do.

I'm very sad to admit that my controlling can get that bad but it's the truth and if I can admit my weight on a public blog, I guess I can cop to this too, right?

The weird thing about control is that in the controlling, we start to realize how truly out of control we really are which leads to more controlling and more out of control feelings and more attempts to control and then getting out of control all of which in turn leads me straight to food.

I was reminded over the weekend that my controlling tendencies need to be rounded up and controlled hence why, as of right now, I'm putting the smack down on that behavior.

I fully recognize that when I'm happiest is when I'm not focused on controlling others behavior but instead focused on controlling my own.

I think that's the very reason why I tend to want to control others though. If I can focus on controlling them, then I don't need to take a hard look at myself. In the short term, it's so much easier instead to focus on the things that are wrong with them and get those under control than to take a long, hard look at myself.

Easier in the beginning ... but impossible in the long run. And in the failing to control their behavior, I start to feel like even more of a failure in my own life.

So as of right now, I'm only responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. There is nothing else ... NOTHING ELSE! ... that I'm in control of. I'm only focused on making myself a happy, healthy, well rounded person. How others feel and what they do is up to them. It's their choice what they do and how they feel about what they do.

I have faith that if I let my boyfriend make the decision as to when he wants to go to bed, he'll make the choice that's best for him. In the meantime, I'll make the choice that's best for me and get the sleep I need in order to be fully functioning the next day.

I have faith that if I focus inwardly, I'll get my weight under control and feel healthier sooner. I won't want to run to food when I lose control because I will have full control over my own self and own behavior.

That sounds like a much better and easier way to live life. I want that.

A New Goal

2010-06-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Bad news from the doctor today ... I mean ... not devastating ... but somewhat hard to hear. I'm healing really well so on that front, I'm thankful.

So, what can the bad news be, you might ask?

Well, the doc said "no horse riding for another 6 weeks". Her actual statement was something along the lines of "You do know that we just took out an organ from your belly area, right? And you do know that you use your belly area to ride, right? So, yeah, um, NO! You can't ride for 6 weeks! End of discussion."

She then launched into some serenade about hernias and whatnot which frankly I wasn't listening too as I was still trying to consume the knowledge that for a loooooong while I wouldn't have horsey saddle time to soothe my soul.

Bummer.

For a gal that finds her soul, peace, and rest on the back of her horses, this was hard news to stomach (ha!). Add to that the fact that I live in the oh-so-rainy Northwest and the trail riding season is short and will be half over by the time I actually make it into a saddle ... and, well, you get one sad, forlorn cowgirl that's wishing she'd been able to plan the surgery at another time. Darn body.

I let myself wallow in this news for a bit because, as silly as this might sound, I needed to mourn the fact that my passion was being put on hold for a bit.

But then I got to thinking about it, adding all the dates in my head. Waiting 6 weeks to ride puts me squarely at August 6st. A Friday. A weekend.

Hmm .... so then my wheels started turning. What if I scheduled a horse camping trip for the first weekend in August to celebrate being back in the saddle? Not only that, but what if I picked a place I've always wanted to go but haven't yet? Like one of those places I always say "Wow, I'd really like to ride THERE!" And, this was the topper, what if I tied this trip to a weight loss reward? What if I lost 2 pounds per week for 5 weeks (that's average on plan)? Could I really be down 10 pounds and one size by then??? Oh boy! My riding jeans would fit again!

Hmm .... the wheels turning were not only making my ears smoke but were starting to change my mental state. I was actually getting quite excited. I could invite a friend or two even. Which horse would I take? What amazing horse campground would I pick? Wow, there's so much to look forward to!

In all this thinking and planning, somehow, I was able to turn bad news into a reward and therefore stellar news! I was rewarding myself for making wise and healthy choices both in my eating as well as in caring for my body post surgery.

So, welcome to my new goal.

By August 7th, I will be down 12 pounds and celebrating on the back of my faithful stead as we gallop down a gloriously wooded trail. I will feel confident, healthy, and light as I catch sunbeams. I will feel proud of myself for having made wise choices. I can just picture my horse Buttons (pictured on the right) and I running down a trail. The wind lifting her mane in rhythmic time to her hooves and me, sitting tall (well, I'll still be short but I'll be tall for a short person!) in the saddle with a perma grin, bugs in my teeth, sun on my face, wind in my hair, and all wrapped up in success.

This is a goal that gets my blood pumping and my motivation roaring louder than the cravings. This is the kind of goal I need and so thankful to have tucked in my back pocket right now.

Bring it 4th of July BBQ season! I see your burger and raise you a horse riding trip. Take that!

Success!

2010-06-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sweet sweet sweeeeeeeet success is by far sweeter and more satisfying than any mini nerds or snickers or milky way bar. I know this, because I was successful yesterday and today I'm patting myself so hard on the back I might just make own darn self fall over.

Yesterday I was 100% fully committed and on plan all day .... yep, all day. By writing out my thoughts on the blog, I was able to say a shakey (albeit firm) "NO" to the candy temptation and came through the day with stellar success.

It was hard. A lot of my triggers showed up throughout the day yesterday; the candy dish in the afternoon, home alone most of the evening, and then a "disagreement" with TS when he got home. All of those things used to send me directly to the cupboards but each time I thought of reaching for food, I downed water instead and reiterated to myself that I had a goal, a purpose, and had made a decision to see this thing through which meant NOTHING was going to stop me.

As I said before, I feel that each time I'm able to pull through things like that, I get stronger and more committed. So today, I'm happy to report that I'm staring temptation in the face and telling it to take a hike!

With the 4th of July holiday on the horizon, I'm starting to think ahead as to how I will manage this and stay on plan. TS and I will be camping for two days with his family so I'll need to figure out foods I can eat whilst they are downing burgers, hotdogs, and smores (oooohhh! Smores!). I'm prepping now both mentally and physically as I do not want this weekend to be an excuse to backslide.

I see a lot of carrots, fruits, and string cheeses in my near future. I will not go off plan.

Did ya'll hear that? I WILL NOT GO OFF PLAN! Now that I've said it, I'm sure you all will hold me too it, right? :D

Tomorrow = weigh in day!

I do NOT need NERDS!

2010-06-29T14:14:00.001-07:00

Yes, I already posted today but I need strength so I'm blogging, writing it out and trying to convince myself that I can pass up that darn candy dish.

Why are afternoons so hard? What is about the 2:00 pm time frame that pulls at my belly and brain?

This is something I must figure out. Cravings for me trigger most often in the early afternoon. Evenings are easier and generally if I can make it through the calling of the temptation in the afternoon, I can succeed through the rest of the day.

But around this time every day, I start thinking of the candy dish, vending machine, a coffee treat, or, truthfully, just anything to stuff in my face.

Today it's the nerds candies that are sitting in my friend's office candy dish. They rest beside the mini snickers and milky ways that also tempt me. I pass by them each time I visit my friend and today there's quite a bit of visiting because we're working on a project together.

I've been holding firm thus far in my ignoring of their temptation. It's been hard though as this candy dish used to be a friend of mine many times during the day. It was second nature to go into her office and nab a couple pieces of candy while we chatted. It wasn't even a thought to do it or not to do it. I just did it.

Earlier today, I actually found myself with a strawberry nerds box in my hand, had my fingernail poised to slice through the cardboard top so that I could devour them, when I realized what I was doing and said aloud "no nerds today!" and shoved them back into the candy dish. My friend chuckled, reached around me, and grabbed a snickers. Yeah, she's not much help.

It's not her responsibility to help me say no though so I don't fault her. It's my job to stay firm on this plan. It's me that has to weigh in on Thursday and see the results of my efforts today.

Although one mini package of nerds might not pack a wallop of calories, let's be honest here, it's never just ONE package that I consume.

I swear, sugar is my gateway drug. One devouring of a package of nerds candies leads to three more mini packages of nerd candies, plus a snickers mini and perhaps just one teeny tiny milky way, plus another package of melba snacks, plus mac & cheese for dinner, plus ... well, you get the idea. I derail once, I derail twice, I derail for the rest of the day.

Why do that to myself? When I derail, I feel like poop both mentally and physically. I don't like myself for giving into something so silly and giving up control of my own will. I don't like how fat I feel especially when I try to put on my pants that are still too tight. And, come weigh in on Thursday, I'm disappointed, discouraged, unhappy, and miserable.

