Friday, May 22, 2009

Hangin' On

Ok, I feel like I'm hangin' onto my diet by a thread.

With all the stress and life that seems to be happening around me, the last thing I want to think about is my diet and being healthy.

I'm almost using all this family stuff as an excuse to be off plan and not be as good as I should be which I know is the exact reason why I was over 300 pounds at one time.

It's amazing that once I start down the "off plan" path, it's pretty darn easy to continue down it. The first time I go off plan is horrible. I'm guilt ridden and beat myself up pretty badly about it. But the next time, it's a little easier. And by the forth or fifth time I've justified my actions so much that the guilt is pretty much gone. I say pretty much because in all honesty it does return when I step back on the scale and see the results.

The results of this particular cascade are that I'm up another pound.

This has to stop. So I'm taking Letha's challenge for the team challenge and am writing my pain list associated with going off plan and overeating.

If I overeat and go off plan:
  • I feel fat.
  • I have uber amounts of guilt and shame because I can't seem to stick with it.
  • I feel unhealthy.
  • I start to feel worthless and unhappy.
  • I feel hopeless.
  • I feel like a failure and want to give up.
  • I'm embarrassed when I step on the scale in front of others and am up.
  • I feel like I'm letting my teammate down for the Team Challenge.
  • If I overeat, I get fat and then will be right back where I started.
  • I'll gain weight and not be able to get back on my horse.
  • I'll gain weight and not be able to hike.
  • I'll gain weight and dislike myself again.
  • I'll gain weight and lose energy.
  • I'll gain weight and lose confidence.
  • I'll gain weight. Period.
  • When I gain weight, I'll have health problems.
  • I could develop diabetes which runs in my family.
  • Diabetes means limitations and if not managed, early death.

Icky. I'm actually pretty sad right now as I get in touch with all those feelings I had when I was 300 pounds. Besides hating myself internally, there were so many things I wouldn't do externally. I wouldn't walk into a room alone, I didn't want to try new things, etc. Life was so negative at 300 pounds. I might have smiled occassionally on the outside ... but it was fleeting and certainly didn't reach down to my heart. That's changed these days and I so do not want to be that person again.

So on the upside, eating healthy and staying on plan:

  • I feel successful.
  • I feel empowered.
  • I don't mind stepping on the scale because my weight will be down.
  • I feel inspired to be a better person.
  • I will continue to lose weight and reach my goal.
  • I will eventually make it to stabilization and then maintenance (where more starch exists!).
  • I feel that if I lose the weight, I can accomplish anything.
  • I gain confidence.
  • I feel worthy.
  • I can be more active.
  • I can jog.
  • I can hike in the mountains - my fav place.
  • I dream up activities I could try that I couldn't before.
  • I lead a healthier life in all aspects (emotional, physical, spiritual).
  • I face things head on and win because I've succeeded in a major area of my life.
  • I feel that the possibilities are endless.

Suddenly, that snickers bar doesn't sound so appealing.

Perhaps I'm not just hangin' on to this plan after all. I'm succeeding. I'm rallying. And I will do this.

1 comment:

  1. So...I was getting emotional too, reading your list of the pain that over eating and going off program will bring to your life, I had a lump in my throat...but the tears really came when I read the list of the ways your life has and will improve by eating healthy and staying on program. That's abundant living!!! That's worth shedding a tear over!
    I believe in you Wendy, I'm so excited for the changes you've made and the future you have.

    I'll be thinking about you this weekend. I know that this powerful practice of linking pain to your old behavior WILL make a difference for you this weekend!

    Love, Letha

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