Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I am proud of myself for facing the music though and not letting things spiral of out of control and carry into this week. It's never harder to weigh in than when I know for certain the scale is up! Today I struggled through and forced myself to face the Christmas eating. In so doing, I feel I've powered through and am now back on the path.
Speaking of now ... it's going to be a tough week. TS is moving out. It's a good thing in the long run but it means there will be a few uncomfortable days ahead as the adjustment is made.
I need to focus on eating right and making wise decisions this week even though everything in my emotional makeup tells me to drown my sorrows in food. Eating right though, will make me feel empowered in the long run and I need to keep making those wise choices each time I take a bite.
This week, I need to think positively. I need to think of ways to reclaim my space. I need to do some rearranging, buy a few kitchen items, and start to put things back together. I will start repairing my space.
I plan to do some goal setting for 2011 and one of the things on my list is to repair myself physically. That means reaching my weight loss goal this year. I can do that.
Did I happen to mention that 2011 is going to be a great year?
Monday, December 27, 2010
There's no need to offer up all the goofy details here but I will tell you that in a world where Christmas is about families, traditions, and kiddos ... it's tough to not have any of those things and in fact be further from having them than I thought I was. I used to laugh at the whole biological clock discussion but it was my reality this year.
I feel very selfish for getting so far down in the pity party because the truth is that I have wonderful parents that work hard to make the holidays a lovely, wonderful time. And, they were ... once I pulled my head outta my "you know what".
I'm not necessarily looking forward to the scale tomorrow. It will reflect my off plan food choices and I'm sure I'll backtrack a bit in my progress. I'm still going to show up though and weigh in and face the music. I need to.
On another note, 2011 is my year of repair. In fact, that's my word for the year. I'm going to repair myself emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually. This will be my biggest year of change. I'll be 34 this year and as I approach midlife, I want to be whole and ready for whatever comes up around the next bend.
I love the definition of the word REPAIR as it has so many implications. I'm excited to see where this word will take me.
–verb (used with object)1. to restore to a good or sound condition after decay or damage; mend: to repair a motor.2. to restore or renew by any process of making good, strengthening, etc.: to repair one's health by resting.3. to remedy; make good; make up for: to repair damage; to repair a deficiency.4. to make amends for; compensate: to repair a wrong done.
–noun5. an act, process, or work of repairing: to order the repair of a building.6. Usually, repairs.a. an instance or operation of repairing: to lay up a boat for repairs.b. a repaired part or an addition made in repairing: 17th-century repairs in brick are conspicuous in parts of the medieval stonework.7. repairs, (in bookkeeping, accounting, etc.) the part of maintenance expense that has been paid out to keep fixed assets in usable condition, as distinguished from amounts used for renewal or replacement.8. the good condition resulting from continued maintenance and repairing: to keep in repair.9. condition with respect to soundness and usability: a house in good repair.
This week I'll be reflecting, redefining, and gearing up to face 2011 head on. It's going to be a spectacular year!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
On another note, I made a goober outta myself again yesterday. It's becoming a Tuesday routine!
I participated in The Healthy Weigh's lunch time activity which meant I had to do like the other normal, well adjusted, dieters were doing and talk to the group. Out loud. In public. In front of people. While they looked at me.
So really what happened was that I stood up in front of a few people, turned 20 shades of red, cried, and I think I even snorted at them. Yeah, that's right, I said I snorted. I literally snorted. You know that snorty crying thing that happens when you're trying to hold back your tears 'cause you feel like a goober for crying and in so doing it gets all bottled up and finally explodes through your nose in a loud snort? Yeah, that's what I did. In front of people. While I was shaking in my shoes and pacing from being so darn nervous to be standing in front of them.
It's a funny thing. I can stand in front of a room of executives and talk about web stuff or branding or whatever marketing mumbo jumbo might need to be discussed but put me out in front of anyone to talk about something personal and I melt. It turns out I snort a bit too. (embarrassing!)
What I wanted to relate (and quite honestly it's all a blur so I'm not sure if I did this or not) was this:
I've lost weight before. A lot of weight ~ 118 pounds to be exact. But, I gained 50 of that back. What I learned about myself while I was in the process of gaining was as powerful as what I'm learning when I'm losing.
