Motivation is that little thing that gets ya going in the morning. It's the voice in the back of your head that tells you you're doing this and you're doing it well. It's the thing that drives you forward and gives you a reason to push through the hard times. It's the thing that rules the brain when a task is at hand.
My motivation seems to have disappeared. Like literally, I checked this morning and nope ... it's gone. Motivation has left the building! Cheesy I know but that's kinda what went through my head this morning as my feet hit the floor, my tummy was rumbling and I was already thinking of how this day would go.
Motivation used to come to me based on the goal I had in mind. It came with the goal of getting my bum back in the saddle without needing a bench, stump, or stool. Or it was because I wanted to buy the smaller size jeans that were cute and I'd never been able to fit into before. Or, and you'll love this one, the goal was to lose weight so that a man would want me (yeah, see the flawed thinking in that one?!?!). All of that motivated me to stick to my plan and not sway no matter the temptation.
This time around, my goal is just a number. I want to be 157. I want that number. But really, what in the world does that mean??? Can I even begin to picture my life at that goal weight? No. I can't remember a time in my life when I weighed that. I'm sure I did at least for an hour or two until the pizza called to me, but I don't remember it. So it's really hard to picture myself actually getting there. And, truthfully, why would I want to be there? What in the world is so great about losing weight?????
I guess the answer is I don't know but I do owe it to myself to find out. I don't think it's like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I'll have happiness for ever after. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll be hard when I reach goal. Hard because I'll then need to maintain it and live there. That sounds really difficult! But I do want to find that out.
I want to find a motivation that propels me forward for myself. I don't want to do this to find a man (that turns my stomach right now). I want to do this because I want to do it for me. I want to accomplish this and prove to myself that I'm worth this change.
For the first time in my weight loss journey I'm truly seeing this as MY journey. It's not about a man or pleasing others. It's about me doing this for me in the time that's right for me. That's a hard thing to accept but as I'm typing this, I'm finding it is my motivation. I need to prove this to myself. This is about me accomplishing something I've set out to do. It's not about the time it took. It's about reaching the finish line.
I'm pretty certain that with all the hard soul work I've done over the last couple of years, when I reach my goal, I'll stay there. I have no doubts about that. I'm ready for that challenge because I think I'm primed and ready to tackle it.
For now though, my motivation needs to be me. I need to do this for me. I will do this for me.
Hello motivation! You were lurking in the corners of my brain this whole time and it turns out I just needed to pound a keyboard, process through my thinking, and find you.