Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Time to Come Back

I've often thought of picking back up this blog again but each time that thought enters my brain I get this sick to my stomach kinda feeling.  Where do I start?  What do I say?  What do I share now that hasn't already been shared?  Do I really go back to the place I was before?  Do I post my current struggles?  Do I admit in public where I'm at right now?

I guess the truth is that I'm only accountable to myself and somehow this blog helped me keep that front and center.  There was value for me here.  It was my thought clearing house.  It was the place I poured my soul into and somehow that came back to me to hold me accountable and clear the gunk from my brain.  The stuff I wrote wasn't fluff.  It was my life.

Then it started to get real.  I mean like you guys that read this are real and I met a few of you. No longer was I writing to myself to vocalize what was happening and keep myself accountable.  I was writing to people with faces that struggled too.  And then I thought, can I still be real if these are real people I'm talking to?  Doesn't that mean I have to be perfect?  They don't want to see me go up and down and up and down and ... they want to see me succeed.  Therefore, I thought, I can't post my struggles.  I can only post my victories.  And that's when it started getting hard.

There's no such thing as perfection and although I realize that conceptually, it's hard to remember when I go to put pen to paper, or, um, finger to keyboard.  I want to be perfect.  I'm just not cause there's really no such thing.  Perfection is a tough thing.  The more you chase it, the further away it seems.  Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It's always beyond your reach.  So, because I can't get it, I give up.

Here's the deal though, this blog isn't about perfection.  It's about my journey.  My life is up and down.  It's not perfect.  It's hard.  It's a struggle.  I've made mistakes that I'm dealing with.  I've struggled with my weight, my self worth, and more.

The key ... I'm still fighting.

It's somewhat ironic that my last post was about victims vs survivors.  I so do not want to be a victim but I find myself getting pulled back into that mentally occasionally especially when life gets hard.  The poor me scenario.  It's a struggle to pull myself out of that thinking and admittedly, I've been stuck in it for about 3 months.  I don't want to be here though.  I want to learn from this, move on and get what I want out of life.

I haven't slipped too far but I'm back to 217 which is higher than I'd like to be and admittedly it's not my goal.  I mean, of course it's not my goal!  I am still dreaming of reaching that 157 mark.  It's elusive and right now I'm struggling because I think of myself as a failure for not having reached it in the 2 years I've been trying.

That thinking has to change.  It's not about how fast I do this.  It's about keeping at it.  I'm doing things I've never done before like prepping to climb a mountain this spring, running half marathons and 10k's (and kinda liking it ... sometimes!), and trying to find the things I'm passionate about and that fill me up.

I'm also dealing with hard things like a job I'm not happy with, friends that are struggling, some financial issues, and depression. These things are life happening.  They are outside of my direct control.

So I guess by writing this blog I'm telling myself I'm going to come back to my core.  I'm going to try to focus on the things I can control.  I'm going to bite (sorry for the pun) off the things I can chew right now (like tackling my weight again) and let the other things sort themselves out.  When I do those things, that's when success and happiness come back into my life.

I'm so ready for those things.


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