The instant gratification of the nerds is never lasting and quickly, very quickly, gives way to awful feelings and the avalanche of dirty eating and thinking that follows.

On the other hand, sticking to plan makes me feel powerful, confident, encouraged, sexy (oh yeah baby!!) and accomplished. Each time I successfully stay on plan, I feel that I've won part of my weight battle and it gets easier and easier to stay focused and successful. It's these initial temptations I need to kick in the teeth and tap out.

Strictly focused on the short term, aren't those good feelings I just described so much better than a package of nerds?

Yes, yes they are.

What would happen if I 100% adhered to my diet with absolutely no (none, zilch, nada) "extras" for a day? A week? A month? How much better would my clothes fit in such a short period of time? How much better would I feel about myself physically and mentally? Would my afternoon cravings subside? Hmmm....

I know the answer because it's what I did when I was dropping weight left and right. Literally. It was melting off my body because I didn't let momentary temptation derail my long term goal and therefore, I succeeded.

Oh wow ... Tada! Seriously, I've convinced myself out of a nerds craving!!! Nasty nerds! Be gone with you! I am stronger than those pesky sour candies. I've proven that already and I've just tapped into that strength to see me through.

Thank you for listening to my afternoon ramble. I feel empowered having made the decision to write this out instead of indulging in a silly craving.

With that, I'm off to fill my water bottle and have a scrumptious, crisp fuji apple followed by a handful of squishy, fresh, organic blueberries.

Oh, I've got a feeling this Thursday weigh-in is going to be gooooooooooood!!!!

Hungery? Me? Oh no!

2010-06-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not a person that likes to be hungry. I know that's probably a common tidbit amongst most people but, in fact, I will avoid it all costs. I'll down massive amounts of water to stave off the disaster of a hunger pain or ... if it gets too bad ... I'll give into the pain and munch down a treat or two ... or three ... or four .... I hardly ever even let my hunger get to the hunger pain stage. If I feel that it "might" happen, I'll try to jump ahead of it in a panic.

This has to be psychological. I've never been without food at any time in my life so I'm guessing this has little to do with starvation and much more to do with my own tantrum of being told no.

I say no to myself and suddenly I feel deprived. I panic. My brain screams like a wild child in the grocery store and my no soon turns into a food obsession. Once it gets to the obsession point, I feel I've lost the battle and that's when the snickers, donuts, pizza, or other calorie derailments pass through my then quivering lips.

I'm having a hard time turning that part of my brain off these days. I keep giving into it which makes it even harder to stick with it the next time.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure how to get around this little issue. I'm attempting to talk myself out of it by using the rationale of how crappy I feel when I go off plan vs when I'm losing the weight. I'm trying to convince my brain that I will not shrivel up in a ball, go into convulsions, and immediately die if I pass by the candy dish without dipping my hand in for a treat.

Perhaps this isn't a time when I need to convince myself though. Perhaps this is a time when I need to just say no and then stick with it. My brain can kick, scream, writhe around and throw a pity party all it wants, but my stick-to-it-ness will eventually see me through to a drop in weight and another shot of motivation. Hmmm .... interesting concept. I'm going to attempt to stop talking with myself about this and instead truly commit to the decision of losing the weight which means, that no rationale or discussion is needed. I'm on a plan. I will stick with it. End of story.

Take that brain!

On other news, I'm up slightly to 224 today. Not too bad considering my surgery still has me quite bloated and distended.

Armed with my new mentality, I'm looking forward to a good drop on Thursday.

Post Surgery, Back At It

2010-06-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

Wow. Surgery. Yeah. Um. Going into surgery, I was oblivious as to how my body would handle things and how much time I'd truly need to recoup. I thought I'd go under the knife, wake up, have a day or two of down time, and then be back in tip top shape. In fact, I was telling everyone that after a Friday surgery, I'd be back to work full time on Monday.

Not so much.

Last week I spent most of my time sleeping. I would do a bit of something and then need a nap. I couldn't even get myself off the couch without assistance for a couple days. My stomach muscles rebelled against the incisions and were not happy with me for slicing them open. They protested and whined ... a lot!

This week is better but I'm still taking it easy. I have four incisions and I'm supposed to be letting them thoroughly heal before attempting anything that will put over 15 pounds of pressure on those areas. I guess hernias are quite common for people that don't take it easy after this surgery. Since that sounds completely horrible to me, I'm listening to the doc even though it means I'm unable to ride my horses for another five weeks. Sniff, sniff.

I can start walking again this week though. My body won't make it the full four miles I was doing at lunch so instead, I'm gearing up for a couple miles at a brisk but manageable pace to get geared back up for the haul-butt wogging I was doing before the surgery.

I didn't do too badly on my eating. There was a night of pizza to test out the removed gallbladder functionality but other than that, I was pretty much on-plan.

My boyfriend did the cooking though so I'm sure there were extras (oil, butter, etc.) thrown in that I wasn't paying attention to. Frankly, I'm not worrying about it. It was nice to have someone take care of me and I couldn't have cared less what I was consuming in between my naps. I do remember quite a few salads .... but it's all a bit hazy on the particulars.

Anyway, tomorrow I weigh in and this week I'm getting meticulous about my diet yet again. I have a feeling the scale will be up as I'm still quite bloated and swollen from the surgery. That's temporary though so I'm prepping myself mentally to stay focused regardless of the numbers tomorrow.

All in all, I feel like good things are on the dieting horizon and I'm anxious to find out what they are!

Numbers Update

2010-06-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Well, all that work this week paid off with only two pounds lost today. Given my pound gain on Tuesday, that means I'm down a pound for the week.

Whaaaaat?

Come on darn body, work this thing out!

I was severely disappointed when I weighed in at THW this morning because my home scale said I was 209 ... but THW scale said 221. Wowza. Bummer. That's what I get for purchasing a dinky "on sale" scale! I think it's time to invest in a nice one, don't you think?

Regardless, I'm hoping that my anxiety over the impending gall bladder surgery (which is tomorrow), is forcing my body to hold the weight. I know stress and anxiety can make people hold weight instead of dropping. So, next week, when the stress is over, I should drop like crazy. I'm hoping ... I need to drop like crazy. I need one big drop to kick this into high gear.

In the meantime, I'm working the program and taking care of myself knowing that my surgery and the recovery is priority right now.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how the whole surgery thing will work with my diet. Although I don't want to use the surgery as an excuse to eat poorly, I also know I'll need a bit more calories in order to help my body heal. I need to remind myself that the extra calories I need in order to heal are going to come from protein and not from starch and sugar.

Luckily, if all goes according to plan, this will be a day surgery so I'll be set at home with all my own healthy foods to consume for the weekend instead of in the hospital downing their idea of healthy food.

As an aside, have any of you seen the unhealthy food they put out at the hospital? Shocking really. Their nutritionists should be ashamed. I swear hospital cafeteria food is as bad as fast food. Amazing. Ok, my rant is over.

Anyway, I'm prepping for my home recovery by scheduling in a little shopping trip to pick up fresh fruits, veggies, and meats. Then, I'll be cooking it up so I can literally grab food out of the fridge, consume, and go back to sleep.

I'm planning to succeed instead of using this as an excuse to fall from my diet plan.

Writing it down. Working it out.

2010-06-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Writing down my food is a hard thing to get back in the habit of doing. I'm being meticulous about it though. I know it's odd, but each time I make a mark on the paper, it becomes real. Somehow, I'm more accountable.

Yesterday I was tempted with a few extra starches. I wanted those extra melba snacks sooooo badly. They were talking with me, begging me to consume their salty goodness. I even reached for them. But out of the corner of my eye I saw my food journal and stopped myself. Did I REALLY want to write down that I'd had more melba snacks? Did I REALLY want to admit that I'd been over my calories for the day? Nope. I didn't.

It's easy to forget what we eat when we don't write it down. Out of sight out of mind is really true when it comes to food and consumption.

When I was most successful on plan, I wrote down every single thing that passed through my lips. I even wrote down the off plan foods when and if they crept into my life. Writing those down and identifying them helped me understand why I ate when and how I did. It actually kept me on plan more often than not. This time is no different and I'm back to making my food journal my best friend and daily companion.

I like what THW put on the front of their food journals about people being twice as likely to lose weight and keep it off when they write down their foods. I believe that because it worked for me. It's such a simple thing to do and yet it's also something pretty simple not to do. If it works though, and it's painless, why don't we all do it all the time?

Accountability. It's a powerful thing.

