Friday, June 11, 2010

I don't want to admit this ...

.... but my weight is up even more than I thought it was going to be.

I even thought about not admitting it on my blog and just waiting to declare my weight until I was back where I was before. Like magically none of you faithful and oh-so-smart blog readers would pick up on the fact that I'd not mentioned my current weight and my weekly weight loss totals.

Deep down though, I know that won't work. I know you all will see right through that charade and at some point call me out on it. Or at least I hope you would. This is a weight loss journal ... ya'll wanna know about weight loss! That's why you're here, right?

That's why I'm here at least.

So, with much that and after much hesitation and a zillion feelings of guilt, frusteration, and sadness, I admit publicly that my weight on Thursday was 222.8. Yes, even me, a known math hater, can do this math. My lowest was 189.7 which means I've put back on 33.1 pounds.

Ugh.

No. I mean double ugh!

I'm working hard today to not let this get me down. My guilt over letting all my fellow bloggers and readers down as well as disappointment in myself for not being perfect seems overwhelming at the moment.

I've been wallowing in the "if I would have been strong in the first place, I'd have already made it to my goal by now" pit of self-pity since I stepped off the scale. Let me tell you, that's a very hard place to reside. It's the place where food calls your name through a blow horn. It's a place that feels out of control, sad, dark, depressing, and bottomless. It's a place that I've spent a large number of my days in the past and it's one I do not want to sink too much further in now.

So, as of this moment, I'm looking on the bright side.
  1. I recognized my backslide and knew I had the tools available to me to get out of it.
  2. I know how to do this weight loss program thing. I know the plan and know I just need to work it like I've never worked anything in my whole entire life. I CAN do this because I have done it!
  3. I have some kick-butt super cute clothes at home that will inspire me to get back down to my lowest AND hit my original goal. They are calling my name far louder than any darn doughnut!
It's hard to admit the reality of the situation but I'm thankful for all the afore mentioned things.

Best of all, I'm happy to have great blog friends that support and welcome me back as well as an amazing group of ladies at The Healthy Weigh that are ready to stand behind me and help me walk down this path again.

Let's hit it!

7 comments:

  1. I think it was good that you posted it. You've acknowledged it and like you said you have the tools to make it happen.

    We are rooting for you Miss Wendy!

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  2. Well done getting it out there. :) I know, HARD, but worth it, I think. It was so very hard for me to post my start weight on my blog KNOWING all my friends and family would see it. But, I had to do it to be accountable. So here we are, all accountable-like. :)

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  3. Wendy, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was down to about 183 last fall and was back up to 215 when I weighed in at The Healthy Weigh in April. Luckily I'm back down to about 187 and I'm not looking back. It took me a while to be proud for "losing that weight again" but every little step in the downward direction is an accomplishment. You have have nothing to hide now. We understand and support you 100%!!

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  4. Two things I see here... 1- Bravery in sharing your back slide. Nobody likes to lose momentum or fall backwards. Many people don't admit it when they do so, they cower and disappear out of sight rather than face the pain of admitting diffiulty.

    2- Strength. You are strong. You used to weigh 300+, and lost well over 100 pounds. You have stregnth in you, it is there for you tap into whenever you set your mind to it & turn it on. You've proved that before. And just because you may have let up recently, don't ever forget that the strength is there, that you are strong.

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  5. Thanks everyone for the support! It's tough to admit when we've slipped, but as you've said, it's good too. It's liberating! Now to charge forward. :)

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  6. I am so glad you posted this number. It has no power over you at all now! I finished up a 30 pound weight loss about a year ago at HW but have been following your blog ever since. I noticed you didn't put the weight last week but did not want to be the one to call you out on it...thanks for sharing the joy AND the pain!

    I have lost 10 more pounds since finishing the program. I swear it will get easier eventually. This was a good step for you...MegD

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