This weight loss thing is what you make it. If you're rushing through it to get to the end ... you'll find the end isn't reachable because it's not real. In weight loss, perfection doesn't exist and finality is a pipe dream. If you take the time to learn the why and how, stumble along the way, and then truly commit to lasting life changes, then you'll have greater success.
This is my life. I live each day with the choices I make and the things I learn along the way. I stumble over cookies and popcorn or I may fall flat on my red face with a glass of wine and some meatballs. But each time I do that and pick myself back up, I learn where the pitfalls are so I can maneuver through them in the future.
I'm truly committed to lasting change because I know deep down in my soul I'm worthy of more than what I've been giving myself the last 33 (eek!) years. I'm worth finishing this journey and literally being half the size I was on the outside while being triple what I was on the inside.
That's what this is about for me. Life. Living. Self-worth. Success. Change.
Thank you to everyone that shared at THW yesterday. Each comment was touching and inspiring in it's own way. I LOVE it and it energizes me! Your stories are powerful and keep me pointed in the right direction. Let's continue to share because we can all learn so much from others along this same path.
Oh, and someone mentioned that they're doing the sugar free flavors in their coffees ... I wanted to mention but didn't want to risk another snort, it's awesome to mix the flavors together too. Try a sugar free hazelnut vanilla or hazelnut cinnamon dolce mix. It's super yummy!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
These are the jeans I called Letha about when I slipped them on at Macy's and was beyond excited that a size 12 fit nicely. At my lowest they were too big and more than once had been on the goodwill pile because I didn't want clothes around that were too big anymore. Going up wasn't an option. But ... I'd saved them because I loved them and sentimentally, they meant something to me.
On the other hand, when I was gaining, I had them on hand because I needed them. For awhile, they were the only jeans I could wear. A month ago though, when I was at my heaviest, I hated them. They almost ended up back on the Goodwill pile because they were reminders of how far I'd slipped.
Through the various ups and downs and ups, these jeans held their place in my closet and today were again debuted with excitement.
There's something about slipping into a pair of jeans you'd almost given up hope of fitting into again that makes you feel energized and recharged. I CAN do this! I AM doing this!
I've attempted to slip these on before but I can't tell you how impossible that feat had become.
I'm sure the amount of pain I was in when I wore them last was written across my face ... it was for sure written across my waist! Ugh! I had to lay down to zip and button them, my toes lost feeling and I couldn't sit or my buttons would pop. I was consistently worried that my butt cheek could rip the pockets out. Not pretty! After that little venture, they were relegated to the back of the closet.
Well, today I'm happy to report that not only did I get them on but they aren't cutting off circulation or making my extremities numb when I sit for extended periods of time. I can wear them and bend my knees. In fact, I can wear them, bend my knees AND cross my legs. Whoa!
What's even better, I feel good in them again. What a feeling!
Yes, I love these jeans and for now I think it's a mutually beneficial relationship.
I see an ending approaching to our relationship though and this time, I'm ok with that. I plan to part ways with these jeans when they get too big. They'll venture off to Goodwill where I'm sure some other girl will be thrilled to find them. Perhaps these jeans will inspire her when she fits into a size 12 again and will push her forward in her journey just like they did with me.
In the meantime, it's time to pull out my size 10s, hang them out for inspiration, and get those babies ready for their debut too. I'll be in them before you know it!
Monday, December 20, 2010
I mean, after all it was only a little bit of pasta, a little bit of ice cream, and a little bit of a doughnut that had distracted me that week. Obviously though, the reason why the scale wasn't going down had more to do with my outfit choice or my water intake than my ability to stay on plan with my food. I mean, OBVIOUSLY it couldn't be MY fault I wasn't losing.
Yep, I've tried all the tricks from wearing heavy clothes and then switching to lighter ones, drinking tons and tons and tons of water the day before a weigh in, weighing in in the morning vs the evening, starving myself the morning of a weigh in, etc.
