Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What's it look like?

I was pondering today on my walk what I'll look like when I get to goal.  I can't even fathom it.  I've been overweight my entire adult life.  Picturing myself skinny is like asking me to picture air.  It's tough. 

Will my dimples stand out more?  Will my small features (nose and ears primarily) not be as lost on my face?  Will my upper body match my lower body?  What size will I wear?  Will I still be considered muscley?

What I do know is that I'll feel great.  I was remembering today how awesome it used to feel when I'd slip into that pair of jeans that was the next size down.  And, literally, I would slip into them instead of stuffing into them like I do now.  I was thinking of how awesome it was to see overweight pics of myself do comparisons to where I was. 

Those were things that kept me going.  I'm finding them again slowly but surely.  I've been on plan since I started writing this blog again and am feeling wonderful.  My energy is coming back up, my weight is dropping (2lbs on my home scale) and I'm starting to feel again how it felt to be on top of my life.

I don't know what I'll look like but whatever happens, I can't wait to find out!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

I either worked on my goal today ... or I didn't

I like a page on Facebook called I Love to Run.  They post positive quotes, sayings, stories, etc all about running and motivation.  It's a GREAT page.  At the end of everyday, they'll post their quote: "You either ran today or you didn't".

The first time that showed up in my newsfeed it made me stop and think.  Hmmm ... I either ran today or I didn't.  It just so happened I hadn't so of course my first reaction was shame and kind of a bit of disappointment in myself.  That's a bummer and certainly not the best approach to motivation!

So I thought, why not flip that around.  What if when I wake up in the morning and right when my eyes pop open I say to myself:  "I'm either working on my goal today or I'm not".  That felt better because it was something that was ahead of me.  I still had a decision to make. 

But wait. 

That's a step in the right direction but is it right? I mean it's positive and all but with the addition or "or I'm not", I'm giving myself an out.  The thing about a decision is that once it's made, I should be cutting myself off from any other possibility. There shouldn't be an "I'm not" option.  Right?

So I tweaked it again.  "Today, I'm working on my goal."

Having pondered all of this last night, I woke up and literally the first thing that came into my mind was "Today I'm working on my goal".  Let me tell ya, that's a powerful first thought!  Instead of thinking of all the things I had to do today, or how much I'd rather stay in bed or how much snow we had last night (YES! SNOW!!!!! Ick), I thought of my goal. 

That's been motivating me all day.  I suppose I could start the day saying that to myself and even repeating it out loud and then perhaps at night saying "I either worked on my goal today or I didn't" but the truth again is that I don't want there to be an "I didn't".  I know life happens, but this is a stage in my life.  In this stage, I can make wise food choices and propel myself to my weight loss goals.  I'm not giving up pizza forever ... just until I lose the weight.

I can do that.

Motivation is powerful as is self talk.  Today, I'm finding my motivation in the words I'm speaking and thinking to myself. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Where Oh Where Has My Motivation Gone???

Motivation is that little thing that gets ya going in the morning.  It's the voice in the back of your head that tells you you're doing this and you're doing it well.  It's the thing that drives you forward and gives you a reason to push through the hard times.  It's the thing that rules the brain when a task is at hand.

My motivation seems to have disappeared.  Like literally, I checked this morning and nope ... it's gone.  Motivation has left the building!  Cheesy I know but that's kinda what went through my head this morning as my feet hit the floor, my tummy was rumbling and I was already thinking of how this day would go.

Motivation used to come to me based on the goal I had in mind.  It came with the goal of getting my bum back in the saddle without needing a bench, stump, or stool.  Or it was because I wanted to buy the smaller size jeans that were cute and I'd never been able to fit into before.  Or, and you'll love this one, the goal was to lose weight so that a man would want me (yeah, see the flawed thinking in that one?!?!).  All of that motivated me to stick to my plan and not sway no matter the temptation.

This time around, my goal is just a number.  I want to be 157.  I want that number.  But really, what in the world does that mean???  Can I even begin to picture my life at that goal weight?  No. I can't remember a time in my life when I weighed that.  I'm sure I did at least for an hour or two until the pizza called to me, but I don't remember it.  So it's really hard to picture myself actually getting there.  And, truthfully, why would I want to be there?  What in the world is so great about losing weight?????

