Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Stepping Back to Reality

Oh boy! Stepping on the scale in front of the team challenge participants made me weak in the knees yesterday!

I know I haven't been as on plan as I should be ... that's no surprise. But to be the first person in the noon group to get a "wuhaw" (forgive the spelling any army guys out there) because I was "up just a little" .... yeah, um, painful!

Ugh. So not something I ever want to hear again.

The good news is that I'm once again refocused and committed. I will not be hearing the whole room chant "wuhaw" ever again. Ever. Never ever. I know they say never to say never but I do mean never. Ever. Never ever ever. Did I happen to mention that I'll never hear it again?

Ok, I think you've got the idea.

There's such a difference between halfheartedly committing to something all the while making up excuses as to why you can't do it and wholeheartedly embracing the process and pushing through it. The last couple weeks I've been halfheartedly in this weight loss thing. I've been tired, antsy, and unmotivated. As a result, my weight has gone up, down, and all around. I've tossed out silly questions (yes, there is such a thing and Letha has confirmed it) such as can I really do this? and how much longer do I really need to keep going? and will I even be able to keep this off anyway? And in so doing have successfully gotten caught up in a serious case of agitation and weight-loss stalling.

This week though, I'm wholeheartedly committed to seeing this though. After all, I only have 30 pounds to lose. 30 pounds, when I've lost 120, is nothing. If I can bang this out, I'll be done.

As part of my renewed focus and to get a ticket in the drawing this week, I finally put together my weight loss vision.

Picture me, 30 pounds lighter, wearing a size 6, comfortable with who I am, loving the life that's present in that moment, and feeling empowered because I've accomplished such an amazing goal.

The last bit is what puts me over the edge. The feelings of empowerment, control, success, and awe that will fill me when I finally hit my 150 pound weight loss goal will be worth all the headaches, skipping of gummy worms and afternoon lattes that will need to happen over the coming weeks.

On September 25, I had officially been on my weight loss path for a year. I was going to mark the occasion with a big post about the whole thing but truthfully haven't done that because I haven't felt all that excited about it. Today I feel excited.

The thing is though, it's not important to note how long I've been going in this direction but instead to celebrate the fact that it's slowly - and with each struggle like the ones I've just gone through - becoming more of a life choice and habit.

This is who I am.

I love the quote that says: I'm not what I could be and I'm not what I should be but thank goodness I'm not what I used to be.

I love that. It's my motto these days and I'm stickin' to it!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A New Day

I woke up today with a renewed energy. I love it when that happens! I woke up thinking that this was going to be a great day, I would be able to tackle the weight loss demons once again, and come out successful at the end of it.

This is day one of the team weight loss challenge for me.

I'm a bit nervous about my noon weigh in. I generally go first thing in the morning so I'm sure that going in at noon will somewhat mess up my numbers a bit. Although, to be honest, I've been doing a good job of messing up my own numbers lately by not being consistent in my eating and exercise! So, I'm going to take the day in stride and just realize that whatever the scale says today, it will say something a lot less by next Tuesday.

I'm going back to the basics of the plan and working every single angle that I can. That means I'm weighing, measuring, and writing everything down. Those are the things I did when I was truly successful and those are the things I need to continue if I want to stay on track.

With that, my friends, welcome to Tuesday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Bring on the Challenge!

After much pondering, I've decided to join the challenge after all. I'm coming into it a week late so I'm not sure how that will bode for me over time however I've been waffling for the last couple weeks and now it's time to just do it!

The challenge will hold me accountable to my weight loss goals. There's nothing more motivating than weighing in front of a room full of people and them learning that you're up or down accordingly. For me, it's painful to have others know that I didn't do my best for the week. That's pretty intense motivation to stick to plan and get these last pounds gone. As Letha says, we do things out of our desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Since it's painful for me to be "up just a little" in front of others, I know that I'll be seeking pleasure by doing all I can to be down each week.

In addition, TS is very interested in doing the challenge too. It surprised me that he's wanting to do it but even more so it surprised me that I was willing to do it with him! 10 weeks of a weight loss challenge is going to be intense ... but fun too. I think it will bring us closer together and really, what better way to introduce someone to my new life than by fully immersing them in it, right? We're fairly new daters but I see good things coming from this challenge and for that I'm thankful and excited. We are so going to rock it!

