Monday, September 12, 2011

Victim vs Survivor

Did anyone catch the special on CBS last night regarding 9/11? It was incredible. It showed footage of the actual firefighters in the world trade centers are they scrambled to save lives. There were so many times during that documentary that I was crying. I was particularly struck by the amount of time it took these firefighters to climb the stairs. They were weighted down with 60 pounds of gear (hoses, jackets, boots, etc.) and obviously the elevators weren't working. On average, it would take them over a minute to climb just one flight of stairs. The plane crashed into the 78th floor. Wow. That's sickening and humbling.

I thought of the physical strength it would take for these guys to climb as far as they did. When the mayday went out after the first tower fell, some of the guys were on the 30-something-ish floor and had to rush down to save their own lives. I know it might seem trivial to think of myself and personalize this but I did ... cause I was thinking of how I'd feel after climbing 30-something-ish flights with 60 pounds of gear only to be told I needed to run back down or die. I know right now I wouldn't have been able to make it to the 10th floor let alone the 30th floor.

Anyway, my good friends uncle was a firefighter and he died on 9/11. He was an incredible man and I thought of him often while watching this documentary.

Yesterday's ceremonies and remembrances put a few things in perspective for me and brought up some old demons regarding purpose and worth.

When they were interviewing the firefighters that survived, I couldn't help but see a stark difference between those that bounced back and become stronger and those that allowed themselves to continue to be victims. For those that continued to be victims, I felt additional sorrow. They could have used this tragedy to make the world a better place as several others truly did (and that was VERY inspiring to see, by the way) but instead they themselves were victims of the tragedy by turning to alcohol or other things to hide their guilt at having survived. On the show, they called it survivors guilt. They came through one of the most incredible situations alive and they felt guilty for doing so. Wow.

It's amazing to me what we do to ourselves. Our self-inflected pain leaves just as much damage on our lives as the evil actions of others.

The power of our thinking is incredible and that was amazing to see in this documentary. Perhaps we haven't all lived through the tragedies these firefighters did ... but we've all lived through our own tragedies that seem just as real and painful. I guess it's up to us whether or not we'll let our thinking continue to further victimize us or if we'll rise above, come back stronger, and use our experience to change the lives of others for the better. I for one want to rise above. It's a challenge, but one I'm going to tackle one day at a time.

Anyway, if anyone wants to watch the episode, it's available here. It's sad, raw, and yet there is inspiration and introspection to be found.

9/11 Never Forgotten. Forever Grateful. Truly.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wonderful One-derland

I'm thrilled to report that I'm finally back in One-derland and it's an awesome place to be.

I've waffled (perhaps a poor choice of words) back and forth between being elated to be back in the land of the 100's and being annoyed that I ever got into the terrible 200's again.

Today though, I'm resolved to be thankful for the lessons and progress and celebrate the fact that I'm becoming the person I was always meant to be.

Lessons are learned in all phases of life and this phase has been incredibly valuable.

I'm making a public vow as of right now that I will never, ever, never, ever be in the 200's again. I'm realizing that I'm worth awesome things and that includes being healthy, happy, and fit.

I'm doing the Spring Team Challenge (TC) at The Healthy Weigh and am so excited about the next 10 weeks. The first goal in my TC journey is being below 200 again. The second goal will be getting to my lowest weight as of yet which would be 188. And, from there, I'll charge forward to my third goal which is to lose at least 30 pounds in this 10 week timeframe.

In the meantime, I'm dreaming up all sorts of awesome rewards for myself for getting below 200. It needs to be a big reward. This needs to be something I remember and can hold onto ... something tangible. Ideas are welcome!

One-derland is WONDERFUL!

Friday, April 15, 2011

I'm Learning

Today is one of those days when I didn't want to get out of bed, I wasn't thrilled to go into the office, and I had every single excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't and couldn't go on my regular walk. I was even making excuses about food and thinking up off plan options like coffee treats from Starbucks (think scones) and/or a drive through lunch.

These are the kinds of days when being on plan is even more important. These kind of days are the ones that teach me things about myself and my abilities. These days teach and I (hopefully) learn.

