Hi. My name is Wendy and I'm a control freak. I admit it. I try not to be, but every once in awhile, it creeps out and I forget and it slips away from me. Well, it doesn't just slip away from me ... it charges full out toward the people I love most in my life and makes their lives completely miserable.
Sadly, at my worst, I want to control even the little things in their lives. One such silly example is that I want my boyfriend to go to bed when I go to bed. Why? I couldn't tell you any good reason. I can rationalize it and say it's because that's what my parents did ... but ... really? Who cares? That's not a good reason. It's a silly reason. The man doesn't need the same amount of sleep I do ... so I should just let him sit up as late as he wants to. He's a big grown adult. He can decide when he wants to go to bed ... just like I do.
I'm very sad to admit that my controlling can get that bad but it's the truth and if I can admit my weight on a public blog, I guess I can cop to this too, right?
The weird thing about control is that in the controlling, we start to realize how truly out of control we really are which leads to more controlling and more out of control feelings and more attempts to control and then getting out of control all of which in turn leads me straight to food.
I was reminded over the weekend that my controlling tendencies need to be rounded up and controlled hence why, as of right now, I'm putting the smack down on that behavior.
I fully recognize that when I'm happiest is when I'm not focused on controlling others behavior but instead focused on controlling my own.
I think that's the very reason why I tend to want to control others though. If I can focus on controlling them, then I don't need to take a hard look at myself. In the short term, it's so much easier instead to focus on the things that are wrong with them and get those under control than to take a long, hard look at myself.
Easier in the beginning ... but impossible in the long run. And in the failing to control their behavior, I start to feel like even more of a failure in my own life.
So as of right now, I'm only responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. There is nothing else ... NOTHING ELSE! ... that I'm in control of. I'm only focused on making myself a happy, healthy, well rounded person. How others feel and what they do is up to them. It's their choice what they do and how they feel about what they do.
I have faith that if I let my boyfriend make the decision as to when he wants to go to bed, he'll make the choice that's best for him. In the meantime, I'll make the choice that's best for me and get the sleep I need in order to be fully functioning the next day.
I have faith that if I focus inwardly, I'll get my weight under control and feel healthier sooner. I won't want to run to food when I lose control because I will have full control over my own self and own behavior.
That sounds like a much better and easier way to live life. I want that.