I so don't want to write this post. In fact, I've been debating how I could write it without really writing it and thus not owning up to my "up"-dated numbers.
Perhaps I could just tell you all I'm "up just a little" and be done with it. Like somehow if I don't admit to the number on my blog it won't be real. It would just be a bump in the road and you all wouldn't have to know just how far I've slipped.
The thing is though, that the more I thought about hiding the weight gain, the more I felt like the old Wendy. The 300lb Wendy that hid from people and didn't like to go out in public. The Wendy that didn't like herself very much. The Wendy that wouldn't face the numbers on the scale back in the beginning.
The more I thought about hiding the updated number, the more I felt I was slipping backwards. I felt that if I didn't admit the weight gain here, I would further let myself down and perpetuate the problem.
So, with that (drum roll please) ....
My new reality is that I'm back up to 213.8.
My goal remains the same. I'd like to be 157 which means I have a total of 56 pounds to lose. That's approximately 28 weeks as I plan to lose 2ish pounds a week. That means I'll be done with this in approximately 7 months. Finishing this in 7 months puts me at goal sometime in October.
Oh boy. That seems like forever away for me. I just worked that all through just now and it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.
Must. Re. Focus.
My dad used to always say that time will go by regardless of if we're reaching towards our goals. So, the truth is that it will be Oct. sooner or later regardless of whether or not I'm at my goal weight. How crappy would I feel if Oct. arrived and I still wasn't at goal? Now, how good would I feel it Oct. came and I was at goal?
In some respects, I'm happy I've relapsed. I don't know that at 300 pounds I would have been able to stop this cycle. I wouldn't have understood how much better it felt to be 187 or even 167. I do now. I get it. And I want it again. I want to be skinny and happy and healthy. I've had a taste and I so prefer that life to the one that I had before. I will not go back.