After much battling with myself over the whole walking thing, when finally did step out the door, my mind instantly went negative. Ugh! Rain! AGAIN (we've had rain literally 60 days straight!)! Those thoughts and my icky attitude made putting each foot in front of the other a complete struggle. My legs didn't want to move and when I glanced down at my iphone to see my pace, I was embarrassed to see a measly 15.25 MPH on the screen. I could do better. I needed to do better. I mean, why be out there in the pouring rain if I wasn't going to actually burn those icky calories???? Wouldn't that be a complete waste of this time?

So put all my energy into my steps and repeated to myself over and over "I'm learning today and I want to learn to do this right." A few minutes later I looked down at my iPhone for the current pace. 12:45 MPH. Much better!

It's amazing what our thought life can do for or against us. Today isn't over and I've found myself struggling with cravings this afternoon but I just keep going back to those words I repeated to myself on the walk. "I'm learning today and I want to learn to do this right."

It's helping me resist the doughnuts in the kitchen. I can do this. Weigh in is on Tuesday and I'm going to be below 200 but only if I stay focused.

And I will because I'm learning.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm Still Here!

I'm so thankful for Katie J ... She's the bug in my ear and reminds me when it's been awhile and I need to post. I do tend to get busy, living life, and forget to update my blogging buddies on my progress. How dare I!

The truth is that life is GREAT right now. I lost 38 pounds in the team challenge and since it ended I'm down another 4 pounds. I'm currently 200.3 and can't wait to break back through to One-der-land! It's going to happen this Tuesday. I know it!

I'm doing the Spring Team Challenge and that will help keep me honest and on target. I'm wearing all my "old" clothes again and am back to feeling like I can do this whole weight loss thing.

With 42 pounds gone, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can reach my ultimate goal. I want to be 157. That's another 43.3 pounds. I soooooo got this in me and I'm charging ahead.

For the first time in my weight loss history, I know there's a 157 pound girl in inside me. Up until now, I've doubted I could get there because I'd never been that small and really couldn't even fathom what that would feel like.

Well folks, I still don't fully understand what it will be like but I know it will feel amazing! If I feel this good at 200, how in the world will I feel when I'm at 157? I'll be confident. Secure. Accomplished. Successful. Those are words I never would have used to describe myself but I see them within my grasp as I get closer and closer to my ultimate goal.

The new team challenge kicks off next week and I'm READY! Could I lose another 38 pounds in this challenge? SURE! Why not? If I'm focused, on plan, and determined (as I am), I can accomplish anything!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tuesday Weigh In

Good news today at the weigh in. I'd hoped to lose 5 pounds this week and was down 4.8 on the scale. Wuhoo! I'm now over 30 pounds of weight lost in the last 9 weeks! I'm so happy about that! I've got another 15 to lose before I'm at my lowest and that's within my reach if I stay focused, strong, and determined.

The cravings are still there but I find that each time I get tempted with something off plan, I instead think about those clothes hanging in my closet that I've never been able to get into. Getting into them again is within my reach. It's attainable and doable to get back into those clothes and also need NEW clothes! New, smaller clothes I mean!

The team challenge finale will be next week and I'm hoping for another 5 lbs of loss by Thursday. I can do it!

I'm gearing up for the 2 week break between the challenge by already being focused on the end goal and not the "break". There is no break if I want to get to my goals. This isn't about the challenge for me. It's about the weight loss and giving myself the gift of health. That means far more than the gift of pizza!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Those Sweet Moments

There are days when dieting is hard. No, it's more than hard. It's a true battle. Those are the days when everything is a temptation and each decision to stay on plan is a discussion.

Then there are days when dieting is easy. It flows. You feel in the groove and know without a shadow of a doubt nothing that could happen would divert your path.

I'm in the groove right now. A week or so ago, I was in the battle. I have ups and downs like that and I'm not 100% sure what turns the tides from the downs to the ups and vice versa. What I do know, is that when I'm in the groove, the weight falls off. Did I happen to mention that I like the groove? It's a good place to be!