I'll tell you though ... none of those things worked. Sure I might have been down an extra pound or whatever but it was a short lived victory. Not only did I have to work harder the next week to be down again (even more water, even lighter clothes, etc.), but I would walk away from the scale negating my weight loss and not feeling victorious. I'd say things like "well, of course I was down because I wore my workout pants. I'll have to wear shorts (eek!) next week." or "If only I wouldn't have eaten that doughnut, I might be down 2lbs." It was a self-defeating situation which always led to more panic as time went on.
When I played a game with my health, I came out a loser (and not in a good way) each time.
I'm doing it differently now. I'm not putting too much stock in what I wear or how much water I've had before I weigh in. I'm continuing my routine and just working the program like it's supposed to be worked because I have faith that if I do that, my weight will continue to drop over time.
Over time ... that's the key. My panic and trickery over the scale was a result of the race I was in with myself to lose the weight. I wanted the weight gone instantly. I was frustrated with anything less than stellar performances each week and when the scale started to only give me .5 and .3 drops, I got discouraged and started the games. When the games didn't work, I completely lost my focus and put back on 10, then 20, then 30, and then 40 pounds.
To make lasting change, I'm learning that this is not a race. It's a long, twisting, winding journey. It's a progression. I've had 30 some odd years of making unhealthy food choices. How can I expect to undo all of that in six months? It's impossible.
So, I'm taking my sweet time to figure this out knowing that slow and steady wins the race. I'm the turtle, not the hare and instead of racing around aimlessly, I'm taking my time to enjoy the scenery and learn from this experience.
There will be no more scale trickery because I know that if I eat right during the week, I'll see that reflected on the scale ... eventually.
Speaking of which, tomorrow is weigh in day and I'm ready!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Has this been a long week or what?!?!?! My goodness. Anticipation of an awesome Christmas holiday coupled with the stressors that have flexed their muscles in my life recently have me sighing a HUGE sigh of relief to have made it through another week. Phewie!
Thank GOD it's Friday!
Yesterdays weigh in went ok .... I was down ... not by much ... but down so I'll take it. .16 ... Yeah, not much. But again, it's down.
Tuesday will be dramatic I hope. In fact, it will be because it has to be. Each time in the last six months that I've bailed on my weight loss program, it's been around the time that I would crack the 220s. I'm 233 and would love to be down below 230 on Tuesday. Before you know it, I'll be back down to the 100s! That's gonna be a great day.
This weekend is all about relaxing, recharging, rejuvenating, and refocusing. I need to get my head screwed on straight so that I can tackle Christmas!
I hope everyone else is gearing up for a great weekend and holiday time as well!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Today is a good day. It's a good day because I stood firm yesterday and didn't cave into any of my out-of-control cravings. It's amazing how empowering that truly is. There were many times yesterday when the call of a christmas cookie just about exploded my eardrums or the whisper of cheddar cheese just about yanked my heart out of my chest ... but .... I'm so happy to report that I didn't cave and thus today is a new, bright, sparkly, positive day!
In fact, it's another weigh in day. At noon, I hope to see the reward of yesterdays hard work. Each pound lost is another pound closer to my goal. That's a good thing!
Thank you everyone for offering up words of encouragement yesterday and giving me the boost to continue on. I so needed that and I so appreciate all of you!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Today being on plan is a struggle. The stress and anxiety I've been fighting for the last couple weeks has seeped into my soul and taken over my brain. It is consequently playing negative tapes and suggesting I eat, eat some more, and then eat just a tad bit more and it will all be better ... magically.
Even though I know that's not the truth, my body and brain and working overtime to convince me it is. Thus, the candy dish, kitchen cookies, and Red Robin lunch are all calling me at a fervent pitch. My stomach is actually jumping on the bandwagon too and is rolling, gurgling, and talking in an attempt to force me to dig into the Christmas cookies that lay in weight (oops ... Freudian slip) in the kitchen.
It's one of those days where I need to fight back and take control of my thinking.
Yes, I need to focus on what's right in my life right now. What am I happy with? What is in my control today?
I'm thrilled that my jeans were a bit looser when I put them on this morning. I've lost 10 pounds. That's nothing to sneeze at! I know when I eat well, I feel well. The blemishes on my face go away and I can walk into a room with confidence again. By making wise food choices, I do feel more in control and can focus on the feeling behind the craving. Dealing with the feelings sucks, but when I do that, I do feel so much better in the long run.
