There was no break through moment where the clouds parted, angels started singing, and I suddenly realized I needed to lose weight.
I mean, yeah, I hadn't been happy with myself for a really long time, but that hadn't set me in any kind of direction to make a change. Truthfully, it just made me wallow even further in my own self pity. Poor fat me. On the outside, I hid my self-loathing so most of my friends probably had no clue how deep my self-pity really ran. But it was there. Hidden by a mound of food but still clearly visible to me and so I would attempt to down it even further by ordering pizza. Aw, such a vicious cycle.
I didn't walk into The Healthy Weigh thinking I was going to lose weight. I walked in thinking they were going to pay me to develop a website for them. I was there based on a recommendation from a good friend for web services and I wasn't going to even attempt to lose weight because ... well ... why? I would fail, I thought, so why try again. I was there to do a job and then get the hell outta dodge before anyone convinced me I needed to do anything to improve myself.
Besides, I wasn't THAT fat. I didn't weigh myself so I had no clue I was over 300 pounds but still ... I'd seen people fatter than me all the time so I couldn't be THAT bad, right? Ha! In hindsight it's laughable that was my gauge.
Regardless, I was not going to change and no one was going to make me do it. So there and humph.
That was so not how it was fated to happen though.
Let me back up though. A couple months prior to this meeting, I had been walking across a parking lot to get to Godfather's pizza. As I crossed in front of waiting traffic, someone yelled out "Move outta the way fatso!". I instantly felt tears in my eyes and my first reaction was to run as fast as my chubby legs could carry me so that I could get out of sight. I kept my calm though, fought back the tears, and made my way to get the pizza that would be my afternoon comfort without even a second glance to the guy that had just insulted me.
Those words stayed with me though. Isn't it interesting that someone I didn't even know could impact my day to day life? He did though. I thought that if someone had the nerve to yell that to me then surely others were thinking it. They just might not be vocalizing it. If one or two thought it, then everyone must be thinking it. Those words stayed with me and knocked on my head repeatedly at random times.
Anyway, I say all that because as I was leaving The Healthy Weigh, even though I had originally thought I wouldn't try another weight loss program, those biting words were playing in my brain. I got into my truck, drove to Muchas Gracious (best most fattiest bean burritos in town) and ordered my lunch all the while the word "fatso" was running across my mind.
I knew that if I started a weight loss program, I would need to commit to it. That meant a total life change. I knew that in advance and therefore I didn't want to take the commitment lightly. I had to think this through.
Wait a minute, was I actually thinking about this? Was I crazy? Could I actually do this?
From the parking lot of Muchas Gracious, I called Letha and asked her if I could start the program. I was hesitant, restrained, and had no expectations of success. I was committed, but I still was not allowing myself to think positive thoughts.
After making the commitment though, I jumped in wholeheartedly. I took Letha's workshop series, journaled all my food, ate ONLY things that were on plan, and applied every single thing I learned to my life. If I was going to do this, I was going to embrace it.
Those first couple months, I felt myself coming alive again. Not only was the weight coming off, which was cool, but I was actually finding my smile more often. I started feeling things (uh-oh!) both good and hard feelings but the team helped me find new ways to cope instead of turning to food.
My life changed a lot too. I got laid off from a very high stress job, found a new low stress job, and said goodbye to my grandpa ... all in a very short period of time. In the past, I would have let food be my counselor through those changes and I most likely would have gained even more weight. This time, I had skills and amazing friends that pulled me through. I even continued to lose weight in the process.
Anyway, I'm relating this story not to rah rah for The Healthy Weigh (although truthfully if I could wear a cheerleader outfit well I'd be standing outside their offices with my pom poms every single day ... I'm sure they're thankful that so far I do not look great in a cheer uniform!). I'm relating it because I find myself being very reflective and thankful for my friends at The Healthy Weigh these days.
Life sure looks a whole lot better than it did last year at this time. I'm about to ride my horse for 10 days at the local fair. That starting pic on the right is from last year at this same exact time. I'll be wearing my tablecloth uniform this year (quite stylish, don't you think?), sitting on the same horse but this year I'll be comfortable, happy, healthy, loving life, and embracing the moment.
I can't imagine where I'd be right now, having faced the things I faced in the last year, and not having the support and tools that The Healthy Weigh has afforded me.
I'm so thankful though, that I don't need to worry about that and can instead be thankful for reaching my lowest point and having the helping hands of The Healthy Weigh team right there just waiting to pull me up.
Truly, what a difference a year, new friends and partnerships can make!