This week I'm already down 4 pounds since Tuesday and have another couple days to ensure that I hit a 5 lb weight loss next week. That's my personal goal. I'd really like for that to happen. So I'm making it happen by not diverting on my meal plan whatsoever and ensuring I'm walking or jogging at least 4 miles every day. It's happening, people, and it's a great thing!

On another note, I put on my DKNY jeans this morning. They are super cute, if I do say so myself! My butt looked great in them back in the day and you know, it looks good in them again now! I'm within 18 pounds of my lowest so technically these jeans used to be loose and now they're skin tight. It doesn't matter though. I'm wearing them today anyway because I'm celebrating the fact that I can even pull these suckers on over my hips.

Today, the groove is a powerful place to be. It's filled with confidence, freedom, and decision. I'm relishing it and going with the flow of food victories!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Updates and Apologies

Wow, it's been awhile, huh? Sorry fellow bloggers. I've been neglecting my duties! Life has just gotten crazy busy and I'm dealing with things as they come along. My apologies for not blogging sooner.

I'm down 28 something pounds since the start of the team challenge (woot woot!). Today I was up .5 because of some poor choices on Sunday night. I had to put my 19-year-old pup down on Sunday morning and that impacted me far more than I thought it would. Instead of processing (or writing in my journal) as I should have, I went to Mexican food. The salt and grease only served to further the sadness and I'm learning albeit slowly that those unwise choices don't do me any good in the long run.

As for everything else, it's chugging along. I wrote out my weight loss goals and they look as follows:

From today, I want to lose 56 pounds to hit my original goal weight of 157. If I hit 157, I will have lost completely 1/2 of who I was when I started this back in the day.

Here's how it breaks down.

56 pounds = 28 weeks (average 2 pounds per week)
Starting weight (as of today) 213.7
Ending weight 157

Ending date = September 18.

Thinking that I'll be dieting until Sept 18th isn't exactly exciting for me, but knowing that an end in sight is awesome. I'm thinking of what life was like at my lowest (189) and it was good. I can't even imagine how great it will be at 157. I think it might just be amazing. No, I'm sure it will be.

Onward, downward, and forward. That's my motivation!

I have 3 weeks left of this team challenge and I'd like to be down below 200 by the end of it. Doable, right? I say YES! Why not?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Dating Dieters

It is possible to diet and date ... Who knew? Last time I was dating I was feeling good so I was taking some liberties with my food choices. I didn't pay too much attention if I drank a beer or two, downed a bit of off plan food, or otherwise didn't stick 100% to plan. In fact, I was embarrassed to let these guys know that I was dieting because then I'd need to tell them where I'd come from. That was hard and next to impossible for me to do. When I told TS about my weight history, it was only after we'd been dating for a couple months and when I told him, I was shaking and scared thinking he'd reject me on the spot because of the old fat me I used to be. Wow.

This time around though, I'm 100% focused on my goal and that means staying 100% focused on every one of my eating choices. That's hard to do when most dates want to take you out to dinner, dancing, or some other such food temptation. It's doable though and I'm actually finding it quite liberating.

What I'm finding is that if I'm out with a guy and I don't want to tell him why I eat salad, then I guess I probably shouldn't be out with him in the first place! Not saying that my dates are all about my eating choices, but it is important for me to embrace who I was and present that to someone as the whole me.

It's been interesting to reach this point and I'm not sure where it will lead me. What I do know is that I've never been more determined and focused than I am right now. I feel like instead of hiding where I came from, I'm actually embracing it and moving past it.

This is a great adventure and I'm living it each day.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

New Numbers! Oh happy day!

Yeah, I'm a goober but I'm super excited to be in new numbers today and down 4.8 for the week. Yippeee!!!!! 5 weeks into this renewed weight loss thing and I'm down approximately 25 pounds. Sweet!

Top that little tidbit off with the fact that yesterday I jogged a whole mile without stopping, dying, hyperventilating, or feeling like I was going to vomit and I'm counting this as one of my most successful weeks in awhile!

In fact, I was super excited about the running bit and plan to make that a regular habit. I have tried it before but haven't been the best at truly committing to it. I was doing short jogs between my walking bursts but I'd like to get up to jogging a 5K race sometime this summer.

