Friday, December 18, 2009

The Gall of the Gallbladder

My silly gallbladder has decided to start acting up. What I didn't know about the gallbladder is that when people lose a large amount of weight over a quick period of time, they are more likely to develop gallstones which, if passed, can be extremely painful. Think of going through childbirth and having a few kidney stones at the same time ... or so I've been told.

What do I know for sure is that when I'm in the middle of a gallbladder attack, I'm in horrendous pain. I'm literally writhing around on the ground in tears. That's saying something because ... well .. I'm a cowgirl and cowgirls are generally tough! Not so much so when the gallbladder kicks into gear.

I've had a couple doctors appointments and hope to get to the bottom of this soon. Most likely a small surgery will be in my future. It's a very routine procedure now days so I'm not too worried about it.

The ironic part to me is that when I was eating badly, I didn't have gallbladder issues. In fact, my doctor told me that to avoid future attacks I should eat a lowfat diet immediately but ... um ... really .... yeah ... already doing that so that helpful little tidbit hasn't been so helpful.

Regardless, these are things I wish I would have known when I was on my way up to being heavy. I wonder if someone had told me all the health complications I was going to or could encounter because of my weight if I would have made better choices ages ago. Would I have changed my behavior had I known that I'd have gallbladder issues eventually? Or have stretchmarks that would never go away? Or how about if I knew I'd have flabby skin on my arms no matter how much I worked out?

Hmmm... who knows.

For now I'm not getting caught up in the negatives of these things and instead embracing them as reminders of how far I've come.

Yeah so my gallbladder isn't something I'm completely embracing yet (let's wait until the pain goes away) and the flabby arms thing is still under consideration as well.

But these are all gentle reminders that had I not made the life changes I did when I did ... well ... things would have been way worse than what they are now.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Weightlifting and Weight Loss

So my wish for the first pound off by Thursday didn't materialize but that's ok ... it will happen. I have faith!

I was actually up three pounds yesterday from Tuesday. How is that possible? Inquiring minds wanna know! I'm equating it to water retention since I was 100% on plan Tuesday and Wednesday. I have been drinking more because of the record setting cold and dry weather here. I've been craving water. I can't seem to drink enough of the stuff and I think my body has been storing some of it "just in case". It's the only explanation I can come up with so I'm holding onto it to keep me sane and focused.

I feel better physically when I make wise food choices and I'm remembering that as I pass by the office break room filled with "special" holiday treats.

My workouts are going good too. Last night I pushed myself farther and harder and set a new personal best in my weightlifting. I was able to do a 115# clean and jerk (c&j) for 5 reps. Pretty darn cool! See below for an example of a c&j.

I'm finding that weightlifting is very much a mental game. Much like weight loss actually. If I allow my brain to utter one teeny tiny negative thought before I attempt the maneuver, the likelihood of me completing is goes down significantly. In fact, last night I was psyching myself out over the last three of my c&j's. I started getting into the rut of "I can't" and "I'm going to hurt myself" and "I'll never be able to do these perfectly".

As soon as I made those comments to myself, they became reality. I tried four times to get the last three of my c&j's but couldn't even make it to the clean (bringing the bar to my chest). My trainer suggested I go down in weight but as she started to pull of weight, I stopped her. I knew that if I went down in weight, I'd be disappointed when I walked out of the gym. I'd feel like a failure and my negative self-talk would have won out.

I only had three more of these darn things to do! I could do it. And I needed to focus, buckle down, and make it happen.

And I did.

I walked out of the gym feeling so successful. Like I'd just won something super duper cool or something. I did in fact win something super duper cool ... self-confidence.

That's a great feeling.

That's how I'm going to feel when I accomplish my weight loss goal too and that's inspiring.

I'm drawing inspiration from my win in the gym last night and focusing on the fact that if I stick with this then my determination will see me through to the end.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Starting Again

Time for me to get real, my blogging buddies. I put my weight loss on hold for awhile and let life carry me away.

But, I'm happy to report that even though I wasn't losing, I also wasn't gaining. I went from 189.2 a few weeks ago to 189.3 this morning. I'll take that!

Today I'm once again back on the dieting thing which I'm finding is even harder the second time around.

The first time I committed to this was filled with excitement and anticipation but this time it's twinged with dread at knowing what's ahead of me. No more beer, no more wine, no more cheese, no more extra starch (darn melbas!). Instead my food life will be filled with more calorie counting, saying no, and fighting with myself over silly food related issues.

I'm also finding that this go-round is filled with even more temptation. Whereas before I didn't really recognize the McDonald's signs going down the road and donuts in the break room, this time they beckon to me from across the building and across town. Seriously, I've developed a "donut sense" and now can recognize instantly when a donut enters my building.

I attribute this to the fact that during my hiatus I opened the door to the kitchen (and my stomach) a crack by shaking hands with a pizza slice or two and kissing on a bit of ice cream once or twice. That was enough to let the french fries and donuts know that I was available for the taking and believe me, they are not taking no for an answer!

So, as you can see, I'm working hard to change my thinking right now. If I can buckle down and not buckle under this pressure, I'll succeed. I know that when I see that next pound melt away I'll be even more motivated but in the meantime, I must stay focused and committed.

Today I'm congratulating myself on not gaining and am now focused on drinking water to fill my grumbling belly and engaging my mind to fill my grumbling brain.

30 pounds left to go until I'm at my goal. That's reasonable, doable, and within reach so I'm going to reach out and grab it.

Today, I'm raising my hand. Tomorrow I'll take a step forward and each day I'll progress until I've reached the end of my journey.