Friday, January 28, 2011

Only the Lonely

The weekend is coming and I'm ready to tackle it. I'm on the cusp of new numbers and I really want to hit them on Tuesday which means that my focus and determination need to hit new levels this weekend.

This, typically, has been my stopping point. It's the point where I start to feel better about myself and then give into the pressures of outside influences and go off plan. I refuse to let that happen to me again. I love feeling in control and when I give into the poor eating habits, I feel out of control.

I spent another night in my space, alone, but not lonely last night. Being alone in my space still sends shudders of fear through me which is so odd because before I met TS, I was alone. I realized though, as I was talking with my very patient sister last night, that in the past I dealt with that lonely feeling by downing food. I'd have a night at home and instantly think reward night and therefore PIZZA NIGHT! Now that I'm not downing my emotions in food, I'm left to process through the loneliness and fear that brings out in me. Suddenly it's up to me to stay focused and on plan. I don't have anyone to blame for my choices. It's all me. Consciously, I see that as a positive, but subconsciously that's pretty darn scary too.

I'm in process of changing my thinking about this whole thing. How can I be in a healthy relationship if I'm not happy with myself? Shouldn't my own company be enough to see me through an evening? I am responsible for and to myself. I therefore need to be able to be in my own space with my thoughts and see that as a positive thing.

I'm happy to report that last night I took yet another step in the right direction. I didn't die of boredom. I didn't eat the entire house. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I actually went to bed feeling pretty darn good and refreshed. My house was clean, my horses were well taken care of, and my pups had a good run in the yard. I prepared a gorgeous meal which I ate at my dinner table with fancy dishes and cloth napkins. As I looked out the window that showcases the valley, I got to appreciate an amazingly beautiful pink and yellow sunset. As the sun went down, I thought about all the positive things that could come from being alone with my thoughts. Closure, healing and power were just a few of the things that came to mind. The rest of the night, I put those positive things into action instead of getting caught up in negative self talk and by the time I hit the pillows, I was feeling like a complete human being.

All in all, it was a very successful night and I think I might maybe kinda sorta be looking forward to my next alone night to repeat my self-nurturing practices.

1 comment:

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