Today we meet with Letha to review the program and get TS started on the plan. Tomorrow is our first weigh-in and then we're hitting the ground running.

I'm ready. I'm geared up. I'm motivated. I'm excited. And I'm gonna kick some weight loss challenge butt!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

What is my vision?

I went to the vision refresh class yesterday and it really made me think. Of course, 90% of what Letha says applies to my life right now. It seems that no matter what I'm going through, if I drag myself to a class, I find something that inspires and re-motiviates me to continue on. It's a struggle sometimes to fit the classes into an already hectic schedule, but when I do, I always leave with new tools to get me through.

Yesterday the class was about vision.

I didn't ever really have a clear vision of what I wanted when I finished this process and I still don't have one. That's an issue. If I don't know what I'm working towards, how will I know when I've reached the goal? Is this journey truly about a "number" or size?

Not so much.

It's about living the life I want to live and being the person I want to be.

So, what does that look like? Specifically, what am I hoping to be in another 30 pounds?

If I'm to finish this successfully, I need to figure that out. I need to take some time and really nail down my vision.

As Letha said in the class, instead of being a woman in search of a vision, I need to be a woman with a vision.

I'm dedicating time this weekend to really seeing the me I want to be when I'm done with this weight loss. I have a feeling that nailing that down might help me reach the goal.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

100% on Plan

Yesterday I was 100% on plan.

Yeah me!

The negative self-talk seems to have left the building at least for the moment and I'm hoping that I'm fighting back to being on the winning side of losing.

My workout was great and I'm feeling it today which I'm also happy about. The combo of eating right and working out really helped see me through the day.

It was a rough day though. I am truly a person that gets addicted to carbs and sugars. When I cut them out of my diet it's amazing how badly my body then craves for them. The call of an afternoon Starbucks and sour gummy worms was almost debilitating. I ignored the call though and felt so much stronger for doing so.

I also noticed that my workouts are sure a lot easier when I've been on plan all day. My body has more energy. I also have an easier time mentally. Since I've combated the cravings successfully, I am more likely to combat the "I can'ts" as well.

I'm taking it one day at a time right now and celebrating each day that I'm successful. So, today, it's mini-party time for my successes yesterday.

Focus. Determination. And dedication. That's my agenda for today.

Changing My Thinking

Ok, folks. I have a serious case of stinkin' thinkin'.

Yesterday in my workout I said more "I Can'ts" than should be humanly allowed. I told myself I couldn't complete the runs. I said to myself that I was weak. I kept thinking that I'd never make it through the hour. I kept repeating to myself how much I hated burpees. I kept saying that working out this hard didn't benefit my body. And thus, given all this, I struggled through the workout big time.

I struggled in my food consumption too. I craved all day. From melba toast (yippee) to gummy worms to licorice to extra protein ... it was on my brain and if not in my mouth, very close to it. Had goodies been available in the break room (which thankfully they were not) I would have been off plan in a heartbeat. As it was, I did go off plan with an afternoon Starbucks (that's become routine and must stop) and sour gummy worms from Safeway.

Today, instead of focusing on the activities of losing weight, I'm solely focused on my own mental state.

After 120 pounds, I've realized that 90% of weight loss is mental. It's about being positive, upbeat, and dedicated to making it through this process. That's the key. Telling myself that I can do this, will help me actually do it.

I've noticed that lately I've been outwardly saying "I will do this" but inwardly questioning whether or not I will.

Today I'm no longer questioning or offering fluff to my faithful blog readers. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm committed to seeing this through.

So, to help me with this, I'm over and over repeating that I can do this. I will do this. And there is no other option.

As Letha would say, I've made a decision and I'm officially cutting myself off from any other possibility.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Workouts and Food

I'm sorry I've been a bad blogger the last couple days. Life happened and my blogging took a backseat for a few days.

As mentioned, I've started a new workout schedule and this week marks the first installment of my workout plan. Last week I worked out at the gym twice and wogged every day. That just about killed me. My legs were so sore that I was walking crooked and hunched over all week.

I've found that I'm not a very good gauge of my limits. My trainer asks if I have enough weight on the bar, I say I think so, she says no, adds more, then I end up dying by the time I've done 20 squats with 60 pound weights.

