It's official. I'm dating someone. Scary, but true. Like we've had "the talk" and stuff so I feel that I can now officially put it out there that I have a boyfriend.
I really should add this to the "couldn't wouldn't" list because frankly speaking, I only had a handful of poor relationships over the past couple years. Most of them were filled with anxieties and second guesses because I was so insecure. They would compliment me and I'd defeat that compliment with a million little buts.
You know what I mean, right?
The poor guy would say he thought I was pretty and I'd shoot back with "yeah, pretty fat". Um, really? Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did.
I was insecure, unhappy, and unhealthy. I didn't want to hear nice things about me and took every opportunity to instead bash myself. In my mind, I was just verbalizing what they were thinking. What they verbalized to me was certainly all a lie or manipulation because I was unworthy of good things.
I also questioned why they would want to be with me in the first place. I kept thinking that if he only knew me, he wouldn't want me.
So thinking such things, I'd sabotage the relationship before they even knew what hit them. After all, if I ended things and made him go away, I would be right and sometimes, when you're insecure, it's all about being right even when you're wrong.
Whew! Can you say ISSUES!
Needless to say, none of those relationships lasted very long.
This time I'm doing things a bit differently. TS (as I'll refer to him for anonymity sake) is different and I'm different when I'm with him.
All the work I've done over the last year has helped to increase my confidence. I feel deserving of the compliments he offers not because I believe them about myself (hopefully that will come in time) but because I know he believes them. He tells me I'm beautiful and I actually say "thank you". I take it in and enjoy the fact that he finds me beautiful and attractive.
There are about a million little things I could write to outline how the new me is different in this relationship. Things like when he puts his arm around my waist, I don't instantly start thinking of my rolls, how I know I deserve the roses he brings for me, how I smile and accept the compliments he offers, etc. but if I go into all those things I'll get all mushy and stuff and that's a little much to handle this early in the morning.
So, instead, I'll just say that for once I'm looking forward to embracing my new relationship with optimism and excitement. Who knows where this will take me but I'm so ready!