I've had a hard day and life sucks. I deserve pizza.
I'm mad at the world. I deserve chocolate.
I'm sick. I deserve chips.
I just completed a big project at work. I deserve cookies!
I just lost a pound! I deserve ice cream!
I'm stressed, happy, sad, mad, glad, anxious, etc. I deserve pizza, cookies, AND ice cream!
I blame this whole phenomenon squarely on my parents. Well, my mom really. My mom would reward herself and us kids with food (or shopping ... my other vice) every chance she got. She'd yell at us, feel guilty, and then take us to a dinner of our choice. She'd have a rough day and take us out for pie. I'd have a bad day and she'd make me homemade mac & cheese. I learned at a very young age that food wasn't just meant to sustain our bodies but also our souls and hearts. It was a substitute when life wasn't going well and a means of celebration when life was going great.
This whole thing has really put a wrench in my dieting plan. It haunts me a lot. Louder than anything else, my little brain likes to yell out "EAT IT! YOU DESERVE IT!" when tempted with chocolate, pizza, etc. It will then justify the "deserve" with a rundown of my current situation until it settles on that moments highest rated emotion that needs to be fed, or most often, pushed down.
I dealt with this in my last round of weight loss by switching my food addiction to a shopping addiction. I'd feel icky (or happy) and then I'd clothes shop because ... well ... I deserved it!
This time around, I don't want to substitute one addiction for another. I want to kick this thing. To truly kick it, I need to process, feel (ouch!) and deal with the situations in my life.
Because, at the root of it all, I deserve happiness.
I really don't want to do this weight loss thing again. It's hard, man! It's a killer! I want to figure this out this time so that when things come up, I'm running to my journal and not my fridge. I want to be healthy. I deserve that too.
I'm worth more than pizza, chocolate, and cookies. I'm worth the effort it's going to take to work through the emotions and get to the root of why I eat. I deserve to be the person I want to be outwardly and inwardly. I finally understand that and am willing to put the work in now to figure this out.
Success. Weight loss. Reaching my goals. Empowerment. Freedom from food. Good health.
That's what I deserve.