I might ... maybe ... even sign up for something to give me a goal to work toward ... GASP!

Things are changing physically and mentally and it's a good thing. I'm thankful for where I'm at right now even though I know I have further to go. I'm on the right path and that's priceless.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine Expectations

I'm anxious to see what the scale will say tomorrow. I've been on plan for the most part even though there was a minor incident last week involving Mexican food and a few chips and salsa. It was the first slip I've had since being back on plan so I didn't let it derail me too far. I ate what I ate ... and then stayed focused and on plan since then.

By my home scale I'm down another 4 pounds. The Healthy Weigh's scale generally shows a 2 pound difference so I'm hoping to at least be down 2 - 3 by tomorrow.

On another note, it's Valentine's day. What an odd feeling this is ... I'm not with someone this year to celebrate the day which I'm finding is actually a relief.

Last year I had expectations and ideas as to what this day should be and was severely disappointed when TS didn't do anything to recognize the day. What did I do? Turned to food of course!

Today, I have no expectations. In fact, I planned a fun night with a friend where we'll have a light dinner and then spend time with the horses but my only expectation of the day is that I'll be filled up emotionally by these fun activities.

It's a good day and it's a good time in my life. I'm still trying to get a handle on my head some days but it's getting easier to stay focused and take care of myself first and foremost. The eating part is getting easier and easier as I'm losing. I'm actually wearing a pair of jeans today that I'd forgotten I even owned. I pulled them out this morning and thought "hmmm.... wonder if these will fit" ... and ... they did! That feeling of success feels way better than any amount of food I might stuff in my face.

Here's to a great weight loss tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What a Weigh In!

Down another 4 pounds for a total of 19 pounds lost at the challenge. Wuhoo! I'm super excited about this and I'm finding that my clothes are fitting so much better, I have tons of more energy, and I'm feeling so much more confident.

As a reward, tonight I'm meeting a friend after work for dinner (of course on plan) and some shopping. I need to get a few new workout clothes. The pants I was wearing are getting pretty lose and I need to replace them so that I can keep up with the jogging. I do plan to be a jogger by the end of the summer and in order to do that, I need my pants to stay up! Kind of important, huh?

I was a bit disappointed that my teammate didn't make the noon challenge because she was having some car trouble. I missed her and was really looking forward to our team kicking some weight loss butt today! She'll be weighing in later though and I'm anxious to see her results.

Anyway, just a quick post today because there's a lot going on at work (shhhhh ... don't tell them I'm doing double duty!). I just wanted to share the good weight loss news!

Here's to staying strong, focused, and determined!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up

Another successful weekend in the books and I'm feelin' great!

It was an action packed weekend with food temptations around every corner.

Friday night I went with some friends to see the Professional Bull Riders (PBR). We met at a brewery and while they indulged in burgers and brews, I enjoyed a chicken salad with dressing on the side. At the event, I passed up beer and instead had a tastey diet soda. After the event, a couple of us went out for a few "drinks". Diet soda was again my drink of choice. Shockingly, I wasn't tempted. I was instead proud of my decisions.

On Saturday, I had a date (eek!) and knew that a dinner out would mean even more temptation. I was ready for it though. We went to Mexican where I passed up the chips and salsa and instead again ordered a nice big salad that I topped with spicy salsa. It was a great night even though he teased me about eating rabbit food. That's ok though. The teasing was in good fun and I knew that I'd rather be eating rabbit food and feeling slim, pretty, and sexy rather than eating something else and feeling bloated, greasy, and out of control. That was priceless and worth a little teasing.

Yesterday, Super Bowl. The prime time for me to go off track. But, I ate before I went to the party and knew that while I was there, I would focus on the game and the company instead of eying the treats. I passed up chips, candy (M&M's to be exact), and birthday cake.

This weekend of food temptation was only missing pizza! But going through a busy, food rich weekend and being successful was awesome. I kept my own needs front and center throughout the entire weekend and I'm so proud of that. Nothing like tooting my own horn here ... but when I slipped on my size 8 jeans and they were comfortable and I felt sexy in them, that was worth way more to me than any food I might have slipped into my mouth. Success is by far sweeter!