I can't control the things that are stressing me out right now ... hence why they are stressing me out! ... but I can control how I think, feel, and what I do in reaction to them. I know that if I can stay strong today, I will be even stronger the next time temptation knocks.
Motivation is in the doing.
So, today, I'm DOING! And putting my faith in the fact that by doing, I'll believe and follow through.
After all, weigh in is tomorrow and I'd like to mark some more feet off my goal sheet!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The first reward is some time with my horse, Scout. I see an extended grooming session followed up by some arena time in my future. And, just because I did battle with some demons this week and come out successful, I'm going to follow that up with a hot bath and a good book instead of the housework I'd originally planned to tackle. Aw, it's going to be a good night.
On another note, I made a complete goober out of myself today.
I went to The Healthy Weigh at lunch and one of the attendees came up to me and introduced herself as reader of my blog.
I'm always a loss when I meet someone that reads these ramblings. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love it because their stories always encourage me too but my first reaction is generally "WOW! They DO exist!" (kinda like the M&M's commercials).
So, she introduces herself, and in the silence that ensues I'm struggling to think of something to say. Oh my goodness ... what do I say? Thanks for reading? Cool, thanks for following along? Why in the world would you read this blog?
Although none of those are good options, what I pop out with is "Oh yeah? And you're finding value in that are you?" Um, really? Did I really just say that? Yep, that's all I got. I immediately feel like an idiot and I know my face turned 20 shades of red. Of course she's finding value in it, silly!!!! She's reading it, isn't she?
The truth is that I love to write this blog. It keeps me honest. When I'm off plan, I either can't write or when I do muster a few words, they're hallow. I guess in some ways, this has turned into my personal journal. Often times, I forget that real, live, breathing, dieting, people are actually reading this. Having people comment and meeting the readers in person are good reminders that I'm not in this alone. Although our paths are different, we're all working toward the same goal ... a healthier, happier future.
Anyway, I guess I relate all this so that I can apologize to her for being a little "off" during our conversation. Once that popped outta my mouth, I was waffling between thinking how cool it was that she was at her goal and then back to "why did I say that?!?!!". I'm sure I came across as a bit distracted!
So, to the beautiful, thin, and inspiring person I met today: I so enjoyed meeting you and you looked GREAT! Many, many congrats on reaching your goal weight. I know it's a struggle to maintain (the journey is never over, right?), but the fact that you reached your goal, means you can stay on the right path once you've made a decision to do so. You have the tools you need to be successful and I'm inspired by you. Thank you for that inspiration. I needed it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wuhoo! I love week 1 weight loss. It's so cool. It's motivating in and of itself. I feel empowered today.
For this week's homework, I need to come up with some goals and rewards. I have a major reward scheduled every 10 pounds (wuhoo ~ 3 more pounds to go!) but I need to put some thought into a few other rewards along the way. In the past, I substituted spending for food and I don't want to do that on this journey. Instead, I need to think about giving myself healthy, balanced, unique rewards that don't always involve spending money.
I'm at a loss.
My list at this point:
- A luxurious lavender bath with candles, music, a cup of something nice to drink (you know like diet soda in a wine glass), and my Kindle.
- Time with my horse which might mean a trail ride, an extra good horse brushing, or an evening hanging out in the barn with my good friend and our pups.
I wasn't so good at this whole process last time so I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm going to get it right this time. It's one of the many keys to success and since I plan to be successful, I plan to work the goals and rewards like there's no tomorrow!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
My humble opinion aside though, did anyone else see the videos they made for their future skinny selves? It got me thinking ... what if I wrote a note to my goal-weight self? What things would I tell myself to help me remember where I came from. When the high of being thin wears off, what thought would I put in my own mind to inspire myself to stay the course? Is that a mouthful or what!
Dearest Skinny Wendy:
You are my inspiration, my aspiration, and most importantly my greatest
motivation. You are the person I've always wanted to be, but until now, couldn't find. You're the person that I knew was inside just waiting to become a reality.
I can't tell you how badly I want to be you right now.The confidence, security, and power you exhibit and have inside of you is awe inspiring.
