Thursday, September 23, 2010

How much and how long?

Did anyone catch the Oprah show a couple weeks ago on the biggest and most impressive weight loss stories she's seen? I think it was a rerun from an earlier time. I'm not generally an Oprah watcher but when something pops up about weight loss, I tivo it so that I can be inspired.

The stories were incredible. Women losing 250 pounds in a year. Men becoming half their size in a short period of time. These people all looked incredible. I was impressed. Oprah and her doc (can't remember his name) were both in awe of the hard work and results each person had accomplished and rightly so. They were inspiring.

Some of the women started out at the same weight I did. I listened to their stories and could so relate it to my own. One lady talked about how she couldn't walk without getting out of breath and that brought back memories of not wanting to park too far from the store because I didn't want to be out of breath and sweating when I got inside. I'd forgotten some of that.

Anyway, what really got me thinking though, was that each time they'd relate their stories, Oprah wanted to know how long it took them to lose the weight. Some were a year, some two years but it was all generally a short period of time in relation to the amount of weight they had lost.

I was actually a bit surprised at the emphasis that was placed on the length of time. We all do that though, don't we? I know I did.

When I started, I wanted to know how long I was going to have to eat like a rabbit. Give me a date, a timeline, an END! And when I didn't reach my goal weight in the timeframe I'd established for myself, I was severely disappointed and somehow felt as if I were a failure.

In reality though, is there ever an end? Aren't we making life changes here? Do we ever really stop losing weight and working toward our goals? I don't think we do and that can be a bit hard to digest.

When I reach my 157 pound goal, I'll need to maintain it. That will mean consistent adjustments, changes, and work to keep my eating in order. It's a fact of life.

So is it really that important that I get to my goal immediately? Or is it more important that I take the time needed to learn how to manage this for the rest of my life?

I'd rather have a few mess ups now, take an extra year to lose the weight, and then really learn how to manage my eating. Dumping my weight quickly, being released into the world, and putting it back on is not an option in my book.

Time is irrelevant and often an unnecessary roadblock to our weight loss. The time will pass whether we're working on our goals, at our goals, or ignoring our goals.

So what would happen if we ignored the time factor and instead focused on the process? If each day we focused on the now and dealt with the issues that brings up instead of beating ourselves up for not being where we should be?

That, to me, sounds like a much healthier and easier to manage approach.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Great Expectations

I have a big drop.
I get excited.
I expect a big drop again.
I'm disappointed when I'm only down a pound or half pound.
I want to give up.
I cheat.
I go off plan.
I go up in weight.
I get mad at myself.
I quit.

Sadly, that's been my pattern in the past.

The big drops in the beginning are highly motivating. They propel me forward, keep me focused, and keep me striving for the continued big drops. Unfortunately, weight doesn't always come off in big numbers like I'd like it to so when I'm only down a half pound or pound, I start to lose that focus and determination.

Instinctively, I know that losing at a slow steady pace is much healthier for my body and although I know that, I still expect that the weight will just magically melt away. This is especially true when I've worked hard mentally to stick to plan. The harder my brain works, the more weight I should lose, right?

So, having said all of that, today I'm struggling. I was super jazzed yesterday to lose a pound from Tuesday to Thursday but today my little brain is saying things like "Wow, I'm gonna be losing weight forever at this pace!" and "Ugh! I turned down PIZZA! Isn't that worth more than 1 pound?" and "1 pound ... hmm ... how much water did I drink yesterday? What clothes was I wearing for the weigh in? Did I REALLY lose a pound?", etc. etc. etc.

Yeah, expectations can lead us down dangerous paths.

I need to change my thinking here. Quickly! What a switch from yesterday, huh? The brain does some not so wonderful things to us when we get stuck in our old patterns.

So, instead of focusing on the phoney expectations, I'm speaking a few truths to myself.

First of all, time will pass regardless of whether or not I'm working on this goal or another one. So, why not make the most it and continue working on the one that's most important?

Weight is weight. 1 pound. 2 pounds. .5 pounds. It's all off and gone never to be back again and for that, I'm thankful.

I will not continue to lose huge amounts of weight each week. My body will slow down and this will get harder. I will need to account for each and every calorie in order to reach my goal. That's a normal thing. Being normal (in this case) is good and I need to accept, prepare, and trudge forward.