This week will push me further. I'm working out at the gym 3 days this week plus still doing my wogs. I'm going to temper my workouts with a bit of moderation though. As much as I want to gain muscle and fight the flab, I also want to be able to walk ... minor detail I know!

The other danger I'm facing this week is my food intake. I have a tendency to eat more because I'm working out more. I "justify" it in my head. Not good. That's the whole point of working out is to burn more calories! Not to justify adding in more calories!

So this week, along with preparing my body to kick some butt in the gym, I'm also preparing my brain to stay on the right food track. The only way I'll kick off the rest of the weight is to stay focused 100% of the time. I'm finding that as I get closer to my goal, the more each bite counts.

My two goals this week:
  • Back to basics - Weighing, measuring, and consuming only on plan foods.
  • Kick it up a notch - Workout three times at the gym and wog every day
Let's get it started!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Biggest Loser 8

Is everyone watching this season of The Biggest Loser? I find that show so incredibly inspiring. I see those people struggling with the things I struggle with, pull through it, and be successful and that encourages me to do the same.

Granted, they're living on an isolated ranch with access to personal trainers and nutritionists 24/7 ... that's not my life. But, does it matter? The fact that they're losing and changing their lives so drastically is incredible.

Yesterday, when they were showing the gym workouts, I could so relate to Shay. She was struggling. She wanted to quit. She did quit. She walked out of the gym and almost didn't go back in to finish the workout. But she did.

I loved what Jillian had to say to her about not being a victim any more. Isn't that the truth? We use our weight as an excuse not to be successful. That's a victim mentality and one that I so do not want to have any longer.

I struggled in my gym workout yesterday too so perhaps that's why Shay's struggle hit home with me last night. I fought for every knee/elbow, thruster, and step of my run. The good news is that I fought.

As Jillian said to Shay, if we want to be successful, we need to push the negative thoughts out of our heads and start pushing harder to accomplish our goals. If we start thinking that "we can't" then we won't.

But if we start thinking "we can" then we will.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Team Challenge or Not Team Challenge?

This week I'm faced with a challenge ... literally.

The Healthy Weigh's team challenge kicks off next week and I'm thinking of entering it again. The issue is that I'm sitting comfortably at my current weight and I'm seriously lacking motivation to complete the journey. I'm wondering what getting the last 30 pounds off will do for me.

I mean, I'm dating a man that thinks I'm beautiful. I'm wearing cool and pretty clothes in normal people sizes. I'm confident. I'm happy. My life seems to be so far exactly as I thought I'd want it to be at goal weight.

What more could I want out of life with 30 fewer pounds? Would it be all that different?

I say these things to myself and then remember that perhaps it's not about the actual 30 pounds as much as it is about the completion of the journey and accomplishing a goal.

I've always been a goal setter. I've not always been a goal accomplisher.

This is my opportunity to be a goal accomplisher.

I keep thinking of how amazing it will feel to have set the 150 pound loss goal and then actually reach it successfully.

That in and of itself should be my motivation.

If I join the team challenge, it's realistic to think I could lose at least 25 pounds over the course of those 10 weeks. At the end of those 10 weeks, I could be 5 pounds from my final goal. 5 pounds. Wow. That's incredible.

Could I lose this weight without the team challenge? Of course. But the motivation of weighing in, in front of a room of people, and then having a teammate that's counting on me to be honest and true to our progress will also motivate and push me forward.

Truthfully, the only thing holding me back from the commitment is me.

Decisions. Decisions.

Today I'm repeating over and over that I will and can be successful in accomplishing my goals. This last 30 pounds has to be a priority. I absolutely must finish what I've so diligently started.

Focus is my mission.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Returning to the Gym

Ok, my first workout after a month hiatus is now tucked under my belt and officially in the books. I've really missed it. Isn't that crazy? I have though. There's something about that "oh boy I can't even move without aching" thing that really gets me. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess but I can't help but think that each time I feel that pain, I'm doing good things for my body in the long run.

I was happy to find that I hadn't slid as far backwards as I thought I might have although there was a change in my ability to do the weights. They were suddenly a lot harder! Had we been doing squats, I probably would have been fine! But weights were hard work. The pull-ups just about killed me, the rowing thingys were painful, and the overhead weight things about turned me inside out.

It was awesome.

My new workout schedule is wogging 4 miles Monday - Friday. I'll hit the crossfit workout on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

I'm looking forward to some solid results soon!