Tomorrow's weigh-in is gonna be great!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Fast Food Temptation

On my lunch time walks, I pass no less than a ton of restaurants. Sonic, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Panera, Olive Garden, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Little Cesears, Pita Pit, sushi, and a few others. These are all very smelly restaurants too.

That means, as I'm trying to focus and complete my lunch time exercise, I'm consistently being harassed by the lunch smells.

Today I was pushing hard. I was throwing in some jogging (eek!) but with each step, I couldn't help but be slightly tempted by the beckoning smells. Yes, I'll admit it, the smells of grease and garlic entice me.

I was imaging the smells as being hands wafting out of the restaurants gesturing me to come indulge. When the gesturing didn't work, I felt them stick their fingers into my nostrils and try to physically pull me by the nose hairs into the restaurant doors. The thing is though, none of it worked today. As much as the garlic tempted me (and oh boy did it tempt!) I kept repeating to myself "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, etc.". Each time I repeated that statement, a finger loosened it grip and instead of pulling me forward to the doors, started pushing me from behind and giving me a bit of a nudge to "go faster and farther".

I started to think about how many calories were in those foods, how they used to play such a large role in my life, and how the work I was doing in my wog (walk/jog) was a result of my poor eating out choices in the past. That, more than anything else, propelled me forward today.

I completed my 4.25 miles with a new time record, ate my salad for lunch, and felt pretty darn successful and empowered.

The fact is that those foods don't feel good and quite honestly, they don't taste all that great either. Sure the instant they cross the tongue is good but once they hit the stomach, the guilt hits the brain and that's icky.

It's amazing what a little self-talk can do to turn the mood around, huh?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

New Numbers!

Woot woot! All the hard work and determination have paid off with a reward of new numbers and a weekly weight loss of 4.6 pounds. I'll take it!!!!

I'm so thankful to be headed in the right direction. Stepping onto the scale feels great because I know I've done all I could to be on plan.

Hearing Dan Russell talk today was awesome as well. He's amazing and so inspirational. He reminded me that keeping my eyes on my goals and then doing everything I can physically to reach them will make me successful over the long run. Hard work over a long period of time will equal success. So true.

I'm in process of changing a bit of stinkin' thinkin'. It's the same thing that reared it's head last Tuesday and I guess I didn't realize how much it was ingrained in me but historically this would have been my "cheat" day and I find myself thinking of "cheats" and "sneaks". Weird how those old tapes start playing when we least expect them. I'm down 15 pounds in 2 weeks and on the day I should be celebrating, my brain is confusing my efforts. But ... I will NOT go down that path!

Instead, each time a "cheat" pops into my head, I'm thinking of things I could instead to reward my efforts ... like tonight I'm going jean shopping and on Friday I'm getting a manicure and pedicure. Those are far more rewarding in the long run and as I redirect my brain and old tapes, I'm getting more and more excited for the coming weeks.

I know this week I can be 100% on plan again. When that happens, I'll be down another couple pounds. When I'm down another couple pounds my clothes will fit better and I'll feel more energized. I'll also be that much closer to my goal. This is doable. And I'm doing it!

Monday, January 31, 2011

Ready for a new week

Wow, week 2 of being 100% on plan and I'm kicking some serious booty on my weight loss! At home, my scale says I've lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm not sure what the scale will say at THW tomorrow but I'm ready for whatever the numbers might be.

My clothes are fitting better. I have oodles more energy. And I'm feeling so positive about life and my decisions these days. That's worth more to me than what the scale might say. Although ... ok to be honest, I'm hoping the numbers really are good tomorrow because that would mean new numbers and a drop into new numbers would mean I've pushed past the wall that I've hit head first in past weight loss attempts. It's the wall I've hit, fell into, and then given up.

I don't feel a shred of that this time though. I'm charging forward and making wise choices.