Sodium. 'Nuff Said.

2010-06-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Up a pound today. How, you might ask? I can only attribute it to the massive amounts of water I drank yesterday coupled with the massive amounts of sodium I consumed without knowing it.

Evidently, sodium runs rampant in most products I enjoy such as soy based proteins and deli meat.

According to the Mayo Clinic, a healthy adult should have no more than 2,300 mg of sodium per day. Everyone else (including middle aged peeps and those of us dieting, meaning me) should consume less than 1,500 mg per day.

They also say:

The bottom line? Avoid products with more than 200 mg of sodium per serving. And check the Nutrition Facts label closely for the serving size — and consider how many servings you actually eat.

Hmmm... ok.

This little tidbit drove me to pull out the packaged deli meat I'd bought for lunches. 1520 mg in one serving! Holy snikees! That's my entire day's worth of sodium in one entree!

Bummer.

But at least it's an answer to the non-weight-loss question.

As much as I love salt (and sugar and carbs and ...) ... it's just not worth the extra poundage right now. So the deli meat is out of my lunch box and the cottage cheese is back in.

By Thursday the sodium will have left my body and I full expect a good drop in weight.

Despite the gain, I'm still focused and determined today. I feel strong and healthy again. I'm making wise food choices and that makes me feel powerful.

Thursday is going to be a gooooood day!

Monday Morning Madness

2010-06-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm fighting with myself today.

I was decently on plan over the weekend. I did indulge in one small campfire 'smore while camping but ... I'm not beating myself up over that as frankly, I'd turned down far worse through the rest of the weekend (chips & salsa, hotdogs, burgers, sodas, pancakes, peanut butter, donuts, etc. etc. etc.). Each meal was literally a struggle that I fought and won.

Here's my issue though.

I have no (zero zilch nada) patience. So, when I woke up this morning, my first thought was "Wuhoo! Three days on plan! Bet I've lost enough weight to fit into my capris". Thus, I pulled my capris off my "will wear someday soon pile" and tried to slip them on. They fit exactly like they did before. Tight. Uncomfortable. Muffin top pokin' out. Unacceptable. Ugh!

That's discouraging. Somehow, I felt that the weight needed to come off at the same rate at which I'd struggled through the weekend. Since I'd had to say no to almost EVERY ONE of my food triggers in one single weekend, it's only logical that my body would have shed more weight, right? Although not realistic, I felt that struggle in and of itself would burn those calories off my body.

As we know, that's not how it works.

So, for a gal that's motivated by results, today, I'm not feeling that motivated. The only difference I'm noticing is my grumbling tummy and with that, I'm struggling to hang on and charge forward.

A pound or two might be gone, but I have more than a pound or two to lose before I fit back in those capris. I have 22 pounds and even more than that before I'm at my final goal weight. That's a whole bunch of weekends of saying no and staying focused.

My weigh in is tomorrow. I'm nervous even though I know I did good on plan. I'm worried that if I don't see the results I think I need (god only knows what that is), I won't stick with this. And I need to stick with this.

So, today I'm reminding myself of what Letha says about staying focused and motivated.

Motivation is in the doing. It's the routine. It's the planning. And it's in the results that I know will come eventually. I need to remember that I can do this. By saying no to unhealthy foods, I'm saying yes to a better life. I would rather be thin and feel good about myself than fat and eating those greasy, sugary foods. So, this work I'm doing now, will pay off by getting me to my goal.

Today, it's all about setting a small goal and rewarding myself accordingly so that I don't focus too much on the total I have to lose and get overwhelmed. It's also about getting my stinkin' thinkin' in check so that I don't sabotage myself. I want to pass this hurdle and keep on this path. I, more than anything, want to reach goal.

Yes, more than anything, I want to lose this weight!

I don't want to admit this ...

2010-06-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

.... but my weight is up even more than I thought it was going to be.

I even thought about not admitting it on my blog and just waiting to declare my weight until I was back where I was before. Like magically none of you faithful and oh-so-smart blog readers would pick up on the fact that I'd not mentioned my current weight and my weekly weight loss totals.

Deep down though, I know that won't work. I know you all will see right through that charade and at some point call me out on it. Or at least I hope you would. This is a weight loss journal ... ya'll wanna know about weight loss! That's why you're here, right?

That's why I'm here at least.

So, with much that and after much hesitation and a zillion feelings of guilt, frusteration, and sadness, I admit publicly that my weight on Thursday was 222.8. Yes, even me, a known math hater, can do this math. My lowest was 189.7 which means I've put back on 33.1 pounds.

Ugh.

No. I mean double ugh!

I'm working hard today to not let this get me down. My guilt over letting all my fellow bloggers and readers down as well as disappointment in myself for not being perfect seems overwhelming at the moment.

I've been wallowing in the "if I would have been strong in the first place, I'd have already made it to my goal by now" pit of self-pity since I stepped off the scale. Let me tell you, that's a very hard place to reside. It's the place where food calls your name through a blow horn. It's a place that feels out of control, sad, dark, depressing, and bottomless. It's a place that I've spent a large number of my days in the past and it's one I do not want to sink too much further in now.

So, as of this moment, I'm looking on the bright side.

I recognized my backslide and knew I had the tools available to me to get out of it.
I know how to do this weight loss program thing. I know the plan and know I just need to work it like I've never worked anything in my whole entire life. I CAN do this because I have done it!
I have some kick-butt super cute clothes at home that will inspire me to get back down to my lowest AND hit my original goal. They are calling my name far louder than any darn doughnut!

It's hard to admit the reality of the situation but I'm thankful for all the afore mentioned things.

Best of all, I'm happy to have great blog friends that support and welcome me back as well as an amazing group of ladies at The Healthy Weigh that are ready to stand behind me and help me walk down this path again.

Let's hit it!

Friday Doughnut DO-NOT!

2010-06-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

Time to prep for my Friday Doughnut DO-NOT!

I think I've mentioned before that at my new job every Friday there are a smattering super tasty, fatty doughnuts just sitting on the break room table tempting me with their sugary smell and doughy sweetness. The array is amazing and I'm pretty sure even the most hardened sugar-hater would be tempted by the spread. I'm not a sugar lover and yet, because I can't have them, I want them even more.

I would completely avoid the break room on Friday's but the water thingy is in there and I must go in to refill my water bottle. That means that multiple times in the day, I'll be practicing my doughnut DO-NOT!

The last couple weeks, I've given in whether just a "few" bites or a whole doughnut. Yes, I know and hate to admit it but even the threat of a gall bladder attack hasn't dissuaded me ... hence why I'm back up in my numbers and facing surgery.

Moving forward though and on a more positive note, when I make it through this Friday without indulging, I'll be rewarding myself with a manicure. The reward of a manicure and spiffy nails might just be enough to keep me from going into the sugary darkness and instead stay focused on the light of weight loss.

In addition to looking forward to some serious reward pampering, I'm also prepping myself mentally so that when I need to say "no" tomorrow, I can do it without any hesitation.

My chant has become "Doughnut DO-NOT!" and I'm shouting it in my own head over and over and over today. Thus, I know, tomorrow I WILL succeed!

DOUGHNUT DO-NOT!!!!

Gall Bladders, Stretch Marks, and Weight Loss

2010-06-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

I wish someone would have shaken my shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and told me exactly what was going to happen to my body as I got older and fatter. I don't even remember a doctor being honest with me other than to say that I was "overweight" and should do "something" about that and blah blah blah diabetes blah blah blah fat blah blah blah exercise.

Ok so perhaps doctors might have said a thing or two now and then. To be honest, I didn't go to the doc because I didn't want to hear what they had to say about my weight. The times I did go were uncomfortable so eventually I just stopped going.

I liked to live my life in a big bubble of peace and pizza.

Outside of the doctors office though, I think that as a society we tippy-toe around overweight people because we don't want them to feel even worse about themselves. While I agree that there's no reason to degrade, insult, or treat them with disrespect, I don't think we need to cater to their addiction. Are we, as a society, making being fat too acceptable and comfortable?

If life would have been more uncomfortable for me, would I have made changes sooner?

I don't know. I'd like to think I would have although, now that I'm writing this, I'm somewhat changing my mind.