In the meantime, I'm also recommitted to my diet this week. I've had a hard time keeping my focus on the weight loss and that's changing this week. Some awesome groceries are inspiring me to cook and be better prepared for the week.

And with that, I see a good drop in my future!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Going Back to the Gym

It's been awhile since I've been to the gym.

I have been wogging every day and have been pushing harder and further with the jogging portion of the wog. But for some reason, after my workout sessions with the trainer ended, I've just not been motivated to go back and hit the gym as hard as I was.

That's changing this week though. I'm actually really missing my hard workouts. I find myself wondering if I can still do 75 push-ups in 2 mins. Wondering if the jogging I'm doing would make my 400m run faster and easier. In the last month, how have my muscles grown or shrunk? Would workouts be harder? Or easier?

So, with that, I'm scheduling back in my personal training sessions starting this week. It's my 120 pound reward. I want to lose the weight, but I also want to tone and strengthen. I love feeling strong and powerful and the workouts help me feel that way.

I'm looking forward to getting my butt kicked in the gym this week. I'm ready for the muscle soreness that comes from a hard workout. So, bring it on! I'm ready to get it done!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Food is the Frenemy

I did well over the weekend food wise. I've realized though that loneliness is one of my biggest triggers.

TS went on a last minute camping trip with some buddies for the weekend and I was therefore left alone, at home, with the rain, and nothing to do to fill up my days. That left me with a feeling of loneliness and of course, for me, that brought on some pretty strong cravings. Normally I would have used this as an opportunity to get out and be active but with the heavy rains we experienced, that wasn't an option.

There were so many times over the weekend that I battled with myself over food. Silly really but somehow my brain was trying to convince me that if I stuffed my face, I'd somehow not be alone. Like food would be my friend.

Well, as I've come to realize slowly but surely, food friendships are fleeting. Food is a "frenemy" (half friend more enemy). It's great when it's right in the moment but over time it hurts me, stabs me in the back, and makes me miserable. Truly more enemy than friend.

I'm happy to report that I successfully turned down all food temptation and instead choose to deal with my feelings. By the time Monday rolled around, I felt like a whole new woman. Having dealt with the feelings of loneliness (admitted to them, journaled about them, and then dealt with them accordingly), I was able to turn down my frenemy and close that door on the cycle.

Last night TS took me out to dinner at a pizza joint. I then made a choice to have some pizza with my salad. It was different though than giving into a temptation and over indulging to stuff down an emotion or feeling. This was a choice and I didn't go overboard. I had one slice which I enjoyed to the last bite. Treating it as a choice instead of a temptation meant there was no guilt afterwards.

Food isn't friendship, love, companionship, or the solution. Working through that is tough though. I'm thankful I'm at the point where I can recognize what my triggers are and that I can then combat them when they rear their ugly heads.

Not saying I'm perfect ... but who cares! Here's to progress!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Labor Day Pains

Oh another long weekend with lots of food opportunities and disasters waiting to happen.

Why is that holidays seem to taunt the dieter in us? Why is that on holidays we all obsess about food and eating and "treating" ourselves? Why is that treating ourselves means eating whatever we want whenever we want without thinking about how we'll all feel on Tuesday?

I'm promising myself that this weekend won't be that for me. In fact, I'm promising my friend Carrie that too. We're promising each other that we're going to be on target and on task the entire weekend.

I'm hoping for at least a pound drop by Tuesday and that's totally doable if I stay focused and 100% on plan. I've said that I would call Carrie if at anytime this weekend I feel the urge to splurge and vice versa. Hopefully, by calling each other, we'll help keep ourselves on track.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend! I'll be back blogging again on Tuesday.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Gearing up for the 8's

I'm in a size 10 and I never thought I'd be this small. I am so it's cool. 10's are comfortable and some are still kinda tight. It's what's in my closet now and I'll never go back to the 12's.

Today though, I'm focused souly on getting out of the double digits. My friend Holly said that to me one time (I think I was a 12 or something) and it's stuck with me. There is something final about going from a 10 to an 8.

Size 8 seems small. It's a medium top. I don't mind telling people I'm a medium. Coming from a size 3xl and size 26/28, medium is equal to teeny-tiny-itty-bitty-itsy-bitsy. I will be shouting out from the rooftops when I hit a size 8 and wear a medium.

