Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Boyfriend Factor

Losing weight while in a relationship is harder. I mean, when I was single I had my own set of issues to deal with ... but ... once I'd made up my mind to lose the weight, I could fully and truly commit to doing so with little to no outside influence on my decision. I lived alone. I shopped alone. I ate alone. And therefore I was able to stick pretty close to plan.

Now that I'm living with someone, the dynamic changes a lot. Not only do I contend with my own cravings, but his cravings, and the cravings of his three kids also come into play. I'm fighting hard to keep my boundaries and not allow their food choices to impact my own. But ... man ... I gotta tell ya ... when you're just starting back again, that's HARD!

Last night was a classic situation.

I knew I'd be home late so I planned ahead and had a nice chicken salad before my afternoon appointment eliminating the need to eat at 7:30 when I got home last night. TS worked late but didn't plan, so, on his way home, he calls me from Safeway where he's picking up popsciles and treats.

"Did you need anything?" he asked nicely.

"Carrots," I muttered thinking that ice cream sounded tastier but sticking to my guns on the weight loss thing. The words "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" resounded in my head.

TS came home and proceeded to make a full dinner. After his meal, he was still hungry so he raided the cupboards where we just happen to have some chips and salsa left over from a recent BBQ. He nabed those, sat down on the loveseat next to me, and proceeded to dip, munch, chew, and murmer while he indulged in the salty goodies.

Let me tell you, the crunch of the chips was deafening. It pittered into my eardrums, bounced around in my head, and then came out the other side like an echo at the grand canyon. I was in full craving mode.

Hoping to stave off the inappropriate hunger and chips, I too raided the kitchen and found the carrots he'd purchased. Although not chips, the snap of the carrot would hopefully help combat the crunch of the chips. I was going to test it out.

This plan was working gloriously until TS so sweetly passed the chip bowl directly under my nose and said, "would you like one or two?"

Oh. My. Gosh. The smell of the greasy goodness, the sound of the crunch still in my ear ... No amount of carrot napping could stop of thunderous "YES!" that exploded from my lips.

"YES!" I almost shouted! "But no. And please don't ask me again. I know you're trying to be nice, but honestly, I can't handle it right now."

He backed off and didn't offer me any additional off plan food which I'm thankful for.

Although I appreciate the consideration, I much more appreciate the fact that when I stepped on the scale at THW, I was down 6 pounds.

The agony of passing up on the chips was so worth the big drop this week!

This weekend I'm sure I'll have to repeat the "no" to TS a few times. He's a nice guy an wants to share. I, however, can not indulge. My indulgence comes on Tuesday when I'm down another couple pounds!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Uncontrollable controlling-ness

Hi. My name is Wendy and I'm a control freak. I admit it. I try not to be, but every once in awhile, it creeps out and I forget and it slips away from me. Well, it doesn't just slip away from me ... it charges full out toward the people I love most in my life and makes their lives completely miserable.

Sadly, at my worst, I want to control even the little things in their lives. One such silly example is that I want my boyfriend to go to bed when I go to bed. Why? I couldn't tell you any good reason. I can rationalize it and say it's because that's what my parents did ... but ... really? Who cares? That's not a good reason. It's a silly reason. The man doesn't need the same amount of sleep I do ... so I should just let him sit up as late as he wants to. He's a big grown adult. He can decide when he wants to go to bed ... just like I do.

I'm very sad to admit that my controlling can get that bad but it's the truth and if I can admit my weight on a public blog, I guess I can cop to this too, right?

The weird thing about control is that in the controlling, we start to realize how truly out of control we really are which leads to more controlling and more out of control feelings and more attempts to control and then getting out of control all of which in turn leads me straight to food.

I was reminded over the weekend that my controlling tendencies need to be rounded up and controlled hence why, as of right now, I'm putting the smack down on that behavior.

I fully recognize that when I'm happiest is when I'm not focused on controlling others behavior but instead focused on controlling my own.

I think that's the very reason why I tend to want to control others though. If I can focus on controlling them, then I don't need to take a hard look at myself. In the short term, it's so much easier instead to focus on the things that are wrong with them and get those under control than to take a long, hard look at myself.

Easier in the beginning ... but impossible in the long run. And in the failing to control their behavior, I start to feel like even more of a failure in my own life.

So as of right now, I'm only responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. There is nothing else ... NOTHING ELSE! ... that I'm in control of. I'm only focused on making myself a happy, healthy, well rounded person. How others feel and what they do is up to them. It's their choice what they do and how they feel about what they do.

I have faith that if I let my boyfriend make the decision as to when he wants to go to bed, he'll make the choice that's best for him. In the meantime, I'll make the choice that's best for me and get the sleep I need in order to be fully functioning the next day.

I have faith that if I focus inwardly, I'll get my weight under control and feel healthier sooner. I won't want to run to food when I lose control because I will have full control over my own self and own behavior.

That sounds like a much better and easier way to live life. I want that.