Although you need to be rejoicing and celebrating your weight loss victory, you also need to remember how painful being the bigger Wendy was. Don't forget that when you were heavier, you didn't want to do things with others, you had little confidence, and you felt powerless in most things. I am miserable in my own skin and that's something you should remember when the skinny route seems hard to muster.
Take a moment to reflect back on how hard it was for me to get on my horse, how I would get winded at a bit of a canter, and feel again how walking across the parking lot would send my heart into tremors. Those are things you never ever never ever ever want back in your life. In case you need help remembering, check out the pics below.
Having said that, don't lose sight of the now while looking to the past. Recognize that wherever you're at, it's where you need to be. Perfection is an illusion but hard work, determination, and goals are priceless.
Trust, self-worth, and accomplishment are what you've been missing and what drives you now.
I so absolutely can't wait to meet you! You, girl friend, truly do rock!
With unconditional love,
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thus, I'm posting this because I'm hoping my process will help you guys with your process.
As part of The Healthy Weigh's plan, we're asked to identify and then ask hard questions about our belief systems. The premise is as follows: Our BELIEFS dictate our THOUGHTS which dictate our FEELINGS which dictate our ACTIONS.
So, in my life, this plays out like this.
I don't believe I'm worthy of good things (lack of self worth) so I think "uh-oh!" when a good thing happens and instantly go to "I don't deserve this". I then feel horrible (sad, upset, depressed, apprehensive, etc.). Based on those feelings, I either sabotage good things (hello, welcome to my weight loss journey), don't seek them out (relationships) or don't fight for the good that I want (I settle).
That's just one example, but it's amazing how many different ways these things play out in my life.
I recognize, when I write it all out, that it's a bit silly. Of course I'm worthy of good things ... right?
Yes, I know that consciously but the messages or tapes that play over and over in my head buy into these false beliefs and then act them out in ways I'm not even aware of. This can be seen most recently in my attempts to continue losing weight.
I say I'm going to lose weight, but if I don't think I'm worthy or can actually accomplish it, will I really lose all my weight? Surely I won't be able to keep it off because those tapes will start to play and I'll start thinking I'm already a failure and thus, I will fail.
The first step to changing my tune is identification. If I can accurately identify my false beliefs, I can turn those tapes off and replace them with more positive messages. But how in the world do I identify something I might not even know is a false belief???
Well, it's a process! And I'm digging into it as I write this.
I'm asking myself the following questions to get my answers.
- How would you describe yourself as a child? As a teenager?
- What did you like about yourself? What didn't you like?
- What were you good at? Not so good at?
- What were some of the things about you or your circumstances that you've "always" believed about yourself?
- Were you taught it was more important to take care of others before yourself?
- What are some of the things you remember being told about your intellect? About your appearance, friends, abilities?
- How do you handle compliments today?
- Who do you trust? Why?
- How did your family handle conflicts?
- When you were upset as a child or teenager, what did you usually do in order to feel better?
More to come on this as I work through it .... In the meantime, it's a new day and I'm starting it off right with a cup of tea in my hand, awesome holiday music filling my office, and a smile on my face.
Good things are gonna happen today!!
Monday, December 6, 2010
So, knowing that I needed to plan to succeed, I'd looked online at the menu hoping to find a healthy option for dinner. I scanned the menu ... hmm ... baked chicken breast looked promising except that it was marinated in olive oil and served with browned butter and mizathera cheese sauce. What a way to bring a zillion calories to baked chicken breast! A BLT salad might be ok except I'd have to have them leave off the bacon, blue cheese crumbles, croutons, olives, avocados, and dressing. Then it's just a LT salad. That's not really worth the $9 price tag.
Ok, no problem. The food I need is in the kitchen. I'd just order lettuce, tomatoes, and a grilled chicken breast. I got this, I thought.
But I didn't have it.
Before I went in, I got a phone call that I knew I shouldn't have answered but did anyway and in so doing, I let my emotions get the best of me. I started to feel insecure and unhappy with myself.
When I start to feel those things, I eat. I started with a glass of wine thinking it would calm my nerves. It did. It also opened the door to the bread, pesto dressing, meatballs and scoop of vanilla ice cream.