Seriously. I know you all doubt this statement, but it's the truth. It's going to happen.

For awhile now, when I've found something cute in my current size, I've ended up buying the next size down just so that I have something to look forward to wearing. The unfortunate thing about that is that I don't always have clothes in my size that match the season I'm in and I end up not wearing a lot of my inspiration clothes when I can finally get into them because well ... it's gotten too hot or too cold!

The other night at a class at THW, Letha suggested we think ahead and buy clothes for the next season. Visualize what we'll be wearing and buy accordingly. Hmmm... novel concept. Perhaps my thinking is too nearsighted.

Which means, of course, that I need to be buying size 8 winter clothes right now.

Oh bummer.

I see an inspiration clothes shopping trip in my future.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Official Boyfriend

It's official. I'm dating someone. Scary, but true. Like we've had "the talk" and stuff so I feel that I can now officially put it out there that I have a boyfriend.

I really should add this to the "couldn't wouldn't" list because frankly speaking, I only had a handful of poor relationships over the past couple years. Most of them were filled with anxieties and second guesses because I was so insecure. They would compliment me and I'd defeat that compliment with a million little buts.

You know what I mean, right?

The poor guy would say he thought I was pretty and I'd shoot back with "yeah, pretty fat". Um, really? Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did.

I was insecure, unhappy, and unhealthy. I didn't want to hear nice things about me and took every opportunity to instead bash myself. In my mind, I was just verbalizing what they were thinking. What they verbalized to me was certainly all a lie or manipulation because I was unworthy of good things.

I also questioned why they would want to be with me in the first place. I kept thinking that if he only knew me, he wouldn't want me.

So thinking such things, I'd sabotage the relationship before they even knew what hit them. After all, if I ended things and made him go away, I would be right and sometimes, when you're insecure, it's all about being right even when you're wrong.

Whew! Can you say ISSUES!

Needless to say, none of those relationships lasted very long.

This time I'm doing things a bit differently. TS (as I'll refer to him for anonymity sake) is different and I'm different when I'm with him.

All the work I've done over the last year has helped to increase my confidence. I feel deserving of the compliments he offers not because I believe them about myself (hopefully that will come in time) but because I know he believes them. He tells me I'm beautiful and I actually say "thank you". I take it in and enjoy the fact that he finds me beautiful and attractive.

There are about a million little things I could write to outline how the new me is different in this relationship. Things like when he puts his arm around my waist, I don't instantly start thinking of my rolls, how I know I deserve the roses he brings for me, how I smile and accept the compliments he offers, etc. but if I go into all those things I'll get all mushy and stuff and that's a little much to handle this early in the morning.

So, instead, I'll just say that for once I'm looking forward to embracing my new relationship with optimism and excitement. Who knows where this will take me but I'm so ready!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Break Rooms

What is it about office break rooms that makes them accumulate food? I mean, seriously. I think the break room at my office is actually a bakery in disguise because cakes, cookies, and other such sugary, starchy goodnesses seem to appear overnight and offer up their temptations as if by magic.

Today's temptation is a bag full of fortune cookies (like a HUGE freezer bag full) and a cheesecake. Yes, there's a cherry cheesecake sitting on the table in there. Just calling to me. It's laughing while I fill up my water bottle. It's heckling me as I walk past to the rest room. And it's screaming at me through the halls even reaching into my office as I write this.

Oye vay! What's a good dieter to do?

It's become somewhat of a game each day to see what kind of goodies mysteriously appear on the tables in the break room. I'm sure the people bringing them in are doing so because they don't want the temptations in their own homes. I find it somewhat ironic then that they'd instead inflict the torture on the rest of their office mates.

How rude!

I'm attempting the "ignore" and "don't look" methods so that I can get through the day successfully. It's kinda sorta working because I haven't given in although, to be honest, each time I go into the break room to fill up my water bottle there's like a magnetic pull that forces my head to snap around and take one longing look at the gooey goodness before stumbling from the break room and back to my desk.

Perhaps I need to invent diet blinders ... something I can wear that would keep my eyes focused forward and not distracted by goodness on the periphery.

Regardless, I'm staying strong today. I will not give into the rich cheesy classic gooey sugary cheesecake.

No good would come from that.

Instead I'm practicing self-control and celebrating the fact that I have that in my back pocket on days like today.