Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Thinking Chubby

When do we stop being fat girls? When can I leave the word "chubby" at the door? When do I get to stop thinking of myself as the fattest girl in the room? And when, just when, do I get to be ok with me?

I was talking with a friend the other day and she said something about being chubby and instantly my hackles went up. She's thinner than me so if she thinks she's chubby, what does she think I am? And thus, if she thinks it, does it make it so? Of course, my friend in no way made this statement toward me ... my narcissistic side though internalized her comments and made it all about me! Darn silly brains!

I've been working really hard not to think of myself in such negative terms. Not that I'm turning a blind eye to the weight I have yet to lose, but I'm also trying not to get caught up in the endless cycle of "I'm a fatty" that takes over the brain and sabotages the good dieter. Although, to be honest, I've been tentatively doing this and only half-heatedly committing it to memory. I've been speaking it, but not necessarily believing it.

My friends comments really made me stop and think.

I know I'll never be the skinniest girl in the room. I won't ever - no matter how much weight I lose - be a size 2. But can I, at the very least, not be "the chubby gal" anymore? Is there a time when I will ever be considered something other than chubby and overweight? When will that happen? At what size and time?

Perhaps, just maybe, I need to put a stake in the ground and say that the time is NOW!

Over the course of my weight loss, I've realized that weight and sizes are relative. What I mean is that there is no magic number. It's very much all in our heads as to how we feel about ourselves. Being a size 2 won't make me perfect and happy. Being below 130 pounds doesn't necessarily make me skinny. I think part of me keeps waiting for this miracle weight acceptance thing to happen, skies to part, angels to sing, and crowds rush in to accept me so that I somehow, someway can accept myself.

When I started at over 300 pounds, I thought that surely had to happen after 100 pounds of weight loss. I mean, being a size 12 would be amazing! I'd be able to shop in any store, wear lots of cool styles of clothes, and look like every other normal person out there. So I equated being a size 12 to being perfect, healthy, and happy.

The reality is that hitting 100 pounds and a size 12 didn't cause any miracles to happen. I still was and am me. I see and focus on the lumps, bumps, and areas on my body I need to improve upon instead of recognizing that I'm getting closer than ever to a healthy weight.

So it's got to be all in my own darn head. Silly brain!

Time to change the tape and start thinking more positive things about myself. And thus, I'm officially eliminating the words "Chunky" and "Chubby" from my vocabulary.

I will no longer laughingly refer to myself as the fat girl, the overweight one, the one with a few extra pounds, or chunky slash chubby.

I will no longer take someone else's insecurities as my own and let those negative thoughts impede my progress.

I will no longer accept anything less than what I'm truly worth.

I'm becoming who I've always wanted to be and at this moment, I'm creating my own reality. This is a pretty darn good place to be.

I'm taking these words and pledging this as truth. I'm actually believing these words and am consciously making an effort to change my thinking!

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for this! I think all us "chubby girls" needed to hear this! :)

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  2. I think it's called body dysmorphia and if thinking you are much bigger than you actually are, I have it too. Often I will hesitantly ask Cro how much bigger than x-person I am (never in their when they are in earshot!) and I will be shocked to hear him say "you are much smaller than that person". Incredulously I say "I am?" ... because I just don't see myself as anything but large. Self-perception can get so messed-up. I'm know when I was at my largest I didn't see myself that way. I knew I was fat, but when I looked in the mirror I wasn't seeing HOW fat. Now when I look in the mirror I don't trust my own judgement.

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  3. I sure typo lots when I edit and leave old parts of the sentence still in place. :P Hope you can make sense of that.

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  4. I don't really care about being skinny or perfect, I just want to be normal. To not look grotesque. Not sure what size that will be, I will find out when I get there!

    LOL at Oct and Body Dysmorphia - I had that for years, thinking I was a lot slimmer than I actually was!

    Your posts are so good - very inspirational.

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