I guess the answer is I don't know but I do owe it to myself to find out.  I don't think it's like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I'll have happiness for ever after.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll be hard when I reach goal.  Hard because I'll then need to maintain it and live there.  That sounds really difficult!  But I do want to find that out. 

I want to find a motivation that propels me forward for myself.  I don't want to do this to find a man (that turns my stomach right now).  I want to do this because I want to do it for me.  I want to accomplish this and prove to myself that I'm worth this change.  

For the first time in my weight loss journey I'm truly seeing this as MY journey.  It's not about a man or pleasing others.  It's about me doing this for me in the time that's right for me.  That's a hard thing to accept but as I'm typing this, I'm finding it is my motivation.  I need to prove this to myself.  This is about me accomplishing something I've set out to do.  It's not about the time it took.  It's about reaching the finish line. 

I'm pretty certain that with all the hard soul work I've done over the last couple of years, when I reach my goal, I'll stay there.  I have no doubts about that.  I'm ready for that challenge because I think I'm primed and ready to tackle it.

For now though, my motivation needs to be me.  I need to do this for me.  I will do this for me.

Hello motivation!  You were lurking in the corners of my brain this whole time and it turns out I just needed to pound a keyboard, process through my thinking, and find you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Time to Come Back

I've often thought of picking back up this blog again but each time that thought enters my brain I get this sick to my stomach kinda feeling.  Where do I start?  What do I say?  What do I share now that hasn't already been shared?  Do I really go back to the place I was before?  Do I post my current struggles?  Do I admit in public where I'm at right now?

I guess the truth is that I'm only accountable to myself and somehow this blog helped me keep that front and center.  There was value for me here.  It was my thought clearing house.  It was the place I poured my soul into and somehow that came back to me to hold me accountable and clear the gunk from my brain.  The stuff I wrote wasn't fluff.  It was my life.

Then it started to get real.  I mean like you guys that read this are real and I met a few of you. No longer was I writing to myself to vocalize what was happening and keep myself accountable.  I was writing to people with faces that struggled too.  And then I thought, can I still be real if these are real people I'm talking to?  Doesn't that mean I have to be perfect?  They don't want to see me go up and down and up and down and ... they want to see me succeed.  Therefore, I thought, I can't post my struggles.  I can only post my victories.  And that's when it started getting hard.

There's no such thing as perfection and although I realize that conceptually, it's hard to remember when I go to put pen to paper, or, um, finger to keyboard.  I want to be perfect.  I'm just not cause there's really no such thing.  Perfection is a tough thing.  The more you chase it, the further away it seems.  Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It's always beyond your reach.  So, because I can't get it, I give up.

Here's the deal though, this blog isn't about perfection.  It's about my journey.  My life is up and down.  It's not perfect.  It's hard.  It's a struggle.  I've made mistakes that I'm dealing with.  I've struggled with my weight, my self worth, and more.

The key ... I'm still fighting.

It's somewhat ironic that my last post was about victims vs survivors.  I so do not want to be a victim but I find myself getting pulled back into that mentally occasionally especially when life gets hard.  The poor me scenario.  It's a struggle to pull myself out of that thinking and admittedly, I've been stuck in it for about 3 months.  I don't want to be here though.  I want to learn from this, move on and get what I want out of life.

I haven't slipped too far but I'm back to 217 which is higher than I'd like to be and admittedly it's not my goal.  I mean, of course it's not my goal!  I am still dreaming of reaching that 157 mark.  It's elusive and right now I'm struggling because I think of myself as a failure for not having reached it in the 2 years I've been trying.

That thinking has to change.  It's not about how fast I do this.  It's about keeping at it.  I'm doing things I've never done before like prepping to climb a mountain this spring, running half marathons and 10k's (and kinda liking it ... sometimes!), and trying to find the things I'm passionate about and that fill me up.

I'm also dealing with hard things like a job I'm not happy with, friends that are struggling, some financial issues, and depression. These things are life happening.  They are outside of my direct control.

So I guess by writing this blog I'm telling myself I'm going to come back to my core.  I'm going to try to focus on the things I can control.  I'm going to bite (sorry for the pun) off the things I can chew right now (like tackling my weight again) and let the other things sort themselves out.  When I do those things, that's when success and happiness come back into my life.

I'm so ready for those things.