As a fat girl, life was uncomfortable. I was embarrassed each time I shopped at Lane Bryant. Each time someone asked me where I got my shirt, I wanted to cringe because I didn't want them to know I shopped at the "fat store". I didn't fit in airplane seats, car seats, or any seats for that matter. Yeah, that was uncomfortable physically because my butt cheeks just wouldn't or couldn't squeeze together enough to fit in the seat but also uncomfortable mentally because it was a poke in my peace pizza bubble. Being told I couldn't join the mounted search and rescue horse group because I couldn't get up and down off my horse ... yeah ... uncomfortable. Life wasn't good. It was hard.

I just didn't let it sink in how hard or uncomfortable it as and that all that hardness ... all that uncomfortable-ness ... that was all brought on by my addiction. It wasn't Boeing's fault for designing seats for skinny peeps. It wasn't the mounted patrol captain being a jerk that kept me from the group. It was me. My weight. My actions. And my inability to control my own addiction.

There are marks on my body that are reminders of my past head-in-the-hole-ness. I have a lot of weight stretch marks. They are reminders of the choice I made to be fat and now that choice I'm making to be healthy.

Next week I'll have gall bladder surgery which will leave me with a series of small scars (very small) that will be additional weight war wounds.

I'm not sure how to deal with these marks and scars yet. Part of me is annoyed with myself for ever even getting to the point of having them and that's the part that wants to revert back to blaming everyone else for them.

"If someone would have told me I'd have stretch marks and need gall bladder surgery, I would have dieted way sooner."

Hmm... ok so I'm pretty sure I heard it at some point, somewhere, somehow and I'm pretty sure it was my choice to disregard that information whilst cramming more food into my mouth.

The other part of me is thankful for the reminders of where I've come from. I'm using them to remind me to make wise choices. These are small warnings and I'm thankful that my risky eating behavior didn't leave me with far worse issues especially considering my family history of heart disease and diabetes. Stretch marks and gall bladder attacks pale in comparison to the worse case scenario.

These small reminders might be unsightly, but I'll take them. They tell the story of who I was and who I won't be ever again.

2 Months of Inactivity

2010-06-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Here I am, dipping my toe back into the weight loss waters after 2-months of inactivity.

Well, ok, truthfully, there's been activity, just not in the right direction. I'm back up more than I'd like to admit and for whatever reason, I can not get my silly brain to commit and get 'er done! I've analyzed, phsychoanalyzed, discussed, pondered, journaled, thunk, complained, and just generally petered about on the topic for the last 2 months and I still can't solve the problem.

So, it's time for all of that afore mentioned nonsense to quit and for action to start.

My weekly weigh ins will start again on Thursday. My diet starts today though. I've carefully packed my lunch. Planned out my salad dinner. And am ready to start this again.

I want to be fit and trim this summer. I want to feel healthy, in control, and positive about my life. I want to fit into my cute clothes and feel good in them. I want to be proud of who I am again and feel confident when I walk into a room.

I had a lot of guilt about putting some poundage back on but I will not let that stop me from charging forward. I know how to do this and now I will.

Guilt be gone!

And with it, the pounds are welcome to exit the body as well.

Off we go .....

Coffee Obsession

2010-04-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

I used to stop at Starbucks every morning. Routinely. Every day. I'd order a grande mocha and a pumpkin scone. When pumpkin spice lattes were in season, that was my drug of choice.

These days, Starbucks still has a hold on my heart not because I'm addicted to the fatty drinks and sugary treats, but because I'm generally in desperate need of my caffeine fix. I've given up so much for my diet and don't regret any of those changes ... but coffee is one thing I know I'll never be able to pass up. It's a necessity. I live in the Northwest, it's my form of Vitamin C. It's a staple.

Going to Starbucks has been an issue as of late though. Those tastey sugary treats beckon me from behind the counter and it's been hard for me to shut off their call. I've even given in a time or two and that just can't happen if I want to get this weight off.

There is only one type of coffee that I can make at home that even comes close to the awesomeness of a Starbucks. It's Moose Munch by Harry & David. It's got the right aroma and flavor to not only satisfy my coffee addiction but set my mind at ease thinking I've just "treated" myself. And what a nice treat ... no calories!

I hope to be able to venture back into Starbucks eventually. I like coffee shops. They feel comfortable to me and I want to be able to go there and stay true to myself. In the meantime though, I'm happy to have a substitute that meets my mental and physical needs. As my friend Darcy said, hooray for Harry & David Moose Munch!

Happy Friday everyone!

Becoming a Food Snob

2010-04-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

When I visit with Nancy at The Healthy Weigh, the one thing I truly appreciate about her is her love and understanding of food. Not just any food though. She has it out for truly fine food.

She can describe something as simple as cottage cheese in such a way that it makes my mouth water and my brain do back flips as I think about the creamy goodness that is that protein.

One thing she said that resonated strongly with me was that I needed to become a food snob. Basically, instead of just eating to eat, I needed to plan and truly enjoy my food. Take the extra time to try different food combos, play with spices, enjoy the tastes of the food I'm downing instead of just shoveling it in my face. Pick out the ripest apples, the most juicy grapefruit, the best chicken breast and then savor it as I take it in.

I think we all need to be reminded of this now and then. Although we know we need to slow down and enjoy the food, do we really take the time to do it?

This week I'm on a mission to convert myself into a food snob. The shopping trip tonight will kick things off and this coming week I vow to myself that I'll take time to enjoy the food I'm eating. After all, as a reduced calorie dieter, I don't get a lot of food! So I need to make it all count.

Here's to a great Easter weekend!

Hunger Pains

2010-03-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Being hungry, like the kind of hungry where you're sitting in a meeting and your stomach starts growling kinda hungry, is truthfully a pain. I can understand why they are called "hunger pains".

I'm a complete goober about being hungry. It's all psychological but for some reason, when I'm hungry, I panic. I've never gone without food so the fact that I panic is a bit ... um ... ridiculous. The panic is all consuming. It has gotten so bad in the past that I've roved the halls, peeking in offices for spare candy and treats. Also in the past, I'd give into the panic when it turned to the craving phase. As soon as I'd identify a crave food, I'd give in and have to have it immediately. I was like a vicious dog with a bone. Stay outta my way, clear a path, OR ELSE!

These days I'm trying instead to deal with the hunger and address it before it gets to the panicked dog state.

I find that water is a huge help. When those hunger pains kick in, I down as much water as I possibly can to fill up my stomach. When I'm fully waterlogged, I know there's no way I could fit a morsel of food inside me and can instead start to deal with the psychological reasons I was hungry. The downside to the water intake ... lots and lots of trips to the restroom. I'm not sure which is worse in the middle of a meeting, hunger pains or raising my hand to ask for restroom permission. Regardless, it's healthier physically so I'll put up with the mental anguish of the multiple restroom mad dashes.

The longer I'm on a reduced calorie diet, the easier it gets. I get fewer hunger attacks and cravings and the plan really is easier to follow. It's just a matter of sticking it out when the going gets tough.

The minute I give into the craving, I start back at square one. The hunger comes back, the routine starts over, and I beat myself up for losing ground.

I'm bound and determined today that no matter what I need to do to stick this out, I'll do it. I'm not giving into the hunger pains or allowing them to throw me of track.

With that, another 40 oz is ready to vacate my body and thus I'm off for another restroom break.

Happy dieting!

The Decision to Try

2010-03-30T07:56:00.002-07:00

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

When I look at my weight loss goal, I get overwhelmed easily. 50 pounds is a lot to lose and it comes off so slowly.

I start to think about that goal and I lose patience. I start to think of how much I need to get through in order to reach that goal ... how many donuts and gummy worms I'll pass up .... how many glasses of wine I'll turn down .... how many nights I'll go to bed with a rumbly in my tumbly.

All of those negative thoughts flood through my head and the weight loss task seems daunting and insurmountable. Seeing it in that light, I sometimes don't even want to start the process and my thought for the day goes from "I can do this!" to "Shoot, this is too hard so I'll just tackle this whole weight loss thing tomorrow."

If I break the process down into a daily goal, it becomes much more manageable. I'll just start with the decision to try for today.

Today I am deciding to eat well. Just today. Just this moment. Right now. I will drive past the Starbucks without stopping. I will stick with my food plan today. I will jog at lunch. I will live this day as a dieter and count it successful when, at the end of the day, I've stayed true to my morning decision.

That's reasonable.

Every accomplishment starts with a decision to try.

Each day I can recommit to this weight loss and see it through if I start out my day by making that decision and literally biting off a manageable chunk of my goal.