This morning I put on a sweatshirt that last week had been a bit tight across the chest. In fact, it's the pink sweatshirt I'm wearing in the side picture on the right. I tried it on before I started losing again and the zipper barely went up over my chest. Needless to say, I didn't wear it. But, this morning I cautiously tried again. I wasn't quite sure if I could handle it if it didn't fit or not but I also knew I needed the morning boost if it did. I slipped my arms in and zipped it up without any struggle. Wuhoo!

I need to think about that and how motivating that is instead of focusing on the negative self talk.

Clothes are gonna fit. I'm gonna lose this weight. And life is gonna be great!

Now, time to prep for the weekend. I see a food shopping trip in my near future. Time to stock up for success!

Pizza (won't) Power

I know I talk about candy, and sugar, and extra melba snacks, but if you want to know what really gets me going ... it's pizza.

Back in the day (waaaaay back in the day) when I'd had a bad day, I'd call up Godfathers, order an extra large extra cheese extra black olive pizza and then inhale the entire pizza without taking a breath. Literally. In the 20 minutes it took me to get home, I'd have devoured the entire pizza.

Yes folks, that behavior is the exact reason why I was 307 pounds! I shudder now to think of the calories I pumped into my body. Incredible.

Anyway, I digress.

Last night, I was confronted with pizza head on. It came to my door and sat in my kitchen on the counter (ugh, the nerve!). The smell wafted it's tempting finger of goey goodness through to the living room and beckoned under my nose for me to partake.

I swear that pizza was talking to me. It told me it didn't have any calories, would solve all my problems as well as world peace, and generally settle a sense of euphoria upon my heart. Ahhhh, food euphoria. Yes, I remember that feeling. It was short lived but what a high. It was a high that came while I was consuming then quickly turned on me when the food was gone ... but ... with the smell and talk beckoning me, it was sure hard to remember all the bad things I felt after the food slipped through my lips. It was way easier to stop at remembering the taste of the goodies rather than the feelings.

Rewind to earlier in the evening before the pizza took up residence in my kitchen.

TS wanted pizza for dinner. He'd hinted at it a bit, asked if I would have a piece or two to which I said a firm "no, thank you though" but I told him he should order it for himself if he wanted it. He wasn't on a diet. Why should he change his eating behavior for me? Although I appreciated his willingness to do so, I also knew it was unfair to ask him not to. I needed to take responsibility for my own choices and I thought I was strong enough to resist the pizza if he did order it.

So he called Domino's and placed the order.

In the meantime, I started preparing myself mentally and physically. I made a HUGE chicken salad with fresh veggies (garden tomatoes, string beans, onions, spinach, etc.) and decided I'd eat before the pizza arrived so that my rumbling tummy wouldn't add to the beckoning of the pizza.

I repeated to myself over and over "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" and went to my closet numerous times to see my inspiration clothes (skinny jeans and a cute little jacket I used to flaunt around in). I even pulled the jacket out and slipped it on the dining room chair so I'd see it when I walked through to the kitchen where the pizza would sit.

I was ready!

Pizza arrived. As mentioned, temptation ensued in rapid succession. I resisted.

I won.

I'm so proud of myself! All of my mental work paid off. I heard the pizza talking to me and yes, it was a struggle not to have a slice or three, sneak a bite, or pinch off a topping or two. But I didn't give in. I kept repeating to myself that I was worth more than that pizza. I was worth the self-control it took to resist. I was worth fitting into that cute jacket again. I was worth seeing this through. And, the fact that there was a Thursday weigh in looming in my future really helped me continue down the right path. I said over and over "I won't give in. I won't give in. I won't give in."

It was one of the hardest evenings I've had while on plan and the pizza temptation took me back to the beginning of my journey. I remembered what it was like to eat what I wanted and I also remembered how I felt when I ate what I wanted. Not so good.

The feeling of success I have today is way more satisfying than the pizza would have been. I also feel powerful and confident instead of weak and self conscious. My weight loss goal is in the gross hairs and I'm on the hunt.

I call what happened yesterday Pizza (won't)Power. I had the willpower to say "I won't eat pizza" and I didn't. I had Pizza (won't)Power!

