Monday, January 31, 2011

Ready for a new week

Wow, week 2 of being 100% on plan and I'm kicking some serious booty on my weight loss! At home, my scale says I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm not sure what the scale will say at THW tomorrow but I'm ready for whatever the numbers might be.

My clothes are fitting better. I have oodles more energy. And I'm feeling so positive about life and my decisions these days. That's worth more to me than what the scale might say. Although ... ok to be honest, I'm hoping the numbers really are good tomorrow because that would mean new numbers and a drop into new numbers would mean I've pushed past the wall that I've hit head first in past weight loss attempts. It's the wall I've hit, fell into, and then given up.

I don't feel a shred of that this time though. I'm charging forward and making wise choices.

Saturday was probably the most tempting day I've had in ages. I had a volunteer training which led into an afternoon of horse riding. I knew I'd be there all day so I packed a lunch and planned for success. In our volunteer meeting, we shared the room with the smell of pulled pork which was ruminating in a crock pot for lunch. Pulled pork, BBQ sauce, rolls (ugh!), lasagna (double ugh!) and rice crispy treats (triple ugh!) all accosted me throughout the day and just beckoned me to indulge.

At the end of the volunteer session, I couldn't get out of there fast enough! My rumbling tummy was just about to give into the allure of the temptations and I needed to exit before I did something I'd regret. I grabbed a spoon and darted off to my trailer where I threw myself into my yogurt and cottage cheese with more fever than I've felt in ages! Staying on plan felt great.

That evening a few friends and I went to see a movie. Awwww ... the movie theater. I used to go to the dollar store in advance of the theater where I'd stock up on chocolate candy and gummy worms. Armed with those goodies, once at the theater, I'd buy popcorn and a soda. I again was planning for success this time though. I tucked an apple in my purse and once at the theater bought a big bottled water.

As I watched the movie with my friends, munched on my apple, and listened to them smack on buttery popcorn, I was amazed at how awesome I felt not indulging. I went to bed Saturday night feeling energized and successful instead of bloated and greasy. That's an awesome feeling and one I'm so thankful to experience.

I'm not 100% sure what the scale will show tomorrow but no matter what it says, I'm going to feel great about the successes I've had thus far.

Taking control of my life is priceless. Food is not controlling me and I'm feeling powerful.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Only the Lonely

The weekend is coming and I'm ready to tackle it. I'm on the cusp of new numbers and I really want to hit them on Tuesday which means that my focus and determination need to hit new levels this weekend.

This, typically, has been my stopping point. It's the point where I start to feel better about myself and then give into the pressures of outside influences and go off plan. I refuse to let that happen to me again. I love feeling in control and when I give into the poor eating habits, I feel out of control.

I spent another night in my space, alone, but not lonely last night. Being alone in my space still sends shudders of fear through me which is so odd because before I met TS, I was alone. I realized though, as I was talking with my very patient sister last night, that in the past I dealt with that lonely feeling by downing food. I'd have a night at home and instantly think reward night and therefore PIZZA NIGHT! Now that I'm not downing my emotions in food, I'm left to process through the loneliness and fear that brings out in me. Suddenly it's up to me to stay focused and on plan. I don't have anyone to blame for my choices. It's all me. Consciously, I see that as a positive, but subconsciously that's pretty darn scary too.

I'm in process of changing my thinking about this whole thing. How can I be in a healthy relationship if I'm not happy with myself? Shouldn't my own company be enough to see me through an evening? I am responsible for and to myself. I therefore need to be able to be in my own space with my thoughts and see that as a positive thing.

I'm happy to report that last night I took yet another step in the right direction. I didn't die of boredom. I didn't eat the entire house. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I actually went to bed feeling pretty darn good and refreshed. My house was clean, my horses were well taken care of, and my pups had a good run in the yard. I prepared a gorgeous meal which I ate at my dinner table with fancy dishes and cloth napkins. As I looked out the window that showcases the valley, I got to appreciate an amazingly beautiful pink and yellow sunset. As the sun went down, I thought about all the positive things that could come from being alone with my thoughts. Closure, healing and power were just a few of the things that came to mind. The rest of the night, I put those positive things into action instead of getting caught up in negative self talk and by the time I hit the pillows, I was feeling like a complete human being.

All in all, it was a very successful night and I think I might maybe kinda sorta be looking forward to my next alone night to repeat my self-nurturing practices.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Saw a Demon - Won the battle

Last night was my first rough night since being back on plan.