So this morning, the decision has been made. I'm not dwelling on the donuts and gummy worms or thinking through the weekend. I'm focused on today and staying on point and on plan.

That's doable.

Adding up the "extras"

2010-03-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have a tendency to add "extras" to my food plan and then just kinda sorta forget to add them to my food journal. I think every dieter is guilty of this to some degree although I think the truly successful dieters account for each and every calorie they consume.

I'm attempting to be more honest with myself about these calories. Since I'm on a strict 1250 calorie per day plan, technically, every single calorie counts.

That bite of donut isn't devoid of calories (as much as I might try to will it to be that way). That unmeasured dose of salad dressing is probably more than 40 calories in and of itself. Those couple of bites of cottage cheese from the container really do have calories too. And yes, even the hard candies I sneak from a coworkers candy jar have more than a few calories hidden in their sugary sweetness.

Adding all those calories together can add up quickly. Sauces, sugary candies, dressing, extra bites, little tastes, etc. Shockingly, they all have calories. A 1250 calorie diet could quickly turn into a 1500 calorie diet and therefore cut into my weekly weight loss goals.

It takes 3500 calories to lose and gain a pound. That means I need to expend 3500 more calories than I take in in order to lose.

Not too long ago my trainer had me row until I lost 7 calories. I was amazed at how hard it was to work off 7 calories. I mean, seriously? How hard did I need to sweat to beat those buggers outta me? That just seems so ironic. If I remember correctly, it was about 2 minutes of really hard rowing. 2 mins. For 7 measly calories!!!!

That kinda made me re-evaluate that extra tablespoon of salad dressing with 20 extra calories. 20 calories is 4 mins of back breaking, arm pulling, stinky sweating hard work. No thank you!

Given that, I'm rededicating myself to accounting for all my calories ... big and small. A calorie is a calorie and every single one is either helping or hurting me in reaching my goal.

Easy come, easy go .... easy come back on

2010-03-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else get as annoyed as I do by the weight loss ads on TV, billboards, and the internet? They make weight loss appear so easy. Show a pic of a chubby gal in a bikini, she takes a pill, and suddenly she transforms (by magic of course) into a beautiful bikini model with abs of steel.

Yeah ... right.

If it were that easy to lose weight, everyone everywhere would be skinny with abs of steel. We would never ever have to worry about our weight again. Ever again. Skinny and happy for life! Yeah!

Newsflash, there is no easy way to lose weight and keep it off. Those of us (like all of us even the skinny minnies) that struggle with our weight will be fighting this fight the rest of our lives. Sure, it will get easier, but it will be a fight nonetheless. We will always need to watch our calories, maintain portion control, and ensure that we're making wise food choices.

That, my friends, is reality.

So why do so many buy into the falsity of the ads? In my opinion, they are looking for the easy and quick way out. After all, it was so easy to put the weight on in the first place. Surely it should be easy to take it off. Right? That seems only fair.

However, if it were easy to take off, would they learn their lesson about making wise choices to begin with? Easy come, easy go .... easy come back on.

I was emailing with a friend yesterday that's also struggling with her weight loss. She's put some weight back on and that's been as hard for her as it has been for me. In writing her back, I said the following:

The truth is, that had I not had this backslide, I never would have appreciated how far I'd already come and how far I still need to go. Instead of getting down on myself about it, I'm viewing this as a lesson I needed to learn. I needed to know how badly it felt to put on tight jeans again. How icky I felt when my shirts didn't look good on me anymore. How even just standing in my closet in the morning and trying to find something to wear can set me down the wrong path for the day. All of this helped me truly understand that nothing I eat can even come close to the long term feeling that I get from being healthy and making wise food choices.

I think that's true about losing weight as well. Through the struggle to lose, we find value in our results. Winning the battle - whether a small victory over a donut temptation or a large victory like hitting goal - gives us pride and a sense of accomplishment which we need in order to maintain our focus.

I'm happy to do this the "natural" way. I eat foods that I can pick up at any grocery store anytime, anywhere. I'm actually learning about nutrition and that will serve me for the rest of my life. I don't hide behind pre-packaged meals. I face the real world grocery stores and restaurants and still make wise choices.

I'm happy to say no to "magic" pills and instead put that money toward my rewards. Spending $50-$100/month on pills that don't offer me a long term solution pales in comparison to a scoring a cute (and much smaller sized) top that will showcase my progress.

Oddly, I can say I'm happy to struggle too because at the end of the day, when I've been successful and on plan, waged the war against all the temptation and come away a victor, I feel strong and empowered because I accomplished my daily goal while facing the world head-on.

That, to me, is priceless.

It's been a week ...

2010-03-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a doozey of a week.

I must admit that I wasn't as great as I'd planned to be over last weekend. I got busy, failed to plan, and thus, planned to fail. I indulged a little more than I needed and that hit me hard in the form of feeling run down and getting a cold for a couple days. Today is the first day that I feel like a humanoid and am thus refocused and back on target.

By my home scale, I'm not up and that's good news. I didn't make it into THW this week because of the cold but plan to be back on Tuesday for another weigh in where I will know for sure what the damage is.

I'm now looking ahead and gearing up for a better weekend. TS and I went grocery shopping and the fridge is now restocked and ready with fresh fruits and veggies, good healthy chicken for the BBQ, etc. I even managed to make some pumpkin custard which is one of my fav on plan foods!

I'm mentally preping too. Here are some things I need to remember this weekend.

1) BRING FOOD WITH ME! No matter what I'm doing, bring an apple or yogurt or something to snack on. When I don't have food with me and I get hungry, I make poor choices. Poor choices lead to more poor choices. I'm going to break that routine this weekend.

2) I DO NOT NEED TO EAT BAD TO "TREAT" MYSELF! I used to do that a lot and it turns out old habits die hard. When I feel icky or get stressed, I wanna eat. But this weekend, when I want to treat myself, I'm going to think of other things to do like brush a horse, take a bath, or call a friend.

3) I CAN DO THIS! I believe that statement wholeheartedly and plan to repeat it to myself over and over and over and over so that I can continue to set myself up for success.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

A Pound and a Stone

2010-03-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

My friend Holly has a wonderful idea and I'm going to copy her.

On her bathroom counter, she placed a jar filled with those little glass stones you get from the craft store. She placed a stone in for each pound she wants to lose to get to goal. For every pound she loses, she removes a stone. Her husband, being the supportive man he is, suggested that when she's up (as if that would happen, right?), she should put the stone in her shoe. That way, each time she takes a step, she'll be reminded of her goal.

What a great concept.

I love visual inspiration. When I see changes occurring, it keeps me motivated and moving forward. So seeing the stones in my jar go down, would be encouraging to me.

I also liked the stone in the shoe idea. What better way to be reminded of your goal and associate PAIN with the food than by actually inflicting some discomfort? The glass stones are rounded and wouldn't hurt but they would be uncomfortable and annoying. Just like added weight to our bodies is uncomfortable and annoying!

I'm headed to the craft store today to pick up my stones and am anxious to remove my first seven from the jar. I was down another pound today which put me at 7 pounds total weight loss for the week. I'll take it!!! That's 7 pounds closer to my goal and not too shabby for my first week back on plan!

Now, onto the weekend. I'm staying focused so that I can have another great loss next week.

The "Tight" Jeans

2010-03-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

As I've said before, there's something motivating about too-tight jeans. I've recently found that not only are they good motivation when pulled out and an attempted "stuffing" takes place but they are also highly motivating when - once the stuffing is complete - they are worn through an entire day.

First of all, there's a large amount of exercise that takes place while I jump up and down, stuff, pull, prod, persuade, sweet talk, and finagle the too-tight jeans over my thighs and eventually closed around my belly. Generally at some point in this debacle I break out in a sweat. Sweating is good for weight loss.

Secondly, while wearing the too-tight jeans, I can't eat too much at one time. I take a bite of an apple and that's about all I can fit in me without unbuttoning the pants. So ... I eat my food slowly and spread it out throughout the day. This tidbit is also really good for weight loss.

In addition, while wearing the too-tight jeans, I'm consistently reminded of why I'm dieting in the first place and thus, my cravings decrease. Granted, the reminder comes in the form of a severe pain around my belly as the buttons dig into my gut and cut off my air supply ... but ... hey .... such is the sacrifice of a dieter.

I used to throw clothes that didn't fit into the back of the closet in an attempt to hide them from myself. I didn't want to be reminded of how fat I was. Plus, by not seeing them, I simply had to schedule a shopping trip because I had "nothing to wear"! This was my double-edged dealing technique and one that got me to 300 pounds.

