Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Where's My Head At?

These last couple weeks have been hard. My brain has left a "Dr is out" sign on my forehead, packed it's bags, and is now enjoying the sun on some beach somewhere while I try to battle through whatever issues seem to be surfacing in my life at the moment.

And ... well ... there are some issues! I just can't seem to put my finger on what they might be. I feel disconnected, uninvolved, irresponsible, and agitated. I get annoyed easily and can't seem to focus. I see situations coming my way where I might need to be responsible and I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction right into the waiting arms of irresponsibility.

How come?

Hmmm... Inquiring minds want to know!

I've actually been fairly good in my diet plan since my misstep on the 4th. I'm back down within a pound of my lowest so that's good news. If anything, I'm having the opposite problem where I can't seem to get all my food in for the day. My stomach starts rumbling, I make food, and then can't seem to eat it.

Ok, people, this is a SURE sign I've got some NEW issues! Me? Not be able to eat my food? Really? Huh.

Today my plan is to go focus on my new emotional tools. I'm journaling, documenting, and pouring over the feeling wheel.

I'm hoping that somewhere in this process my brain will return, turn the lights on, and I'll come back around to a healthier emotional state.

I must stay focused and grounded so that I don't end up where I was last year at this time ~ 307 pounds, miserable, unhealthy, irresponsible, unhappy, sad, depressed, etc.

I feel as if these last couple weeks I've been standing at a T in my weight loss journey just trying to make up my mind on the direction I'm going to go.

The path on the left is paved, gently sloping downhill, and would be so easy to follow. It would take me back to the old me. It's a well known path and one that feels comfortable even though I know that at the end of the journey I'd be unhappy and unhealthy. There's pizza on this path though so it's tempting to me ... lots of pizza and a bunch of squishing down of these darn feelings. Aww ... that sounds comfortable and known. And even though I know intuitively that the path starts off nice and gets rough and brambly and drops off into a deep abyss at the end, that somehow doesn't seem to be pushing me to the other path.

The other path is a steep climb. Forever going up it seems. If I chose this path I would sweat over rough terrain, rocky ground, and an unknown course for an unknown amount of time. I'd struggle for every step. Other passersby have said it gets easier the longer I traverse it (riiiiiiiiiight) but from this viewpoint it doesn't seem possible. I’ve heard that waiting at the top is a great reward and a new, better me. My future is waiting at the end of this path on the right but it's scary, unknown, and a really far way away. My legs and feet are tired. I've already come so far. I'd like to be done. I'd like to be at the end now. Standing here at the T after I've already travelled this far makes me question whether or not I'll ever be at the top and why this hasn’t gotten any easier yet? If that’s not ever going to happen anyway, why shouldn't I chose the easier of the two paths?

Woah. That's some stinkin' thinkin' rearing it's ugly head!

And on that happy note, I'm off to do some deep work on my inner self and put in a call to my vacationing brain. It’s time to buckle down and get some serious emotional work done.

I don't want to be standing at this T too much longer.

It's a painful place to be.


  1. It is a long, uphill climb, so we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves in need of a breather or a little support of one kind or another.

    You're doing great. Sometimes when I'm feeling like this, it helps to go back and see how far I'm come instead of concentrating on how far I have left to travel.

  2. I swear you are my long-lost sister! So many things you write resonate with me.

    Something someone said to me yesterday, while I was talking about some issues I was dealing with (and I may blog this tomorrow or later) was this:

    "Do not be scared, just continue coming out of that comfort cocoon you are emerging from and be the beautiful vibrant butterfly that you are"

    I thought it might just apply to you too!

  3. I hope you are able to work through this with a new great outlook!


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