Friday, January 29, 2010

The "D" Word

What is it about the word diet that incites cravings?

Each time I tell myself I'm on a diet, the cravings kick in full force. I even crave things I don't normally like! My body goes into instant starvation mode and suddenly everything, anything, and anytime I'm battling some kind of silly weight loss battle.

I am, in fact, in a craving mode right now. Currently the vending machine is calling to me.

The funny thing is that treats in said machine aren't really that great tasting. They've been sitting in the machine for years ... literally. I slipped up awhile ago and splurged on a payday. I opened it expecting sweet and salty chocolately goodness and instead got almost-turned-white chocolate crumbly badness. Upon inspection I learned that the bar had expired two years ago. Yes, veeeeeeeeery disappointing but I still nibbled on the peanuts 'cause, well, I didn't want to waste the money, right?

As I sit here and relate my craving to you, it seems so silly. I mean, I know that what I'm grabbing from the machine will not taste good not only because likely it's expired but because it will not satisfy my overall craving. After I'm done consuming it, I'll feel worse about myself for having given in. I will feel weak, helpless, and powerless.

I also know that if I stay strong through the craving, eventually, they will all go away or at least become more manageable. Each time I say "no", I'm exercising my will power muscle and eventually it will be strong enough to stamp down any craving before it gets me carried away.

In this moment though, my will power muscle is weak and I'm close to floundering.

I think to get through this I'm going to need to do some sit ups, a few push ups and after that, while I eat my apple, I'll think about why I'm on this journey. All of this instead of focusing on what I can't have.

As Letha says, "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". And she's sooooo right!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Numbers Update

Just a quick note today as the day has already started to get away from me and I need to try and catch it before it slips further from my grasp.

I weighed in this morning and was down 2+ pounds. Excellent news! And the perfect shot in the arm I needed to continue down the weight loss path.

Knowing I was down 2+ pounds actually helped me turn down the scones at Starbucks and stick instead with my skinny latte.

It's amazing how the brain works. It's so hard to get the motivation to lose but once the weight starts coming off, that is incentive enough to stay on the path.

Anyway, I'm jazzed to be losing again and proud of myself for making it 100% on plan for two whole days.

I can't wait to see what good news Tuesday's weigh-in will bring!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Boy is in the HOUSE!

Living with someone sure does change the diet situation.

TS and I both want to lose weight and we've been working on it together off and on. The thing is, I've been using him as an excuse to eat badly. He eats pizza, I eat pizza. He eats ice cream, I eat ice cream. He eats a burger ... hmmm ... yeah, you get where this is going.

Now I'm not blaming him for my poor eating habits of late. I fully recognize that it's me that's making the choice to eat those things. He's not holding a gun to my head and even if he were, I'd still have a choice. It is however a pretty darn good excuse when I happen to be looking for one.

When I lived alone, I had no off-plan foods in my house. I didn't buy extra melba snacks, almonds, trail mix, bread, etc. My house was filled with only healthy things. That eliminated a lot of my snacking tendencies because there wasn't anything around to snack on. Now that I'm living with someone that does some of the grocery shopping, that's changed a little bit. He still buys healthy things, but he buys things that aren't on plan. Like trail mix. With M&Ms. And cashews. Trail mix. Yummmmmmmmy.

Whereas before the food called to me only when I was at the grocery store and on a mission (read that as easier to say no to), now it's calling to me while I'm sitting on the couch, alone, bored, watching tv, nothing else to do but get up and stuff my face.

TS is a snacker too, like me. So when he's home and tired, his first response is to get up and get a snack. He'll sit on the couch next to me and munch ... and, like a considerate boyfriend, he offers to share by sticking said yummy treats directly under my nose and close to my quivering lips.

Again though, I know I'm an adult and can resist the temptations. I know that, and yet, I don't.

I mean, I didn't.

I am now.

Right now I'm focused on breaking the routines. Instead of sitting on the couch and watching from the corner of my eye while he munches, I get up and do sit ups to resist the urge to snack. I down a bunch of water so that I can't fit one more thing inside. So far, it's working but I realize this is a battle I'll need to continue to fight as I reach my goal. He doesn't need to diet when I do. That's not fair to him and it's not in my backpack to force him to change.

I can, however, force myself to change and that's where my focus is these days.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

As an aside ...

This came through today from NPR and I found it an interesting and quick read.

Perhaps we should be exercising the "willpower" brain muscle more often!

NPR: Willpower and the 'Slacker' Brain

Let's Roll

Why is it that picking back up the dieting thing is harder than it was to start in the first place?

When I started out, I wasn't exactly giddy about the diet thing ... but I was committed. I had made a decision and cut myself off from any other possibility. It was a done deal. No if's and's or but's about it.

But lately, ok for like months, that's not been the case. And this sad fact was reflected back at me on the scale this morning when I trudged my butt back into The Healthy Weigh to get back on plan. I'm up to 204.

Yes, that's right, I'm out of one-derland.

I knew when I went in this morning that I'd be up quite a bit. I haven't been dedicated to staying on plan and even though my gall bladder has been screaming at me to stick with it and stay healthy, my brain has been screaming louder and obviously sometimes it's winning out.

So pizza, cake, pie, beer, wine, candy, etc. etc. etc. have all reappeared back into my life.

It's such a silly cycle and I recognize it each time it's about to start. I crave something. I tell myself no. I crave it more. I keep saying no. My brain throws an intense tantrum and in the end I give in. After giving in though, I feel worse. I feel like a failure. I feel fat. I feel worthless.

So why can't I seem to remember all those things and just stick with my no?

Because I was making a choice not to. For whatever reason, I've not wanted to follow through on this journey.

That's changing today and is reflected in my decision to step back on the scale.

Going into The Healthy Weigh and facing the scale was a hard thing. I've been psyching myself up about it for about a week. A lot of self-talk has gone on so that I could calm my nerves and walk through those doors. I knew the scale would be up and I was prepared to tackle whatever number appeared.

I'm choosing not to view this as a failure or a set back but a continuation of the journey. Thank goodness I'm catching my backslide now instead of 20, 10, or even 2 pounds from now.

I'm returning to the core of the program and what was successful for me when I started. I'm back to blogging, writing down my food, working out (including daily walks), and recommitting to this journey.

When I blogged faithfully, it helped me stay on track. I was accountable and I need that in order to stay focused so I'm counting on all of you to help me along. The support and encouragement I get from the blog is amazingly helpful and I so appreciate you all for that.

So, I'm looking forward to reconnecting with all my blogging buddies again and booting off this weight along with you.

Recommitting is hard, but it can be tremendously rewarding when it's successful. Nothing good ever came easy, right?

So ... are you ready to roll again with me?

Here we go!