Oh, and by the way, that pizza (won't)power helped me lose another pound since Tuesday. Power that helps me reach my goals? Yep, that's the best kinda power to have!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in all shapes and sizes. As mentioned before and as you can see from recent posts, I love quotes. When I'm feeling a bit outta sorts, I punch a word in Google, add the word "quote" to the end, and cross my fingers that some sort of inspiration will hit me.

As of late, I've create digital word pictures that combine my inspirational quotes with pictures and other words that help keep me focused. I'm attaching one such creation.



I printed that out and posted it on my fridge. Each time I see it, I think of what those words mean to me. What am I going for in the fridge? Inspiration? If so, then this picture reminds me to find my inspiration by other means.

I'm also truly inspired by other people. I don't care how you've lost the weight ... if you've lost weight (any amount), you inspire me! We are all on this journey together and seeing others succeed inspires me to succeed. I love blogs for this very reason. When I'm feeling I can't do it, I go read about others that can and suddenly feel as if anything is possible!

TV shows about weight loss, talking with my friends about their struggles, lifting up others, visiting the counselors at THW, and even listening to music help me stay on track.

Speaking of music, have you heard this song by Michael Buble? He does such a great job on this version. I love it! It is a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life! And I'm feeling good! I hear this song and it fills me up a bit.



So, inquiring minds wanna know, where do you find inspiration? What keeps you focused and on track? What things do you do when you're at the bottom of the barrel and want to reach for food?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Down but not out!

The numbers don't lie and the truth is sweet. I'm down 4.1 since Thursday which puts my weekly weight loss (since Tuesday) at 10.8 pounds.

WOWZA! Sweet! I'll take it!

I'll also take the fact that my clothes are fitting better, it's getting easier to turn down the food temptations, and I'm starting to feel more like "me" again. The new me; the me that liked herself and was excited to take care of herself.

I opened my closet this morning and was actually excited to pick out an outfit. There's still lots in there that doesn't fit me, but it's getting better. I have choices again! I don't just have one pair of jeans that fit me, I've got three. In another 15 pounds, I'll be able to squeeze (ie lay on the bed and pray to get them buttoned) in those cute jeans I was buying for the skinnier me. I'm soooo looking forward to that day. I loved those jeans! Tight or not, the day I can slip them over my hips, I'll be wearing them! That's gonna be a great day.

However, as I'm writing this, my brain is battling me a bit by throwing in "you shouldn't have gained back any weight in the first place" and "if you were truly focused, you'd be at your ultimate goal by now with a whole new set of skinny jeans".

Those self-sabotaging statements absolutely HAVE to stop. So I'm shutting it down immediately.

Regardless of where I SHOULD be, I'm where I NEED to be, and I'm working on getting where I WANT to be. That's what matters. My body is ready for this change as is proven by the drop and I will stay positive, keep from falling into my old self-defeating behaviors, and I will succeed.

I've printed out a few inspirational quotes to help me on the journey, taped them to my monitor and office door. I'm repeating them over and over and over and over to ingrain them in my silly brain. I'm working on my thinking, changing it to be more positive and shutting down the negative self-talk so that I can relish in this last weeks accomplishment and use it to propel me forward to even more weight loss.

"Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will."
~ Zig Ziglar

"Having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can't be done."
~ Bo Bennett

"You've done it before and you can do it now. See the positive possibilities. Redirect the substantial energy of your frustration and turn it into positive, effective, unstoppable determination."
~ Ralph Marston

I like that last one the most. Positive, effective, UNSTOPPABLE determination.

YEAH!

10.8 pounds down. That's a huge accomplishment and I can't wait to see what my body does next.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Weekend Wrap Up

Being alone and on plan is almost as hard as being with someone and on plan ... just in a different way. I'd forgotten that little tidbit but was reminded this weekend when TS went hunting leaving me to my own devices for my first weekend back on plan.

When you're alone, no one is there to notice if you slip a few extras in, take a few more bites, have the additional starch, or indulge in a completely off plan treat. When someone is there and I've told them of my commitment to change, I feel obligated to see it through just in case they might notice otherwise.

Of course, on the flip side, when I'm alone, I don't have added off-plan temptation because I've grocery shopped and filled the cupboards with foods I can eat. There's no one sitting on the couch next to me, munching chips and oh so sweetly offering them to me.

