Ok blogger buddies. It's time to get real. Time to open up and pour out so that I can officially move on.
I've been avoiding my blog. Obviously. I mean, like I can't even pretend to hide that little tidbit because ... well ... if I'm not writing ... I'm obviously avoiding. Obviously.
The reason for the avoidance? I'm just not into the whole diet thing these days. I'm tired, bored, unenthusiastic and those horrible negative self tapes are running rampant through my brain. The thing is that over the last couple weeks I've been letting them win instead of booting them out the door.
Honestly, I'm not sure why but I can't seem to put them behind me. I hit my year mark and 30 pounds left to lose and suddenly the world stopped. Literally. Did you feel it? Ok, ok so perhaps just my world stopped.
Let me tell you though, those negative self-tapes are destructive. I'm hearing things like "even if I lose this weight, I'll never be beautiful so why bother finishing this?" and "even if I lose this last 30 pounds, that doesn't mean I'll be successful at keeping it off, so why even bother?" and "just one teeny tiny piece of candy won't hurt me" followed by "well, I already cheated today so why even bother the rest of the day?".
Oh boy. See the trend?
With all of this turmoil, I've not really been gaining. In fact, through all this wishywashyness I've actually done quite a good job of maintaining. Up just a little. Down just a little. But sticking pretty close to where I have been over the last month or two.
And even though I know why I'm not losing, I'm depressed by the fact that I'm not. What a catch-22! I'm sabotaging myself and yet I'm annoyed with the fact that I'm not losing. Oh goodness. What a vicious cycle this whole weight thing is.
At the moment, I'm not 100% sure how to bring myself back in line. I'm working on it each day and I'm hoping that by being honest in my blog, I'll be better able to push through. I'm waking up with renewed energy and focus, writing down my foods, keeping up on my workout routine, and setting goals for myself at each turn.
I realize that I need to see this through and that if I can manage through this low, I'll come out stronger and more capable than before.
It's a matter of doing and persevering.
Head down. Nose to the grindstone. Focus. Determination.
I'm repeating that to myself over and over these days in hopes it brings me the resolve that I need to complete this journey.