This time around though, that's not going to happen. I want to be reminded of where I was and where I want to go to. I want to my goal to be staring me in the face (or slamming into my gut as the case may be) consistently so that I'm on target to complete this journey.

So this morning while I was doing the jean-dance, I kept thinking of how cool it will be to again be able to slide them on without the sweating, cussing, and arguing. Those days are on the horizon.

Motivation is in the doing

2010-03-16T08:33:00.001-07:00

When it comes to weight loss, I don't know that there has ever been a more true statement.

I visited THW today and was down 6.1 pounds since Thursday. I'll take it! That loss is the motivation I need to stay on track. Amazing how yesterday was a struggle and today is a breeze. Well, ok, not a breeze but it's certainly easier to combat the little cravings when I know that I'm losing.

Knowing the pounds are coming off is enough to keep me from looking longingly at donuts, bakery cases, and fatty lattes.

I'm instead focused on fitting back into my jeans and being comfortable in my clothes.

Awww, those were the days ... and if I continue down this track ... those days will be back sooner rather than later. Next thing you know, my clothes will be BAGGY! Awww ... instead of looking longingly at the donuts, I'm looking longingly at the clothes in my closet, thinking of how it'll feel to fit in them again, and being inspired by those things.

As Letha says, nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

Today, I soooooooo agree.

Donuts and Successful Dieting

2010-03-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

I will count today as a success when I can make it through the day and not give into my desire for a jelly donut.

Today, that is my battle.

I was 100% on plan yesterday and that felt awesome. Today it's harder. I'm hungry. My stomach is actually growling and, each time I fill up my water bottle in hopes of staving off the hunger pains, I must pass the mound of donuts.

I think my belly is having a conversation with the donuts because the rumblings increase to a deafening crescendo when I get within a certain distance of the table. Yeah. Embarrassing.

So today, if I can escape the discourse of my belly and the donuts and stay on plan, I will count this day as a success. I know that if I resist today, next Friday will be easier. And the Friday after that will be even easier still. Giving in just once a couple weeks ago has made today a battle.

It's one I have every intention of winning though. I've made a commitment to be on this plan and lose this weight. I said no last night to things far more enticing than donuts and I know today I can turn away empty calories.

I just need to do it.

Today will be a successful day.

The Reality of the Situation

2010-03-11T13:59:00.001-08:00

I so don't want to write this post. In fact, I've been debating how I could write it without really writing it and thus not owning up to my "up"-dated numbers.

Perhaps I could just tell you all I'm "up just a little" and be done with it. Like somehow if I don't admit to the number on my blog it won't be real. It would just be a bump in the road and you all wouldn't have to know just how far I've slipped.

The thing is though, that the more I thought about hiding the weight gain, the more I felt like the old Wendy. The 300lb Wendy that hid from people and didn't like to go out in public. The Wendy that didn't like herself very much. The Wendy that wouldn't face the numbers on the scale back in the beginning.

The more I thought about hiding the updated number, the more I felt I was slipping backwards. I felt that if I didn't admit the weight gain here, I would further let myself down and perpetuate the problem.

So, with that (drum roll please) ....

My new reality is that I'm back up to 213.8.

My goal remains the same. I'd like to be 157 which means I have a total of 56 pounds to lose. That's approximately 28 weeks as I plan to lose 2ish pounds a week. That means I'll be done with this in approximately 7 months. Finishing this in 7 months puts me at goal sometime in October.

October.

Oh boy. That seems like forever away for me. I just worked that all through just now and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.

Must. Re. Focus.

My dad used to always say that time will go by regardless of if we're reaching towards our goals. So, the truth is that it will be Oct. sooner or later regardless of whether or not I'm at my goal weight. How crappy would I feel if Oct. arrived and I still wasn't at goal? Now, how good would I feel it Oct. came and I was at goal?

Ok, better.

In some respects, I'm happy I've relapsed. I don't know that at 300 pounds I would have been able to stop this cycle. I wouldn't have understood how much better it felt to be 187 or even 167. I do now. I get it. And I want it again. I want to be skinny and happy and healthy. I've had a taste and I so prefer that life to the one that I had before. I will not go back.

Slipping Away

2010-03-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

I have bad news to report. I've slipped. I've slipped even after I recommitted. I've slipped so far that my loose jeans are no longer loose and are, in sad fact, very tight.

This realization came to light this morning when I stumbled upon a pair of jeans I had forgotten about, tucked back in the back of my jeans drawer. I had tucked them there because they were getting too big and I could barely hold them up anymore but they weren't to the point of me getting rid of them just yet primarily because I'd paid good money for them and just couldn't face donating them just yet. So, they strayed to the back of the jean drawer and were forgotten about. Finding them was an inspiration this morning. Thinking those would be "just the jeans" for the day I was having, I pulled them out and tried to slip them on.

Well, let me tell you, there was no slipping happening. It was instead a lot of shoving, pulling, twisting, breath-holding, and cussing (yes, I admit a few choice words leaked out) as I tried to finagle the returned rolls back into the supposed comfy, too-big, jeans.

Once the jeans were successfully latched and I'd wiped the sweat from my brow (I swear it was more of a workout to get the jeans on than it was at the gym the previous night) I turned to face the mirror. Oh boy. Talk about muffin-top. I know that's not a nice term, but it applied in this instance. The rolls were way more prominent once smooched into a pair of now too-tight jeans and I literally spilled over the top of them. It was not pretty.

Standing there looking at the mirror and fully recognizing my rolls return made me feel defeated. My immediate thought was "How could I be losing this battle when I thought I'd come so far. I should just give up completely."

Upon that thought, I wanted to eat. And there's the cycle. Hello old friend. Nice to see you again.

I stopped myself this morning though. I took Letha's advice and followed that cycle through in m mind. Here's what would happen: I'd take off the jeans, toss them in the trash (cause it's all their fault!), then proceed to pig out on some scrumptious morsel. After I'd stuffed my face, I'd sit on the couch and feel icky. I'd feel icky about my body because of the rolls I'd just added to the other rolly friends and I'd feel icky about my psyche because I couldn't resist the temptation to splurge again. I'd continue to feel icky through the rest of the day and that feeling would continue to drive me to eat which would in turn perpetuate the cycle yet again. Sooner or later, I'd be over 300 pounds again.

I soooooo don't want to take it that far in reality. I want to win this battle.

It's somewhat ironic that tomorrow I have an appointment with Letha at THW. This appointment was set up sometime last week and seems quite perfectly timed. Last week she contacted me to do some website updates and this was the soonest we could connect. Ironic .. or is it?

Part of my problem is that I've stopped weighing in twice a week at THW and I think for me that accountability is key to staying on plan. It's so easy to make excuses when no one is looking at my weight but me. I can always "eat better tomorrow" or "start my diet later". But can I? No. I obviously can't right now and thus need assistance from others way better at this stuff than me!

I am really scared to face the scale tomorrow. I have no doubt I've put on 10 - 15 pounds. I might even have put on 20 which would mean I'm now 50 pounds to my goal weight. That sucks. A lot.

I refuse to let that stop me from going tomorrow though and so I will trudge into the meeting prepared for some bad news about my current state of affairs all the while knowing that since I've set my mind on doing this, I will do it.

I'm on the hunt for continued motivation and personal strength. I have a touch of it back today and plan to add to it tomorrow.

I feel I've said this before but it feels different today so I'm repeating it over and over to boost my resolve.

I will do this.

I am doing this.

I will win this.

I am winning this.

The "D" Word

2010-01-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

What is it about the word diet that incites cravings?

Each time I tell myself I'm on a diet, the cravings kick in full force. I even crave things I don't normally like! My body goes into instant starvation mode and suddenly everything, anything, and anytime I'm battling some kind of silly weight loss battle.

I am, in fact, in a craving mode right now. Currently the vending machine is calling to me.

The funny thing is that treats in said machine aren't really that great tasting. They've been sitting in the machine for years ... literally. I slipped up awhile ago and splurged on a payday. I opened it expecting sweet and salty chocolately goodness and instead got almost-turned-white chocolate crumbly badness. Upon inspection I learned that the bar had expired two years ago. Yes, veeeeeeeeery disappointing but I still nibbled on the peanuts 'cause, well, I didn't want to waste the money, right?