I guess the truth is that being on plan is difficult no matter what the situation I'm in. It's all in how you look at it, right? Another truth though is that being focused and taking care of myself physically is rewarding too. I can't tell you how liberating it was this weekend to stick to my food plan.

Friday night was probably my hardest night and I did give into a granola bar that called to me incessantly from the cupboard. After indulging though, I felt even more empty and lonely than I had before I ate. I know it's just a granola bar, but ... the point is that I'd given in. I was disappointed in myself and vowed that for the rest of the weekend, I would stick to plan.

And I did.

I planned a few soul fulfilling activities like horse rides, time with good friends and manicures (ok, that one might not be soul fulfilling but it sure did a gal some good!) so instead of focusing on food, I focused on "me" time. I came away from the weekend truly refreshed and ready to step on the scale tomorrow.

Wow. How often do I get to say that? I'm actually looking forward to weighing in.

I feel more focused than ever and I know that I'm succeeding. The numbers tomorrow will show that too!

Friday, September 10, 2010

I deserve this

I'm a "deserved" eater. I eat because .... well ... I deserve it!

I've had a hard day and life sucks. I deserve pizza.
I'm mad at the world. I deserve chocolate.
I'm sick. I deserve chips.
I just completed a big project at work. I deserve cookies!
I just lost a pound! I deserve ice cream!
I'm stressed, happy, sad, mad, glad, anxious, etc. I deserve pizza, cookies, AND ice cream!

I blame this whole phenomenon squarely on my parents. Well, my mom really. My mom would reward herself and us kids with food (or shopping ... my other vice) every chance she got. She'd yell at us, feel guilty, and then take us to a dinner of our choice. She'd have a rough day and take us out for pie. I'd have a bad day and she'd make me homemade mac & cheese. I learned at a very young age that food wasn't just meant to sustain our bodies but also our souls and hearts. It was a substitute when life wasn't going well and a means of celebration when life was going great.

This whole thing has really put a wrench in my dieting plan. It haunts me a lot. Louder than anything else, my little brain likes to yell out "EAT IT! YOU DESERVE IT!" when tempted with chocolate, pizza, etc. It will then justify the "deserve" with a rundown of my current situation until it settles on that moments highest rated emotion that needs to be fed, or most often, pushed down.

I dealt with this in my last round of weight loss by switching my food addiction to a shopping addiction. I'd feel icky (or happy) and then I'd clothes shop because ... well ... I deserved it!

This time around, I don't want to substitute one addiction for another. I want to kick this thing. To truly kick it, I need to process, feel (ouch!) and deal with the situations in my life.

Because, at the root of it all, I deserve happiness.

I really don't want to do this weight loss thing again. It's hard, man! It's a killer! I want to figure this out this time so that when things come up, I'm running to my journal and not my fridge. I want to be healthy. I deserve that too.

I'm worth more than pizza, chocolate, and cookies. I'm worth the effort it's going to take to work through the emotions and get to the root of why I eat. I deserve to be the person I want to be outwardly and inwardly. I finally understand that and am willing to put the work in now to figure this out.

Success. Weight loss. Reaching my goals. Empowerment. Freedom from food. Good health.

That's what I deserve.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I am a CHAMPION!

Yep, I did it. I stayed true to plan, drank my water, did my exercise, and today when stepping on the scale I knew without a shadow of a doubt I'd put 100% into the last couple days.

The result? Down 6.7 pounds.

I'll take it!

Of course, I can justify a few of those pounds away with clothes, water, and women issues. Not all of it, but some of it.

As you can see, my brain is trying to come up with every reason other than my own hard work as to why I lost the weight. I have a hard time accepting that I did this. Deep down, I think I'm worried that I won't be able to do the same next week and if I can somehow pin today's drop on something else, I can then blame those same things next week when I don't drop.

How many times have I said, well, I'm not down this week because I didn't drink my water or I didn't wear the right clothes or ... whatever. In reality though, if I was 100% on plan, wouldn't I be down? Yep. Yep I would. The weeks I say those things are generally the weeks I've had a few "extras" and don't want to admit to them.