Saturday was probably the most tempting day I've had in ages. I had a volunteer training which led into an afternoon of horse riding. I knew I'd be there all day so I packed a lunch and planned for success. In our volunteer meeting, we shared the room with the smell of pulled pork which was ruminating in a crock pot for lunch. Pulled pork, BBQ sauce, rolls (ugh!), lasagna (double ugh!) and rice crispy treats (triple ugh!) all accosted me throughout the day and just beckoned me to indulge.

At the end of the volunteer session, I couldn't get out of there fast enough! My rumbling tummy was just about to give into the allure of the temptations and I needed to exit before I did something I'd regret. I grabbed a spoon and darted off to my trailer where I threw myself into my yogurt and cottage cheese with more fever than I've felt in ages! Staying on plan felt great.

That evening a few friends and I went to see a movie. Awwww ... the movie theater. I used to go to the dollar store in advance of the theater where I'd stock up on chocolate candy and gummy worms. Armed with those goodies, once at the theater, I'd buy popcorn and a soda. I again was planning for success this time though. I tucked an apple in my purse and once at the theater bought a big bottled water.

As I watched the movie with my friends, munched on my apple, and listened to them smack on buttery popcorn, I was amazed at how awesome I felt not indulging. I went to bed Saturday night feeling energized and successful instead of bloated and greasy. That's an awesome feeling and one I'm so thankful to experience.

I'm not 100% sure what the scale will show tomorrow but no matter what it says, I'm going to feel great about the successes I've had thus far.

Taking control of my life is priceless. Food is not controlling me and I'm feeling powerful.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Only the Lonely

The weekend is coming and I'm ready to tackle it. I'm on the cusp of new numbers and I really want to hit them on Tuesday which means that my focus and determination need to hit new levels this weekend.

This, typically, has been my stopping point. It's the point where I start to feel better about myself and then give into the pressures of outside influences and go off plan. I refuse to let that happen to me again. I love feeling in control and when I give into the poor eating habits, I feel out of control.

I spent another night in my space, alone, but not lonely last night. Being alone in my space still sends shudders of fear through me which is so odd because before I met TS, I was alone. I realized though, as I was talking with my very patient sister last night, that in the past I dealt with that lonely feeling by downing food. I'd have a night at home and instantly think reward night and therefore PIZZA NIGHT! Now that I'm not downing my emotions in food, I'm left to process through the loneliness and fear that brings out in me. Suddenly it's up to me to stay focused and on plan. I don't have anyone to blame for my choices. It's all me. Consciously, I see that as a positive, but subconsciously that's pretty darn scary too.

I'm in process of changing my thinking about this whole thing. How can I be in a healthy relationship if I'm not happy with myself? Shouldn't my own company be enough to see me through an evening? I am responsible for and to myself. I therefore need to be able to be in my own space with my thoughts and see that as a positive thing.

I'm happy to report that last night I took yet another step in the right direction. I didn't die of boredom. I didn't eat the entire house. I didn't cry myself to sleep. I actually went to bed feeling pretty darn good and refreshed. My house was clean, my horses were well taken care of, and my pups had a good run in the yard. I prepared a gorgeous meal which I ate at my dinner table with fancy dishes and cloth napkins. As I looked out the window that showcases the valley, I got to appreciate an amazingly beautiful pink and yellow sunset. As the sun went down, I thought about all the positive things that could come from being alone with my thoughts. Closure, healing and power were just a few of the things that came to mind. The rest of the night, I put those positive things into action instead of getting caught up in negative self talk and by the time I hit the pillows, I was feeling like a complete human being.

All in all, it was a very successful night and I think I might maybe kinda sorta be looking forward to my next alone night to repeat my self-nurturing practices.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Saw a Demon - Won the battle

Last night was my first rough night since being back on plan.

Nothing drastic happened but I was tired both emotionally and mentally and I let my old tapes and demons vie for my attention.

Yes, I'd had a great weigh in ... but I kept beating myself up for being back up in weight anyway and thus needing to even lose those 10.6 pounds. Couple that with the fact that in past challenges or weight loss times, I'd "cheated" the night after my weigh ins. Nothing too big but even an extra starch can throw my weight off and in so doing, that would generally set off even further off plan choices. The thinking of "I'll fix this tomorrow and I'll still be down on Tuesday" would rear up in front of me and I'd embrace it wholeheartedly. Well, I'd embrace it until Tuesday rolled around and then I'd proceed to beat myself up because I'd be saying "Man, if only I'd stayed 100% on plan, I might be down another pound.". Amazing what those things do to our weight loss progress, huh? That thinking is the path of destruction and failure. I've been down it many times.