As I sit here and relate my craving to you, it seems so silly. I mean, I know that what I'm grabbing from the machine will not taste good not only because likely it's expired but because it will not satisfy my overall craving. After I'm done consuming it, I'll feel worse about myself for having given in. I will feel weak, helpless, and powerless.

I also know that if I stay strong through the craving, eventually, they will all go away or at least become more manageable. Each time I say "no", I'm exercising my will power muscle and eventually it will be strong enough to stamp down any craving before it gets me carried away.

In this moment though, my will power muscle is weak and I'm close to floundering.

I think to get through this I'm going to need to do some sit ups, a few push ups and after that, while I eat my apple, I'll think about why I'm on this journey. All of this instead of focusing on what I can't have.

As Letha says, "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". And she's sooooo right!

Numbers Update

2010-01-28T09:33:00.001-08:00

Just a quick note today as the day has already started to get away from me and I need to try and catch it before it slips further from my grasp.

I weighed in this morning and was down 2+ pounds. Excellent news! And the perfect shot in the arm I needed to continue down the weight loss path.

Knowing I was down 2+ pounds actually helped me turn down the scones at Starbucks and stick instead with my skinny latte.

It's amazing how the brain works. It's so hard to get the motivation to lose but once the weight starts coming off, that is incentive enough to stay on the path.

Anyway, I'm jazzed to be losing again and proud of myself for making it 100% on plan for two whole days.

I can't wait to see what good news Tuesday's weigh-in will bring!

The Boy is in the HOUSE!

2010-01-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Living with someone sure does change the diet situation.

TS and I both want to lose weight and we've been working on it together off and on. The thing is, I've been using him as an excuse to eat badly. He eats pizza, I eat pizza. He eats ice cream, I eat ice cream. He eats a burger ... hmmm ... yeah, you get where this is going.

Now I'm not blaming him for my poor eating habits of late. I fully recognize that it's me that's making the choice to eat those things. He's not holding a gun to my head and even if he were, I'd still have a choice. It is however a pretty darn good excuse when I happen to be looking for one.

When I lived alone, I had no off-plan foods in my house. I didn't buy extra melba snacks, almonds, trail mix, bread, etc. My house was filled with only healthy things. That eliminated a lot of my snacking tendencies because there wasn't anything around to snack on. Now that I'm living with someone that does some of the grocery shopping, that's changed a little bit. He still buys healthy things, but he buys things that aren't on plan. Like trail mix. With M&Ms. And cashews. Trail mix. Yummmmmmmmy.

Whereas before the food called to me only when I was at the grocery store and on a mission (read that as easier to say no to), now it's calling to me while I'm sitting on the couch, alone, bored, watching tv, nothing else to do but get up and stuff my face.

TS is a snacker too, like me. So when he's home and tired, his first response is to get up and get a snack. He'll sit on the couch next to me and munch ... and, like a considerate boyfriend, he offers to share by sticking said yummy treats directly under my nose and close to my quivering lips.

Again though, I know I'm an adult and can resist the temptations. I know that, and yet, I don't.

I mean, I didn't.

I am now.

Right now I'm focused on breaking the routines. Instead of sitting on the couch and watching from the corner of my eye while he munches, I get up and do sit ups to resist the urge to snack. I down a bunch of water so that I can't fit one more thing inside. So far, it's working but I realize this is a battle I'll need to continue to fight as I reach my goal. He doesn't need to diet when I do. That's not fair to him and it's not in my backpack to force him to change.

I can, however, force myself to change and that's where my focus is these days.

As an aside ...

2010-01-26T10:34:00.001-08:00

This came through today from NPR and I found it an interesting and quick read.

Perhaps we should be exercising the "willpower" brain muscle more often!

NPR: Willpower and the 'Slacker' Brain

Let's Roll

2010-01-26T09:22:00.000-08:00

Why is it that picking back up the dieting thing is harder than it was to start in the first place?

When I started out, I wasn't exactly giddy about the diet thing ... but I was committed. I had made a decision and cut myself off from any other possibility. It was a done deal. No if's and's or but's about it.

But lately, ok for like months, that's not been the case. And this sad fact was reflected back at me on the scale this morning when I trudged my butt back into The Healthy Weigh to get back on plan. I'm up to 204.

Yes, that's right, I'm out of one-derland.

I knew when I went in this morning that I'd be up quite a bit. I haven't been dedicated to staying on plan and even though my gall bladder has been screaming at me to stick with it and stay healthy, my brain has been screaming louder and obviously sometimes it's winning out.

So pizza, cake, pie, beer, wine, candy, etc. etc. etc. have all reappeared back into my life.

It's such a silly cycle and I recognize it each time it's about to start. I crave something. I tell myself no. I crave it more. I keep saying no. My brain throws an intense tantrum and in the end I give in. After giving in though, I feel worse. I feel like a failure. I feel fat. I feel worthless.

So why can't I seem to remember all those things and just stick with my no?

Because I was making a choice not to. For whatever reason, I've not wanted to follow through on this journey.

That's changing today and is reflected in my decision to step back on the scale.

Going into The Healthy Weigh and facing the scale was a hard thing. I've been psyching myself up about it for about a week. A lot of self-talk has gone on so that I could calm my nerves and walk through those doors. I knew the scale would be up and I was prepared to tackle whatever number appeared.

I'm choosing not to view this as a failure or a set back but a continuation of the journey. Thank goodness I'm catching my backslide now instead of 20, 10, or even 2 pounds from now.

I'm returning to the core of the program and what was successful for me when I started. I'm back to blogging, writing down my food, working out (including daily walks), and recommitting to this journey.

When I blogged faithfully, it helped me stay on track. I was accountable and I need that in order to stay focused so I'm counting on all of you to help me along. The support and encouragement I get from the blog is amazingly helpful and I so appreciate you all for that.

So, I'm looking forward to reconnecting with all my blogging buddies again and booting off this weight along with you.

Recommitting is hard, but it can be tremendously rewarding when it's successful. Nothing good ever came easy, right?

So ... are you ready to roll again with me?

Here we go!

The Gall of the Gallbladder

2009-12-18T10:05:00.001-08:00

My silly gallbladder has decided to start acting up. What I didn't know about the gallbladder is that when people lose a large amount of weight over a quick period of time, they are more likely to develop gallstones which, if passed, can be extremely painful. Think of going through childbirth and having a few kidney stones at the same time ... or so I've been told.

What do I know for sure is that when I'm in the middle of a gallbladder attack, I'm in horrendous pain. I'm literally writhing around on the ground in tears. That's saying something because ... well .. I'm a cowgirl and cowgirls are generally tough! Not so much so when the gallbladder kicks into gear.

I've had a couple doctors appointments and hope to get to the bottom of this soon. Most likely a small surgery will be in my future. It's a very routine procedure now days so I'm not too worried about it.

The ironic part to me is that when I was eating badly, I didn't have gallbladder issues. In fact, my doctor told me that to avoid future attacks I should eat a lowfat diet immediately but ... um ... really .... yeah ... already doing that so that helpful little tidbit hasn't been so helpful.

Regardless, these are things I wish I would have known when I was on my way up to being heavy. I wonder if someone had told me all the health complications I was going to or could encounter because of my weight if I would have made better choices ages ago. Would I have changed my behavior had I known that I'd have gallbladder issues eventually? Or have stretchmarks that would never go away? Or how about if I knew I'd have flabby skin on my arms no matter how much I worked out?

Hmmm... who knows.

For now I'm not getting caught up in the negatives of these things and instead embracing them as reminders of how far I've come.

Yeah so my gallbladder isn't something I'm completely embracing yet (let's wait until the pain goes away) and the flabby arms thing is still under consideration as well.

But these are all gentle reminders that had I not made the life changes I did when I did ... well ... things would have been way worse than what they are now.

Weightlifting and Weight Loss

2009-12-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

So my wish for the first pound off by Thursday didn't materialize but that's ok ... it will happen. I have faith!

I was actually up three pounds yesterday from Tuesday. How is that possible? Inquiring minds wanna know! I'm equating it to water retention since I was 100% on plan Tuesday and Wednesday. I have been drinking more because of the record setting cold and dry weather here. I've been craving water. I can't seem to drink enough of the stuff and I think my body has been storing some of it "just in case". It's the only explanation I can come up with so I'm holding onto it to keep me sane and focused.

I feel better physically when I make wise food choices and I'm remembering that as I pass by the office break room filled with "special" holiday treats.