I beat myself up one side and down the other side that night. I mean, I was just newly on this plan again and there I go derailing myself before I even got started!!!! When I got home, I opened the pantry door thinking that I'd already failed, I might as well finish out the night with whatever might tempt me in the cupboards.
But I stopped because I knew I'd only feel worse after another indulgence.
I shut the cupboard and instead opted for a hot bath with some smelly stuff and a few candles. I pulled out my journal and wrote about the feelings I'd had earlier in the night. I went to bed feeling slightly refreshed even though mentally I was still berating myself for the off plan meal choice. I was already dreading my next weigh in.
Saturday morning, I met a friend for coffee. I related the story to her and she said "You have to forgive yourself or the rest of your weekend will be off plan too."
That's something I'm not so good at but something that I know can be freeing. So, I said to myself, "Yes, it was a mistake but it was one meal. It's not the end of the world. You are back on plan today. You are making healthy choices. You'll succeed because you're worth it. And I forgive you for the mistake that was made."
I know it sounds silly, but truly a weight was lifted off my mind when I forgave myself. I stayed on plan and focused the rest of the weekend. I even went out to dinner and a movie last night and managed to make wise, healthy choices.
I'm learning. It's happening slowly ... but it's happening. I'm finding that lasting change doesn't happen overnight and I need to be patient with myself as I soak in and learn all I need to learn. Each slip is an opportunity to regroup, refocus, and perfect that forgiveness skill.
Friday, December 3, 2010
It's amazing that just when I think I've got a handle on life, it throws me a curve ball. Such is the nature of the last couple of months. I've had some ups, downs, arounds, and am now in process of climbing back up out of the hole I dug myself into whilst trying to figure out what in the world was going on.
This last year has been filled with life lessons and for that, I'm thankful. Someone very important to me said that the Chinese symbol for crisis is the symbol for danger mixed with the symbol for opportunity. What a great way to look at a crisis! It's dangerous because it means we have to go through something uncomfortable but it's an opportunity because we can come out on the other side of the crisis with a new outlook, new direction, and new attitude. For that, I'm thankful.
'Tis the season for thanksgiving, right?
It's no secret that I've been stopping, starting, stopping, starting etc. my diet plan for months ... ok, really, for the last year. You all have faithfully followed along with my ups and cheered me on accordingly. I've been writing that I'm going to get serious, I've been telling myself I'm going to get serious, and then life throws one of those curve balls my way and I get completely sidetracked. This shows that I've been letting life rule me instead of me ruling my life.
That changes now.
I've made some changes in my personal life and those are allowing me to better focus on myself. I'm getting back in touch with the Wendy I was becoming a year ago.
You know, I've missed her. She was starting to gain a bunch of confidence and was friendly, cute, fun, and had a passion for life. Those are all things that I want to get back to and bring out again.
So, for the reeeeeeeeally hard part.
I've ballooned back up to 243 which ... ugh ... it soooo pains me to write that number down. It's far more tempting to go back to the old way of doing things and ignore the number. That's not helping me though and it's certainly not letting me ignore it by the tight fitting clothes and lack of energy it's bringing back into my life.
A 243 pound life is not the life I want to lead. I deserve better than that.
I'd like to reach 174 which would be 60 pounds total. From Tuesday to Thursday, I'm already down 3 pounds. That leaves 57 more to go! I've lost 100 before ... I can lose 57. This is doable.
I created a little picture that I'm using to track my progress. As I lose a pound, I'm crossing off a step in my journey. Each 10 pound goal will be a BIG celebration (facial, etc.) so that I'm consistently reminded I need to reward myself as I go along.
So, I know you all might be tired of my back and forth behavior .... but you know, that's just how my journey is playing itself out.
I'm learning as I go along and each backslide is an opportunity for me to learn about myself and grow accordingly. My weight is a symptom of a larger issue that I need to get a handle on and I'm learning that old habits die hard. I can slip into the negative self talk faster than I can even recognize. In order to make this weight loss a LASTING change, I really do need to do all the work to make it so. Just because it comes off, doesn't mean it will stay off. Keeping it off is a whole new life lesson.
And it's one I'll be ready to tackle this time because I'm going to dig deep, work hard, and make some lasting changes in my life.