So, you know what, I'm not going to offer up any excuses or reasons this time. I need to accept this as a hard earned victory. Even if some of it was water weight, I still made decisions that helped me take it off.
  • Last night I didn't give into the sunflower seeds that would have had me retain water and extra calories for the day.
  • I made a conscious decision to down huge quantities of water (HUGE!) throughout the day.
  • When my shins were screaming at me to stop, I still powered through a four mile walk.
  • I weighed, measured, and recorded my food.
  • I passed the candy bowl multiple times and did not give in to the peanut butter cups and almond joys.
  • I didn't stop at Starbucks on my way to work.
  • I went back to THW and weighed in this morning.
  • I made a conscious effort to stay positive, focused, and dedicated to this goal.
That, to me, spells victory.

I need to take time to soak that in and believe it. In order to be successful, I need to celebrate the successes instead of focusing on the negative and sabotaging self-talk.

I'm rewarding myself tonight for staying firm and booting off 6.7 pounds. While rewarding myself, I'm going to make sure I'm repeating over and over that I made wise decisions that led to today's drop and I will make wise decisions that will lead to the rest of the weight dropping off too.

On another note, it's going to be an interesting weekend. TS is hunting so I'll have the house to myself. This normally would've sent me into a tailspin of eating so I'm already gearing up and planning other things to keep me busy. Instead of thinking of this as a lonely weekend, I'm thinking of it as a weekend of me time. I'm booking activities that I don't get to do as often when he's around such as horsey riding which will also rejuvenate my soul. For food, I'm gathering a few on-plan recipes I'd like to test out. Armed with these tools and already working on my attitude about this weekend will bring success.

The scale will go down on Tuesday too. I want to feel the wonderful feeling of victory I have right now again next week.

And I will.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Did I give 100%?

The talk given by Dan Russell (champion wrestler) at The Healthy Weigh University was phenomenal!

I went into yesterday's talk a bit of a skeptic. I mean really, what did wrestling have to do with weight loss? What would a toned athlete know about a fat gals struggle to be thin? Really? Seriously?

Turns out, I was so totally wrong. This guy had some really interesting things to say about goal setting, inspiring others, and achieving goals. He's lived an incredible life and known some incredible people that have helped him look at life in the best, most productive, way. And the truth is that a struggle is universal whether it's a struggle to lose weight or overcome adversity to win the match.

One thing he said that really struck home with me, was that at the end of the day, the champion isn't necessarily the person that takes home the medal, it's the person that puts in his personal best.

In all his matches, before he'd step onto the wrestling mat, he'd walk up to the edge of the mat and ask himself two questions.

1) Had he done all he could to prepare himself for this match?
2) Was he now prepared to give 100% on the mat?


If he answered yes to both of those questions, he would then visualize himself at the end of the match, holding his arms out in the victory stance, accepting his win. If he didn't win though, he didn't let it get him down because he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he had put forth 100% off and on the mat.

What a great concept to take to the scale!

I generally dread stepping onto that lie detector. I dread the numbers that will pop up. I worry that if the scale isn't down the right amount, I will have let myself down and have others judge me (even though they never do) for not doing what I needed to do to lose. Sometimes, that fear and dread has been the excuse that kept me from visiting The Healthy Weigh for my weigh ins.

What would happen if instead of thinking those thoughts, I asked myself the two questions Dan asked himself?

1) Had I done all I could to prepare myself for this weigh in?
2) Am I ready to give another 100% until the next weigh in?


After answering a resounding YES! to both questions, I could then visualize myself at goal. Slender, smiling, riding my horse on a victory weigh-loss-goal ride!

Stepping on the scale with a smile on my face and that visualization in my heart and mind might just help me follow through and not dread the numbers that pop up. After all, if I give 100% off the scale and the numbers don't go down as much as I'd built them up to, who cares?

I still gave 100% to the process and accomplished my own personal best. That makes me a champion. My reward is in the work and the process.

Uh-oh, I feel another quote coming on!
"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."
~ Greg Anderson

I know, I know ... there's little joy in losing weight. But there's great joy in victory and being a champion! I really believe that and am looking forward (yep, I really am!) to applying it to my little weigh in tomorrow. I've been committed. I've been putting forth 100% these last couple days.