My workouts are going good too. Last night I pushed myself farther and harder and set a new personal best in my weightlifting. I was able to do a 115# clean and jerk (c&j) for 5 reps. Pretty darn cool! See below for an example of a c&j.

I'm finding that weightlifting is very much a mental game. Much like weight loss actually. If I allow my brain to utter one teeny tiny negative thought before I attempt the maneuver, the likelihood of me completing is goes down significantly. In fact, last night I was psyching myself out over the last three of my c&j's. I started getting into the rut of "I can't" and "I'm going to hurt myself" and "I'll never be able to do these perfectly".

As soon as I made those comments to myself, they became reality. I tried four times to get the last three of my c&j's but couldn't even make it to the clean (bringing the bar to my chest). My trainer suggested I go down in weight but as she started to pull of weight, I stopped her. I knew that if I went down in weight, I'd be disappointed when I walked out of the gym. I'd feel like a failure and my negative self-talk would have won out.

I only had three more of these darn things to do! I could do it. And I needed to focus, buckle down, and make it happen.

And I did.

I walked out of the gym feeling so successful. Like I'd just won something super duper cool or something. I did in fact win something super duper cool ... self-confidence.

That's a great feeling.

That's how I'm going to feel when I accomplish my weight loss goal too and that's inspiring.

I'm drawing inspiration from my win in the gym last night and focusing on the fact that if I stick with this then my determination will see me through to the end.

Starting Again

2009-12-02T13:06:00.000-08:00

Time for me to get real, my blogging buddies. I put my weight loss on hold for awhile and let life carry me away.

But, I'm happy to report that even though I wasn't losing, I also wasn't gaining. I went from 189.2 a few weeks ago to 189.3 this morning. I'll take that!

Today I'm once again back on the dieting thing which I'm finding is even harder the second time around.

The first time I committed to this was filled with excitement and anticipation but this time it's twinged with dread at knowing what's ahead of me. No more beer, no more wine, no more cheese, no more extra starch (darn melbas!). Instead my food life will be filled with more calorie counting, saying no, and fighting with myself over silly food related issues.

I'm also finding that this go-round is filled with even more temptation. Whereas before I didn't really recognize the McDonald's signs going down the road and donuts in the break room, this time they beckon to me from across the building and across town. Seriously, I've developed a "donut sense" and now can recognize instantly when a donut enters my building.

I attribute this to the fact that during my hiatus I opened the door to the kitchen (and my stomach) a crack by shaking hands with a pizza slice or two and kissing on a bit of ice cream once or twice. That was enough to let the french fries and donuts know that I was available for the taking and believe me, they are not taking no for an answer!

So, as you can see, I'm working hard to change my thinking right now. If I can buckle down and not buckle under this pressure, I'll succeed. I know that when I see that next pound melt away I'll be even more motivated but in the meantime, I must stay focused and committed.

Today I'm congratulating myself on not gaining and am now focused on drinking water to fill my grumbling belly and engaging my mind to fill my grumbling brain.

30 pounds left to go until I'm at my goal. That's reasonable, doable, and within reach so I'm going to reach out and grab it.

Today, I'm raising my hand. Tomorrow I'll take a step forward and each day I'll progress until I've reached the end of my journey.

A Gummy Situation

2009-11-04T09:34:00.001-08:00

I've become a bit of a gum connoisseur. Frankly, some might call me a gum snob but connoisseur sounds so much more appealing so let's go with that instead.

Much like a wine connoisseur, a gum connoisseur knows which brands taste the best, hold their flavor the longest, and how to avoid something that's aged past it's prime.

I prefer to pick up my gum at gas stations. For some reason, I've found that they have the freshest and widest selection of flavors. The best gas station to hit happens to be right on my way to work in the mornings and I've been known to stop in there on more than one occasion to load up on packs to get me through the week.

As I've been losing weight, gum has been a staple in my purse. It's what I reach for when my brain starts thinking of sugar or carbs or whatever else might pass through unexpectedly. So, I keep about four or five packs of gum in my purse ~ all in different flavors.

I've found that spearmint and bubble gum are my favorites when I'm craving comfort food like pizza and mac and cheese. When I was kid, these were the two flavors my grandma had at her house and it was a "treat" to get them so it's pretty easy to trick my little brain into thinking it's getting "treated" to comfort food when really it's just sugarless bubble gum. Oh the things we tell ourselves, right?

I love how many different flavors of gum there are though. Extra has some amazing combos out there that can cure most any sweet tooth craving. My personal fav is island cooler. It's like a tropical smoothie with only 5 calories. Seriously, can you beat that?

My staple is Trident White in purple. It holds great flavor for the longest amount of time and I also feel special when I chew it 'cause I think I'm whitening my teeth (yeah, again, amazing what we tell ourselves, isn't it?).

And, if you didn't know, gum does go bad. Even sugarless gum gets hard and icky so when I go to purchase gum, I always give the pieces a squeeze test to make sure that they are pliable.

I know this might all seem a bit over the top, but hey, if it helps hold off one craving, I'm going to keep chugging ahead.

Plus, I've only made it half way through the gum racks at my gas station so there's gum chewing work to be done! I've made it my mission to try all the available flavors and brands so that I can truly own the gum connoisseur title.

Turning It Around - Starting With the Tapes

2009-11-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

I recognize when I'm saying negative things to myself which, in and of itself, I need to congratulate myself for. I mean, I didn't even know that I practiced negative self talk back in the day. I knew I wasn't happy with myself, but I couldn't tell you why or what I was saying to myself to reinforce that negativity.

These days, I do recognize it. I know just as soon as the negative thought enters my head. I'm more aware. I also know what I need to do to turn it around and not let it overwhelm and throw me off track.

But, as we all know, knowing and doing are two very different things.

These last couple days I'm finding that it's easier and easier to identify the behavior and yet harder and harder to turn it around.

I don't know what makes the difference from one day to the next and why sometimes it's so hard to make a decision and cut yourself off from any other possibilities. It just is.

I'm ready and willing to commit to pulling through this last little bit and therefore have to get my head in order. So I'm starting with the negative self talk.

As soon as I recognize a negative thought, instead of letting it reside in my brain, I'm going to offer up a positive thought about myself instead.

So it will work something like this.

Thought: "I will never finish this and lose the rest of this weight."
Response: "I will absolutely lose this weight and I will be happier person because I've accomplished my goal."

Thought: "I am not worth the effort it takes to see this through."
Response: "I am worth the effort it takes to be happy, healthy, and content. Therefore, I'm worth this effort."

Thought: "I've already lost 120 and am still not happy with myself. I then know that I won't be happy with myself even after another 30 pounds."
Response: "I do feel different after 120 pounds. I'm more confident, secure, and happier. I know that another 30 pounds will only add to that confidence, security and happiness."

So, you get the idea. I need to say these things out loud to myself when the negativity starts to creep in.

If I can start by combating the negative self-talk, then I think I might have a chance of turning this thing around.

Crossfit Challenge - Am I crazy?

2009-10-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm all about the attempted motivation these days. Where do I find it? How do I keep going? How do I challenge myself to complete the journey?

One of the things I've really taken solace in is my crossfit workouts. I love them. Oh, boy. That was strong terminology.

Truthfully I hate them but I love them all at the same time. It's hard to get to the class and it's even harder to complete the workouts. But, what I love and why I keep doing it, is that I am seeing changes in my body shape and I'm actually getting better and better at the various activities.

Keeping all of this in mind, when my trainer suggested I participate in a Crossfit Challenge ... (please be sitting down for this next little announcement) .... I actually accepted!

Shocking.

Shocking because I would never ever ever (ever ever) have walked into any kind of gym at 300 pounds let alone agreed to participate in a challenge with a lot of people I didn't know. Really? Me? Be sweaty and potentially unable to complete an exercise in front of others? Really? No freakin' way. I liked to hide. I did it well.

Yet here I am all signed up with the check successfully in the mail to get me confirmed. I'm doing it.

I'm on a mission. I'm on a mission to work my little (or soon to be little) hinny off so that I can do well at this challenge. I have no expectation that I'll win but I'd like at the very least not to embarrass the begeezers outta myself in front of oodles of other crossfitters.

I am setting the expectation that I'll be doing my own personal best that day. No matter the activity, I'll give it 110% and I'll come away from the challenge feeling fit, strong, and accomplished.

With that, it's time to hit the gym!