Nothing drastic happened but I was tired both emotionally and mentally and I let my old tapes and demons vie for my attention.

Yes, I'd had a great weigh in ... but I kept beating myself up for being back up in weight anyway and thus needing to even lose those 10.6 pounds. Couple that with the fact that in past challenges or weight loss times, I'd "cheated" the night after my weigh ins. Nothing too big but even an extra starch can throw my weight off and in so doing, that would generally set off even further off plan choices. The thinking of "I'll fix this tomorrow and I'll still be down on Tuesday" would rear up in front of me and I'd embrace it wholeheartedly. Well, I'd embrace it until Tuesday rolled around and then I'd proceed to beat myself up because I'd be saying "Man, if only I'd stayed 100% on plan, I might be down another pound.". Amazing what those things do to our weight loss progress, huh? That thinking is the path of destruction and failure. I've been down it many times.

Anyway, last night I was confronted with all of that as I went out to dinner with a friend. We visited Pita Pit which, if you haven't been there, I'd highly suggest. They have a great salad option. Only go if you're feeling strong though. They also have feta, olives, salad dressing, chips, and cookies that reach out and tug at your stomach.

All those old tapes started playing "just a little bit of feta won't hurt" or "really? would one cookie kill you?". I battled with myself all through the salad line. I think I even had a bit of sweat on my brow as I passed up the feta cheese. But, in the end, I came out victorious.

As hard as it is to say no in the moment, it's such a relief in the long run. I went home feeling satisfied, happy, content, and powerful for having confronted an old demon and for winning the fight.

Instead of going to the cupboard for additional food to cure my guilt over having gone off plan in the first place (another past behavior), I cuddled up on the couch with my pups and read a great self-help book (Single - The art of being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent). I went to bed feeling strong, confident, and on top of my life and choices. I felt in control instead of out of control and weak. That's an amazing difference.

I know he'll show up again. Demons don't take no for an answer very easily. But next time he shows up, he'll not be as strong and I'll win the battle a little easier.

I love this feeling and it's far more powerful than the feeling of regret I've had on other Wednesday mornings.

You know, I think, just maybe this whole diet thing might be sinking in and working! Love it!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Results of Week 1

Week 1 back on plan and the results are in ... 10.something (perhaps .6 it was all a blur of excitement) lost in one week. Wooooooooooot!!!!!! I love that.

There was so much weight lost today in the noon challenge that the results were staggering. I was so inspired and in awe of people that are truly committing to this process and in so doing were shedding pounds like it was going outta style. And ... it was going outta style! Being fat isn't stylish, it's icky. We're not gonna be fat for much longer.

I faced many interesting challenges my first week back on plan. It's been a doozy from a relationship standpoint but oddly enough, eating on plan and taking care of myself has made those things manageable. I faced them, dealt with them, and am moving on accordingly. My attitude has improved, I have way more energy, and I'm just all around a happier person. This is the me I like and am happy to see again.

As an aside, I'm also proud that I spent my first day "alone" while on plan. I was so worried that without someone around to keep me occupied, I'd get lonely and would therefore stuff my face ... but you know what? That didn't happen. In fact, I used that day as a "me" day and had a blast. I had an amazing horse ride in the morning and then I came home and spent time prepping my food for the week. I baked pumpkin custard, thai chicken, and packaged up my lunches for the week. I followed that up with an awesome bubble bath and a good book. It was a wonderfully relaxing day that was exactly what I needed to start off a new week.

The mind plays such tricks on us, doesn't it? The trick is not to let it. I'm proud that I didn't let my mind interfere with my process for the week and in so doing was successful on my diet. Here's to another week with even more success!

I mean, what if I stayed 100% on plan this week too??? How much could I lose by Tuesday? What is my body able to do? I don't know the answer but I'm about to find out ....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Happy Pill

Somewhere, somehow, I've downed a happy pill and it has me rah rah rah-ing enough to even annoy myself!

Have you noticed that there's a big difference between trying to convince yourself you're happy but not really taking it in and actually believing it and projecting it accordingly? When I believe it, I soak it in. It seeps into my bones and it then radiates from my pours.

I have no doubt that when I'm in the groove, I'm the most annoying person to be around ... ever. I make wise food choices, I make wise personal choices, and I unwilling to let others influence my choices ... that and most of the time, I'm singin' a little tune, dancin' a little jig, and bursting forth with happiness. I'll admit that's hard for some to handle but I'll also admit that I'm ok with that.

