Friday, September 10, 2010

I deserve this

I'm a "deserved" eater. I eat because .... well ... I deserve it!

I've had a hard day and life sucks. I deserve pizza.
I'm mad at the world. I deserve chocolate.
I'm sick. I deserve chips.
I just completed a big project at work. I deserve cookies!
I just lost a pound! I deserve ice cream!
I'm stressed, happy, sad, mad, glad, anxious, etc. I deserve pizza, cookies, AND ice cream!

I blame this whole phenomenon squarely on my parents. Well, my mom really. My mom would reward herself and us kids with food (or shopping ... my other vice) every chance she got. She'd yell at us, feel guilty, and then take us to a dinner of our choice. She'd have a rough day and take us out for pie. I'd have a bad day and she'd make me homemade mac & cheese. I learned at a very young age that food wasn't just meant to sustain our bodies but also our souls and hearts. It was a substitute when life wasn't going well and a means of celebration when life was going great.

This whole thing has really put a wrench in my dieting plan. It haunts me a lot. Louder than anything else, my little brain likes to yell out "EAT IT! YOU DESERVE IT!" when tempted with chocolate, pizza, etc. It will then justify the "deserve" with a rundown of my current situation until it settles on that moments highest rated emotion that needs to be fed, or most often, pushed down.

I dealt with this in my last round of weight loss by switching my food addiction to a shopping addiction. I'd feel icky (or happy) and then I'd clothes shop because ... well ... I deserved it!

This time around, I don't want to substitute one addiction for another. I want to kick this thing. To truly kick it, I need to process, feel (ouch!) and deal with the situations in my life.

Because, at the root of it all, I deserve happiness.

I really don't want to do this weight loss thing again. It's hard, man! It's a killer! I want to figure this out this time so that when things come up, I'm running to my journal and not my fridge. I want to be healthy. I deserve that too.

I'm worth more than pizza, chocolate, and cookies. I'm worth the effort it's going to take to work through the emotions and get to the root of why I eat. I deserve to be the person I want to be outwardly and inwardly. I finally understand that and am willing to put the work in now to figure this out.

Success. Weight loss. Reaching my goals. Empowerment. Freedom from food. Good health.

That's what I deserve.

4 comments:

  1. I have felt more feelings (ouch) in the last 9 months then I think I ever have - it has been tough and my weight has stayed the same the whole time but the scale is now moving again since I was able to get through a lot of my "issues"

    My other addiction is shopping too
    ;-D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats on the scale moving again! I think if we spend the time to work through the issues, the weight will come off eventually. I don't know that it's as important it come off quickly, as long as it comes off and stays off ... forever! The only way to make that happen in my book is to deal with the issues that made us eat in the first place. Hard to do, but not impossible. The reward far outweighs the process.

    :)

    ~Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  3. Food is my addiction too. After a rough day at work there doesn't seem to be anything more soothing to my soul that a big, hot, yummy meal. But I know eating a lot all the time hasn't been kind to my body. I too need to find a new way to reward myself, because I deserve to have a healthy body as well. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Courtney, I've found that if I do something for myself (such as a hot bath with candles and bubble bath or a quiet 30 mins in the barn with the horses) and while doing it I keep telling myself over and over and over that I'm rewarding good behavior, it can really help with the "deserves" that generally bring on food cravings. I actually start to look forward to those other things instead of the food and that's a good thing!

    But, you're so right, you deserve to have a healthy body!

    ~Wendy

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for dropping me a note!