I'm 15 weeks away from my wedding. It feels surreal. I always wanted to be married but finding the right guy, making all the pieces line up, and feeling like I was actually worthy of being happy eluded me. Don't get me wrong, I dated. I searched. But I just never really thought it was attainable for me. That's a whole different blog post though!
So here I am 15 weeks to go and I'm entering into panic weight loss mode. I know this is the trite story every bride has. They want to lose weight for their wedding so they look their best at the big event. But, for me, it's more than that.
My wedding day is the start of my life with my wonderful partner. Not only does the superficial side of me want to look good in my pictures, but the emotional side wants to present my best self to the man I'm going to be with from here on out. I want to show him and to me that I am a woman that commits and accomplishes her goals.
The good news (and also the hard news) is that he'd take me exactly how I am today. He loves me completely and finds me beautiful even with a few extra (ok, more than a few) pounds. That's stopped me in the past because I've thought if he's happy, why shouldn't I be? But it's not about that anymore. It's about accomplishing a task I set out to do 4 years ago. It's about getting to my goal and building a life from there.
A good friend saw recently that I was struggling with my loss and she suggested I visualize what I wanted to look like on the big day. I melted. Literally. I had this overwhelming fear that even if I was at my goal weight, I still wouldn't be pretty enough or good enough or whatever enough to be married.
That was a huge realization. Knowing that subconsciously I didn't think I was ever going to be skinny enough to have the life I want ... I mean, really?!?! How incredibly sad!
That thought process has hindered my loss. It's bombarded me in the back of my mind with ideas of cheese sticks, pizza, burgers, and wine. It's sabotaged my healthy habits by suggesting I eat a little more, workout a little less, and just generally give up on myself.
It's ok though. I'm onto it. I've clued in and am fighting a battle like no other battle. I will not let this detour me any longer.
So, I'm back to blogging. I have a goal to lose 40 lbs in 15 weeks. Doable? Sure. But I need to keep this goal in front of me every day, minute, hour, second and I'm never more aware than when I'm accountable.
Here I go again. It reminds of me of the quote that says something like - it's not how many times you fall that matter but how many times you got back up. I'm back up. I'm doing this. You ready?