Anyway, last night I was confronted with all of that as I went out to dinner with a friend. We visited Pita Pit which, if you haven't been there, I'd highly suggest. They have a great salad option. Only go if you're feeling strong though. They also have feta, olives, salad dressing, chips, and cookies that reach out and tug at your stomach.

All those old tapes started playing "just a little bit of feta won't hurt" or "really? would one cookie kill you?". I battled with myself all through the salad line. I think I even had a bit of sweat on my brow as I passed up the feta cheese. But, in the end, I came out victorious.

As hard as it is to say no in the moment, it's such a relief in the long run. I went home feeling satisfied, happy, content, and powerful for having confronted an old demon and for winning the fight.

Instead of going to the cupboard for additional food to cure my guilt over having gone off plan in the first place (another past behavior), I cuddled up on the couch with my pups and read a great self-help book (Single - The art of being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent). I went to bed feeling strong, confident, and on top of my life and choices. I felt in control instead of out of control and weak. That's an amazing difference.

I know he'll show up again. Demons don't take no for an answer very easily. But next time he shows up, he'll not be as strong and I'll win the battle a little easier.

I love this feeling and it's far more powerful than the feeling of regret I've had on other Wednesday mornings.

You know, I think, just maybe this whole diet thing might be sinking in and working! Love it!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Results of Week 1

Week 1 back on plan and the results are in ... 10.something (perhaps .6 it was all a blur of excitement) lost in one week. Wooooooooooot!!!!!! I love that.

There was so much weight lost today in the noon challenge that the results were staggering. I was so inspired and in awe of people that are truly committing to this process and in so doing were shedding pounds like it was going outta style. And ... it was going outta style! Being fat isn't stylish, it's icky. We're not gonna be fat for much longer.

I faced many interesting challenges my first week back on plan. It's been a doozy from a relationship standpoint but oddly enough, eating on plan and taking care of myself has made those things manageable. I faced them, dealt with them, and am moving on accordingly. My attitude has improved, I have way more energy, and I'm just all around a happier person. This is the me I like and am happy to see again.

As an aside, I'm also proud that I spent my first day "alone" while on plan. I was so worried that without someone around to keep me occupied, I'd get lonely and would therefore stuff my face ... but you know what? That didn't happen. In fact, I used that day as a "me" day and had a blast. I had an amazing horse ride in the morning and then I came home and spent time prepping my food for the week. I baked pumpkin custard, thai chicken, and packaged up my lunches for the week. I followed that up with an awesome bubble bath and a good book. It was a wonderfully relaxing day that was exactly what I needed to start off a new week.

The mind plays such tricks on us, doesn't it? The trick is not to let it. I'm proud that I didn't let my mind interfere with my process for the week and in so doing was successful on my diet. Here's to another week with even more success!

I mean, what if I stayed 100% on plan this week too??? How much could I lose by Tuesday? What is my body able to do? I don't know the answer but I'm about to find out ....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Happy Pill

Somewhere, somehow, I've downed a happy pill and it has me rah rah rah-ing enough to even annoy myself!

Have you noticed that there's a big difference between trying to convince yourself you're happy but not really taking it in and actually believing it and projecting it accordingly? When I believe it, I soak it in. It seeps into my bones and it then radiates from my pours.

I have no doubt that when I'm in the groove, I'm the most annoying person to be around ... ever. I make wise food choices, I make wise personal choices, and I unwilling to let others influence my choices ... that and most of the time, I'm singin' a little tune, dancin' a little jig, and bursting forth with happiness. I'll admit that's hard for some to handle but I'll also admit that I'm ok with that.

I'm finding myself these days and the me I'm discovering finds pleasure in making wise choices. I went to bed with a very teeny tiny rumbling in my tummy last night. This would have sent me to the kitchen immediately but as I slipped off to sleep last night, I thought "wow, I can control this behavior". That's powerful.