I'm finding myself these days and the me I'm discovering finds pleasure in making wise choices. I went to bed with a very teeny tiny rumbling in my tummy last night. This would have sent me to the kitchen immediately but as I slipped off to sleep last night, I thought "wow, I can control this behavior". That's powerful.

When I first started on plan, waaaaay back in the day, I remember these feelings. I wasn't afraid of a little hunger. I wasn't afraid that the hunger would mean I was unsatisfied or somehow LESS of a person. I'm not exactly sure where I picked up that belief along the way, but it's a false belief and frankly, most of the time when I felt "hungry" it wasn't hunger I was really feeling! It was cravings or feelings I was trying to stuff. Therein lies the difference.

I'm not saying that I expect life to be roses and sun from now on, but I do know that as I hold onto my positive attitude and confidence, I'll be able to face whatever is coming my way.

I went to a horse conference on endurance riding over the weekend and boy did that motivated me! I see breeches in my future and a fat girl should NOT ever wear breeches. They are more revealing than stretch pants. Not good.

So, armed with my goal of an endurance ride in March-ish, I'm still energized and on plan. I passed up M&M's, burgers at Red Robin, doughnuts, and more and each time I said "no" ... I knew I was saying "yes" to me future.

Here's to the future that's fast approaching. I can rock this and I am. Finally. I'm in the groooooove! I'm so excited for my weigh in on Tuesday. I see a BIG drop in my future!

Starting to Repair

I've been taking time to really get some things in order and repair, move on, and process. I've been hit left, and right, and squarely in the middle with a few things I've had to deal with in order to make this year the best year it could possibly be. So, having said that, I've processed and am back and progressing.

I signed up on with the Winter Team Challenge at THW and in so doing am feeling that passion, excitement, and energy I had when I was first losing weight. I've never been this "on plan" and feel the weight melting off of me as I type this. I have so much focus that it's annoying even me!

My teammate is as dedicated as I am and I know this challenge is ours to win ... whether we take home the grand prize is irrelevant. We will win by staying focused and seeing this through. So, that's the plan. To be on plan, to drop the weight, and live my life as I once was doing.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting back on where I was before I entered into my relationship with TS. I was full of life, confidence, and excitement about the future. Somewhere along the way, I lost that girl and reverted back to the sad, unworthy girl. I can see the better me standing just a few feet away and she's reaching out to me. I've just about got her hand and I'm anxious to get to know her again.

In the meantime, team Slimsational is in the house! We're rockin' the challenge and are dropping weight like it's a hot potato!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New Year! New Day! New Me!

Welcome 2011! I'm a little bit behind in getting on the bandwagon but that doesn't mean I'm any less enthused to welcome in a new year which will bring new beginnings and a chance for a new me.

TS moved out on the 31st and it was quite symbolic to welcome in the new year with a fresh attitude, home, and spirit.

I've been mapping out my goals and applying my 2011 word "repair" to all areas of my life ... starting with my home.

Having my space back and wholly mine meant some changes needed to be made to make it truly MINE again. I've always felt that my home was my castle but I needed to make some physical changes to feel it was a comforting place for me again. Armed with a paint brush and paint, I transformed my living room into a peaceful, comforting haven and I love it.

I do have to say though that I find it a bit ironic that my colors are Cherry Cobbler and Chocolate Coco ... but as Letha said, "Paint it! Don't eat it!" Those are good words to live by for sure!


Last night, after the hustle and bustle of a few days of cleaning, moving, painting, and organizing, I got to truly enjoy my new space. I curled up on my couch with a few loving pups at my feet (one by my side too course), wrapped up in a blanket and enjoyed a cup of mint tea while I reflected on 2010 and in turn started prepping for 2011.

This is going to be a good year. I feel it in my bones. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can tackle this year and make it what I want it to be. I'm 34 this year and by the time I'm 35, I want to be at my goal weight, living my best life. In order to do that, I'm focusing on repairing the parts of me that are broken. Now that my home is in tiptop shape, it's time to repair my body. I'm making wise food choices and taking care of myself because time goes by quickly and I refuse to let another year pass me by as I sit on the sidelines and wish for change.

In 2011, I'm taking the bull by the horns, coming out swinging, and taking charge of my own life.

2011 is going to rock!