And tomorrow, I look forward to calling myself a weight loss champion!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Restart. Accept. Charge Ahead.

It's "D-Day".

I actually stepped back on the scale this morning. Apprehension, nervousness, disappointment, and even a bit of excitement (oddly) all tripped through my head as I took a look at my numbers. I'd like to report them here, but frankly, I'm still digesting them myself. I promise to give you all the messy details once I've come to terms with them.

In the meantime, I want to just take a sec to congratulate myself for taking a step back in the right direction. I know, it's odd to congratulate ones self, but as you all know, restarting is hard ... especially when you've restarted, and restarted, and restarted before! Each time gets a little bit harder ... but ... I did it. And I'm going to keep doing it.

I know the next weeks will be hard as I readjust and refocus. Getting back into a routine will be difficult. Not derailing myself will be excruciating. I know that I will fight for each pound (or even half a pound) that comes off.

But, in fighting, I will feel empowered, inspired, and more self-confident. Those are feelings I miss terribly and will be well worth the fight that's about to take place.

It will help that today I'm also attending first of The Healthy Weigh's University courses. Today's topic, Motivation 101. How fitting!

I also found a bit of inspiration online. Being a pseudo-writer, I'm a huge lover of quotes. Having someone else's words floating through my brain throughout a day can very often keep my own negative thoughts at bay. Today the following two quotes are wafting through my brain:

"Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?"
~ Dennis and Wendy Mannering
(Pssst .... her name is Wendy too so she therefore must be a superstar!)

"It's so hard when I HAVE to, and so easy when I WANT to."
~ Annie Gottlier

Both of these statements are so true. I can't tell you how many times I've brought others down with me when I'm in a bad mood ... or how often when I'm in a good mood that I've let someone in a bad mood bring me down. Today, that changes. My attitude is inspired, motivated, and positive and I'm spreading the love!

As for the second quote, how true is that too? It's so easy for me to say no to bad food when I want to do well and lose the weight. When I don't truly want to do well, and when I'm in process of sabotaging my own efforts, saying no is hard. It's impossible. Today, it will be easy ... or at least easier. I want to lose the weight and I WANT to say no to the bad.

I WANT to be in a great mood, have a good attitude, and say YES! to weight loss.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Can I restart (yet again)?

Boy, I feel like I make a day or two of headway and then get thrown back into the whirlwind of life and completely go off track. Why doesn't life just cooperate already? This is important to me and losing this weight needs to ... well ... it needs to just HAPPEN already!

Quite honestly, I'm afraid to even utter the words "starting again" as it implies I have to commit to this and quite honestly, I can not fail again. I will not fail again.

As of late, I've not had the best track record when I've gotten jazzed to lose the weight and thrown it out to the world that "I'm baaaaack!" so I'm refraining and instead saying to myself "let's just see how this goes".

Why was it so much easier before I knew what dieting really was about? Like now that I've done it, although I know I can be successful if I commit (problem #1), I also know how much work it is to get there and my brain is refusing to be tricked into this diet thing again.

But perhaps it's not about the trick as much as it is about the doing.

Regardless, I'm learning a lot about myself in this process. I'm learning that I still have a long way to go. No matter how much weight I lose, unless I focus on the REASONS why I gained my weight, I will never be able to keep it off. Focusing on and cleaning up the reasons ... well ... that's harder than losing the weight because life hasn't stopped to let me figure this all out. Instead it's picked up it's pace. I'm being drug along behind it right now and I need to get back on my feet to run this race.

I'm facing things I've buried or thought I'd dealt with. I'm also coming to terms with who I am vs who I want to be. I'm taking a long hard look at my soul in the mirror and adjusting accordingly.

I appreciate those of you that have checked in on the blog to see how I'm doing. I'm still here. I'm growing emotionally (as is my waistline but that will change soon enough). Some of that growing needs to be taken offline as I seriously doubt everyone in internet land wants to know the intimate details. I don't even want to know about them!

Anyway, I will be back and I will complete this weight loss journey. I plan to start weekly weigh ins again soon and will be blogging once I'm a week or so into the weight loss. I need to get my passion back, hold onto it, and then I will share it with all of you lucky people.

In the meantime, I hope you all are staying strong and losing! Your losing inspires me and right now I need that inspiration!