This realization came to light this morning when I stumbled upon a pair of jeans I had forgotten about, tucked back in the back of my jeans drawer. I had tucked them there because they were getting too big and I could barely hold them up anymore but they weren't to the point of me getting rid of them just yet primarily because I'd paid good money for them and just couldn't face donating them just yet. So, they strayed to the back of the jean drawer and were forgotten about. Finding them was an inspiration this morning. Thinking those would be "just the jeans" for the day I was having, I pulled them out and tried to slip them on.
Well, let me tell you, there was no slipping happening. It was instead a lot of shoving, pulling, twisting, breath-holding, and cussing (yes, I admit a few choice words leaked out) as I tried to finagle the returned rolls back into the supposed comfy, too-big, jeans.
Once the jeans were successfully latched and I'd wiped the sweat from my brow (I swear it was more of a workout to get the jeans on than it was at the gym the previous night) I turned to face the mirror. Oh boy. Talk about muffin-top. I know that's not a nice term, but it applied in this instance. The rolls were way more prominent once smooched into a pair of now too-tight jeans and I literally spilled over the top of them. It was not pretty.
Standing there looking at the mirror and fully recognizing my rolls return made me feel defeated. My immediate thought was "How could I be losing this battle when I thought I'd come so far. I should just give up completely."
Upon that thought, I wanted to eat. And there's the cycle. Hello old friend. Nice to see you again.
I stopped myself this morning though. I took Letha's advice and followed that cycle through in m mind. Here's what would happen: I'd take off the jeans, toss them in the trash (cause it's all their fault!), then proceed to pig out on some scrumptious morsel. After I'd stuffed my face, I'd sit on the couch and feel icky. I'd feel icky about my body because of the rolls I'd just added to the other rolly friends and I'd feel icky about my psyche because I couldn't resist the temptation to splurge again. I'd continue to feel icky through the rest of the day and that feeling would continue to drive me to eat which would in turn perpetuate the cycle yet again. Sooner or later, I'd be over 300 pounds again.
I soooooo don't want to take it that far in reality. I want to win this battle.
It's somewhat ironic that tomorrow I have an appointment with Letha at THW. This appointment was set up sometime last week and seems quite perfectly timed. Last week she contacted me to do some website updates and this was the soonest we could connect. Ironic .. or is it?
Part of my problem is that I've stopped weighing in twice a week at THW and I think for me that accountability is key to staying on plan. It's so easy to make excuses when no one is looking at my weight but me. I can always "eat better tomorrow" or "start my diet later". But can I? No. I obviously can't right now and thus need assistance from others way better at this stuff than me!
I am really scared to face the scale tomorrow. I have no doubt I've put on 10 - 15 pounds. I might even have put on 20 which would mean I'm now 50 pounds to my goal weight. That sucks. A lot.
I refuse to let that stop me from going tomorrow though and so I will trudge into the meeting prepared for some bad news about my current state of affairs all the while knowing that since I've set my mind on doing this, I will do it.
I'm on the hunt for continued motivation and personal strength. I have a touch of it back today and plan to add to it tomorrow.
I feel I've said this before but it feels different today so I'm repeating it over and over to boost my resolve.
I will do this.
I will do this.
I will do this.
I am doing this.
I will win this.
I am winning this.