When I first started on plan, waaaaay back in the day, I remember these feelings. I wasn't afraid of a little hunger. I wasn't afraid that the hunger would mean I was unsatisfied or somehow LESS of a person. I'm not exactly sure where I picked up that belief along the way, but it's a false belief and frankly, most of the time when I felt "hungry" it wasn't hunger I was really feeling! It was cravings or feelings I was trying to stuff. Therein lies the difference.

I'm not saying that I expect life to be roses and sun from now on, but I do know that as I hold onto my positive attitude and confidence, I'll be able to face whatever is coming my way.

I went to a horse conference on endurance riding over the weekend and boy did that motivated me! I see breeches in my future and a fat girl should NOT ever wear breeches. They are more revealing than stretch pants. Not good.

So, armed with my goal of an endurance ride in March-ish, I'm still energized and on plan. I passed up M&M's, burgers at Red Robin, doughnuts, and more and each time I said "no" ... I knew I was saying "yes" to me future.

Here's to the future that's fast approaching. I can rock this and I am. Finally. I'm in the groooooove! I'm so excited for my weigh in on Tuesday. I see a BIG drop in my future!

Starting to Repair

I've been taking time to really get some things in order and repair, move on, and process. I've been hit left, and right, and squarely in the middle with a few things I've had to deal with in order to make this year the best year it could possibly be. So, having said that, I've processed and am back and progressing.

I signed up on with the Winter Team Challenge at THW and in so doing am feeling that passion, excitement, and energy I had when I was first losing weight. I've never been this "on plan" and feel the weight melting off of me as I type this. I have so much focus that it's annoying even me!

My teammate is as dedicated as I am and I know this challenge is ours to win ... whether we take home the grand prize is irrelevant. We will win by staying focused and seeing this through. So, that's the plan. To be on plan, to drop the weight, and live my life as I once was doing.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting back on where I was before I entered into my relationship with TS. I was full of life, confidence, and excitement about the future. Somewhere along the way, I lost that girl and reverted back to the sad, unworthy girl. I can see the better me standing just a few feet away and she's reaching out to me. I've just about got her hand and I'm anxious to get to know her again.

In the meantime, team Slimsational is in the house! We're rockin' the challenge and are dropping weight like it's a hot potato!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

New Year! New Day! New Me!

Welcome 2011! I'm a little bit behind in getting on the bandwagon but that doesn't mean I'm any less enthused to welcome in a new year which will bring new beginnings and a chance for a new me.

TS moved out on the 31st and it was quite symbolic to welcome in the new year with a fresh attitude, home, and spirit.

I've been mapping out my goals and applying my 2011 word "repair" to all areas of my life ... starting with my home.

Having my space back and wholly mine meant some changes needed to be made to make it truly MINE again. I've always felt that my home was my castle but I needed to make some physical changes to feel it was a comforting place for me again. Armed with a paint brush and paint, I transformed my living room into a peaceful, comforting haven and I love it.

I do have to say though that I find it a bit ironic that my colors are Cherry Cobbler and Chocolate Coco ... but as Letha said, "Paint it! Don't eat it!" Those are good words to live by for sure!

Last night, after the hustle and bustle of a few days of cleaning, moving, painting, and organizing, I got to truly enjoy my new space. I curled up on my couch with a few loving pups at my feet (one by my side too course), wrapped up in a blanket and enjoyed a cup of mint tea while I reflected on 2010 and in turn started prepping for 2011.

This is going to be a good year. I feel it in my bones. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can tackle this year and make it what I want it to be. I'm 34 this year and by the time I'm 35, I want to be at my goal weight, living my best life. In order to do that, I'm focusing on repairing the parts of me that are broken. Now that my home is in tiptop shape, it's time to repair my body. I'm making wise food choices and taking care of myself because time goes by quickly and I refuse to let another year pass me by as I sit on the sidelines and wish for change.

In 2011, I'm taking the bull by the horns, coming out swinging, and taking charge of my own life.

2011 is going to rock!