Monday, May 26, 2014

Pictures speak the words I don't want them to.

Yesterday my parents visited the farm and brought my nieces over for some horse time.  Although I always appreciate horse time, I do not appreciate that my parents are photographers and therefore like to document each and every single moment regardless of what I might look like that day.  This morning I was not-so-nicely greeted with a few tagged Facebook notifications of picture posting.  

A few years ago, when I was losing and feeling great about myself, I would have waited anxiously for those pics to be posted.  I would have quietly monitored my email and been so excited to see myself.  I wasn't narcissistic ... that was just a way for me to start to process the new me and most of the time I would see a pic and need to do a double take because I didn't think it was really me.

Now those pics are a reminder of how far I've slipped.  I see my pudgy belly in all it's glory hanging out over my jeans and wonder where in the world I went wrong.  What's happened to me?  Where is my motivation?  What in the world will it take for me to once and for all make this a priority and just finish it already?  I see myself as I've always seen myself.  Fat.  Pudgy.  Overweight.  Uncomfortable.  Dissatisfied.  Frumpy.

So how do I get back to where I want to be?

I don't know the answer.

I know that when I do figure that out though, I will have figured out this whole weight loss thing for life.  I will have a gold star for sure!

I don't even know where to start, to be honest.  I have a new life (marriage is awesome!) that I love and yet I just can't seem to piece this together.  It plagues me.

There are a huge number of things that "should" motivate the begeezers outta me. 
  1. I want to be healthy for my family so that I can be more active with them.
  2. I want to be slimmer so my summer isn't so sweaty and miserable.
  3. I want to be thinner so that I can ride my horse easier and eliminate back pain.
  4. I want to be healthier so that if I get pregnant (here's hoping), I have an easier pregnancy.
  5. I want to prioritize my health so that my step-girls see what healthy living is like.
  6. I want to be sexy and athletic for my husband.
  7. I want to open my closet and have options again.
But these things motivate me for short bursts of time.  Like an hour.   And then I'm off and running thinking of things like pizza and breakfast burritos and Taco Bell and how hard and busy life has gotten and how much I deserve to just eat whatever I want just this one time or how stressed I am and how much I just need one teeny tiny glass of wine to relax my soul.  

What in the world is up with that?  Is the temporary treat really worth the guilt and muffin top that comes eventually?  Not so much.

I know I need to focus on my goals, surround myself in any and all ways with them, and not allow anything to get in my way.

So, just how in the world do I do that?